Acceptance.

Acceptance, why is it so hard? How come I allowed myself to be abused so badlly? I was reading through our text messages today. It was like a storybook of the path you go down with a PD person. The horrible things he said and did to me, the lies, the cheating, the drugs, the false charges going to court a million times. For what? To finally accept that he never cared it was all a game to him? What about the pain, the hurt, and the anguish he caused me. I had out that out of my mind, I barely remembered it. But suddenly in a flash it comes flooding in and my emotions burst, the hurt, anger, disillusionment, shame the lost dignity.... Then it's gone. And I'm back to grasping at straws thinking of ways it could have worked. Or how he would get so jealous, surely if he didn't care he wouldn't get jealous right? And the fantasy goes on. But the reality is it's congnitive dissonance. Reality is this man is gone from my life. I have a restraining order too. He's long gone. And he was long gone before I knew what hit me. I have so many emotions going on. I hate him and I want him to hurt, I want to get even with him. But it's like fighting a brick wall. He's a hollow soulless being. He doesn't care. He feeds on others emotional content. Sick fuck that he is! He ruined my life, my business, totaled my car, fractured my tailbone, three bruised ribs, glass in my face, neck scalp arms, back and chest, a severe traumatic brain injury and an empty bank account.... And I think of this person constantly why? I think of the beginning and delude myself into thinking he's missing me and he knows he screwed up? Acceptance that's the place where it all starts. But feeling the pain of total acceptance is unbearable. This relationship caused me so my pain deep gutted like a fish pain, I wanted to take my own life to make it go away. Why, why do I obsess about him. Daydream about him? When the reality is he did these things to me. Horrible, awful, unthinkable things, what is wrong with me?