Losing Steam

I have marked my 3rd week of no contact after he showed up at my work on my lunch break two days in a row saying how he wants to get back together and he would do anything and but did nothing. He was angry that I wouldn't tell him where I lived and I wouldn't unblock his number. I have ignored his hoovers since then and they have seemed to come to an end at least for now. Some days I am ok, thoughts of him and I are fleeting and without strong emotion one way or the other. I have also had my days where I just come home and lay on the floor next to my dog and cry until I fall asleep. I'm still in counseling and I still come to this site quite often to read new posts and revisit old ones. Have I come along way? I don't know but I am surviving, WITHOUT him. I have not checked the internet for any information on him and deleted all my accounts. I guess today I decided to post because I am feeling an overwhelming urge to check on him. Even though I know whatever I see will break all over again. I am beginning to accept that everything that was was real but only for me. For him it was a game and that he never really loved me but "chose" "settled" "dealt" "kept" me around because I was good supply. However, today I am sad for the loss of what was real to me. How could another person play such a vicious and draining game? While I struggle to move on from him, I am but a flash of his past in which he was still working out the kinks in his game. A good friend of mine you is in her late 40’s told me that your thirties is a great time of, a time of discovery, peace and to sit back and let life take you. I am afraid I am going to miss this, I am afraid I’ll never be a wife and a mother and I will never forget this terrible man. I miss things about him even though I know better. I don’t want to reach out because I know I will only get hurt again and that nothing will come of it. Did this man ruin my life? How do I stay strong and stay NC when I am feeling so lonely. Desperation and hope intertwine constantly. I guess I am just looking for someone, anyone to encourage me to continue to leave him alone. Today I am asking for help.