Just Checking In

Hi All

its been a while since I posted anything, although I check in daily to see how everyone is travelling.

Haven't had the urge to write, although I have been thinking, absorbing, healing, and learning over the last couple of weeks.

Im still on this journey and will continue to be so as a commitment to myself. It would be so easy for me to now try and get out amongst the dating scene to try and ignore and run away from the stuff that comes up. But Im in a headspace now where I really want to honour this journey. Im still vulnerable in so many ways, but I also feel strengths coming back in other ways.

Im discovering the real beauty of just staying with whatever comes my way - whether its painful, beautiful, ridiculous, random. Learning I guess just to stay in the moment of whats happening.

Im also becoming way more aware of whats happening for me internally - listening and paying attention to my gut feeling. Whether thats to do with work relationships, decision making, family, simple exchanges in my daily life. Just trying to view things from a different lens after what Ive learnt through this site, getting grounded, and feeling so much peace and contentment.

Its such a lovely feeling - that whatever comes up I now have the trust in myself that I can cope with it. (Something I really couldn't do thanks to cognitive dissonance only 3 months ago).

I look back at where Ive been and the changes have been monumental - mainly internal and wholly life affirming.

Its not related to the xn anymore - although this was obviously a catalyst for me to look at this stuff.

Stop stressing, rushing, worrying, busyness for the sake of 'doing' 'achieving' and 'producing' rather than just 'being' and listening to the internal voice. The stillness is so wonderful.

I still have thoughts of xn - it really has been a process of putting all the broken pieces together and random memories and connections still take place. But they don't pain me anymore, and rather help me reinforce the learning I have gained from this site and develop further self trust.

I know for many of the forum members spring has sprung. But where I live fall is showing its lovely face and its always been a favourite time of the year for me. The change of seasons, beautiful trees losing their leaves, wood smoke in the air, snuggly jumpers and woolly socks - its a time of withdrawal from the external, reflection, focus and internal space.

This time of year also marks the year anniversary since I first met the toad who brought me here. I will be working through the issues of that anniversary and celebrating each and every day - good and bad as part of my growth towards wholeness and moving away and releasing myself from that part of my life.

Its funny, looking at my family issues that brought me to this place. I have a sibling who is most definitely a narc, and although I don't have a great deal to do with him, whenever I do, it just reminds me of not only how natural it was in my past to deal with these energy suckers - but how much I am moving away from those influences in my life. It also reinforces to me that his partner, who suffers immeasurably, puts on an amazing act to the world to keep the plates spinning and their wonderful 'external act to the world' operating, is something that I never want to be. I really have had to grieve for her too through this, because she is a smart, capable, loving human being, but she is so caught up in the delusion that she doesn't want to leave.

I don't ever want to be in a relationship like that. So if I ever have doubts or stupid longing for my past narc, I realise its completely inauthentic.

Its helped me to see from an outsiders perspective how damaging, insidious and widespread these relationships are. You can have a nice house, car, respectable jobs, all the pretty trinkets in the world - but if you live in a two dimensional world, where fear is your general operating system, it doesn't seem much of a life to me.

I have a long way to go. I didn't realise the myriad ways I am a people pleaser. I am nostalgic and creative, sensitive and generous emotionally with those I love. I am moved by nature, music, art and literature. Those attributes have been used against me and I need to continue to learn about boundaries, what Im responsible for (not other people's feelings), how driven I am by guilt in the most ridiculous fashion, and basically how I need to learn how to stick up for myself.

But right now, I feel such a wonderful sense of peace where once there was a horrible pall of worry hanging over me. Fear has been replaced with hope and joy in increasing measure. I am releasing myself from the emotional prison Ive been in - and becoming bold in exploring the world, my inner thoughts, how I see things. What I want.

I am starting to get to know myself and rejoice in my individuality, human-ness and the fact I have feelings. Ive taken off the red dancing shoes of addiction and become much more aware of the things that trigger that voice of 'Im not good enough'.

I am way good enough!

When I get into my comfy warm bed at night, Im so grateful for my health, my beautiful friends, my garden, a cocker spaniel snoring at the end of the bed, and the sound of rain falling on the tin roof.

There is so much to be grateful for in my life - and there really is hope for the future.

Its not reliant on finding another partner, how much money I earn, what size clothes I wear, how big my house is or fancy my car is. Its about loving myself, warts and all, and appreciating the individuality of others, and the connections we all seek to make to add meaning and depth to our lives.

I feel truly blessed to have found this site and grateful for the support and camraderie.

Blessings and love to all of you, wherever you are in this journey.