My story-Sofrustrated :(

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#1 Apr 10 - 10AM
Sofrustrated
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My story-Sofrustrated :(

Well, here it goes! I’m still struggling with the “No Contact” phase so I’m hoping that I can get some support from everyone here on how to do this and wanted to start by posting my story. I could probably write a novel about my experience (everyone here could I’m sure LOL), but I will try to keep it as brief as possible. I’m in the middle of one of his most intense hoovers since he’s found out I’m dating someone else, so I feel I need to get my story out once and for all in front of people who understand and have lived it. I literally get chills reading everyone’s stories as they are so eerily familiar that I thought I would share mine in the event it makes someone feel less alone in this. Thanks for listening and sorry it is so long!

We met nearly 4 years ago when I was 29 years old and he was 38 years old. We met through Eharmony and I was so flattered that he would drive 60 miles to come see me (more to come on why he drove to see me). From the second I saw him, it was love at first sight. He is incredibly good looking. He just has this amazing exotic look. I still find him the sexiest person I have ever met and I absolutely hate that. It is almost as if I fall in love with him again every time that I see him. He was a very nice dresser (dresses to the 9s all of the time, even to do errands, etc.) and drove a BMV. We had a great first date. He seemed a bit arrogant and shallow, but of course I ignored this. He was funny and charismatic, we just clicked. The sexual chemistry was amazing. We were driving back to my car and he pulled over and kissed me passionately. I saw fireworks. I was head over heels. I literally thought “I am so glad I waited so long. This is the man I am going to be with. “ It seemed to all make sense to me. I couldn’t understand how a man who was such a great catch could still be single. He had a great career. He had a penthouse apartment in the city we now live (more to come on this). He was so into me. I felt so incredibly lucky to have met him. I was at a stage in my life where I really wanted to settle down and be with the love of my life. I had a good job, my MBA and owned a home, but my romantic relationships had always failed. I wanted to be a married and have a child more than anything, to take care of someone.

In the early stages of our relationship, he wined and dined me at all the very best restaurants. We stayed at many nice hotels. We would go out on the weekends and he would literally spend $500 a night on dinner and drinks. I did have such a fun time during this phase. I ignored that most of the time he was talking about himself and his “achievements.” He had a “global” career and he had been a Division 1 athlete , who was recruited and went to college on a scholarship, women had always fawned over him and many women had asked him to father their children, etc, etc, etc. He even had an elaborate story about how he ran into Britney Spears in Vegas and she kissed him. This was probably the only one of his lies I did not believe right off of the bat. I should have seen the issues here. I should have realized how wrapped up in himself he was, but I happily put my blinders on and proceeded. I remember having some dates and thinking “Wait, I didn’t even say anything all night.” None of this raised any red flags to me though! He also likened himself to George Clooney but he was changed for me. Of course all his ex-girlfriends had been complete bitches that weren’t as sexy as me, as understanding as me, as laidback as me, etc. He told me from pretty early on that I was “the one.“ He also seemed obsessed with women having a head over heals love with him. There were many songs in his iPod where a woman singer would literally be serenading a man, etc. He always said this was the kind of love that he expected. This all seemed a bit bizarre to me, but I really loved him and think I was in denial about some of the red flags to be honest.

His horrible behavior showed itself a few times the first year, but for the most part that first year we got along pretty well. I did nearly break up with him one time as I was in a pretty bad car accident when we had been together 4 months. Instead of dropping everything and coming to me, he stayed out with his friends. He brought me flowers and apologized profusely the next day, so of course I forgave him (this apology will also turn out to be the last he would give in close to 3 years).

We had been together about a year when he decided to move in with me in the house I owned. Although he was so amazing and successful, he was living with his brother. There was an elaborate story about why this was the case, but of course I believed it. It actually turns out he had been living with his brother from the day we met and the penthouse apartment did not even exist. I was never taken to this apartment, but I just figured he was a commitment-phobe and that was the reason. The real reason was because it didn’t exist. There are many more lies to come.

He lost his job literally days after moving in with me. He had been fired but of course it was because his “manager was a bitch and the product sucked so he couldn’t sell it.” I wasn’t too worried at that point as I thought he would quickly get another job. Someone who was as talented as him (his talent was all professed by him of course) would of course easily find another job. Our real first fight should have been a HUGE red flag. He had tick on him and blamed it on me because my dog must have brought the tick into the bedroom. He had been doing yard work, but of course the wouldn’t have gotten the tick on him that way, it was MY FAULT. He screamed at me for not getting flea and tick medicine for my dog. At this point I was working 65 hours a week and was stressed out of my mind and he was screaming at me for forgetting to buy flea and tick medicine (something someone who had been unemployed for months could have easily done, especially as I was supporting him during this time financially). He stormed off during the fight and I literally was astounded at what had just happened. This was the first of many times I would blame myself and feel like a complete asshole. I remember being so confused during this fight. I wasn’t anything I had ever experienced previously in relationships (gas lighting galore). It was the first of many times I would feel physically ill after fighting with him. He did come home hours later and we were ok.

The fights seemed to get a bit more frequent. He was having trouble finding a job and meanwhile I had an interview for a promotion. On the way to the interview, he was screaming at me about some minor thing. I was sobbing and so confused. I have an MBA but I seriously could not follow any fight with him (and still can‘t to this day). I went into the interview a total mess as he had yelled and insulted me for an hour on the way to the interview. This fight should have been another red flag, who does this while someone is on the way to an interview, but I stupidly proceeded to move forward and get even more involved with him.

Well, I got the job and we moved near the city (where he had lived for years before moving in with me in the suburbs). More fights started around this point. It would start over some pretty minor issue, but then he would twist it into being my fault. When I didn’t agree with him, he would say that I made him feel irrelevant and storm off and then give me the silent treatment for days. I think most people resolve their problems, apologize their contribution to an issue, make up, etc. but this has never occurred with him. Everything was always somehow MY FAULT. Every fight centered around him not feeling relevant. Every single fight. I remember one fight in particular centered around him not getting oral sex for an hour. I’m not even kidding. I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was seriously wrong with all of this. I had had my share of relationships, but never felt that way before.

Although there were issues in our relationship, I thought we still loved each other and would always be together and we decided that we would see what happened if I stopped taking the pill. He seemed so excited about the thought of us getting pregnant and having a baby. I was pregnant within a few months. Of course, he was still unemployed at this time. I’m not sure what I was thinking to be honest. I had always wanted to have a baby and be a mother and I ignored that this wasn’t the best time and as there were substantial relationship issues. I also have a good job and I knew I could financially support a child myself worst case scenario.

He actually got a very stressful, high-level, well paying job while I was pregnant. The first thing he did was go out and by a 65k luxury car! I was floored by this because he had been unemployed for months and had massive debt. Things seemed to be better though and he was very attentive. Sometimes we would have fights though and I didn‘t realize how controlling he was being. For example, we had few fights where he was upset as I wasn‘t drinking enough water when I was pregnant, wasn’t eating healthy enough, etc. I mean HUGE fights, not tiffs. He would always give me the silent treatment for days when we fought. The real thing that stood out to me though was that he wanted NOTHING to do with me sexually the very day I got pregnant. Would not even kiss me and we once had a wild and crazy sex life. It seems many narcissists have Madonna/whore issues so I am sure this is where it stemmed from. I do have to admit that he was pretty attentive when I was pregnant in other ways though.

I felt like a switch almost went off in him the day I had our son. It was like I had served a purpose and he didn’t need or want me anymore and I was just an inconvenience. For example, I caught a cold at the hospital and had just given birth and was pretty sick and was coughing all night. He was angry at me for coughing, complained that it was my fault I was sick as I hadn’t had tea before bed, etc. He was not attentive or caring at all but seemed resentful that I was disturbing his sleep. I stayed up all night myself with a severe cold taking care of a newborn (and being yelled at him) after just having given birth. He slept because he was tired from his new job and did not lift a single finger.

The fights then escalated to weekly. I have very little recollection of us getting along for more than a few days during the first year of our son’s life. The cycles of the fights were the same. He would nitpick some minor thing (for example, why are you giving our son that kind of babyfood, why is it taking you so long to get ready, etc), I would try to explain myself, he would accuse me of making him feel “irrelevant,” storm out and give me the silent treatment for days at a time. Conveniently, he always took off and left me alone to care for our son by myself. He also had completely ended all intimacy with me. He made no sexual advances for months on end. I tried to talk to him about it, but it just started fights and of course it was all MY FAULT. I put too much pressure on him, I made sex a chore, etc. He thought it was perfectly acceptable to be in a relationship with me and not give me physical affection beyond a just a quick peck or snuggle in bed, nothing remotely sexual ever. This was probably the most devastating of all of it. It negatively effected my self esteem. Due to feeling bad about myself, the constant fighting, constant criticism, etc. I was stressed out and unable to eat a lot of the time. I lost all pregnancy weight plus 15 lbs within a few months (170 lbs to 110 lbs). People started commenting that I look to thin. Additionally, he was rejecting me sexually constantly and I walked in on him watching porn two times. My heart literally broke both of this days and I have tears streaming down my face just writing it. He once raved about what an amazing sex life we had, yet he choose to watch porn over showing me the slightest bit of intimacy.

I also was doing 100% of the childcare and got no help from him, rather constant criticism. I was working full time in a stressful job, commuting 3 hrs a day, taking care of a baby all evening, up all night with our infant son, going to work on 2 hrs of sleep, doing all housework alone, etc. yet he was never like “Thanks, good job babe” but rather had the audacity to nitpick how clean the apt was (he is OCD about cleaning), why didn’t I do this or that, etc. It is emotionally draining having your every single action criticized (as everyone here knows well I’m sure).

The fighting continued to escalate. The cycles of the fights repeated over and over. Disagreement over minor issue, he stated his opinion wasn’t relevant, he stormed off and gave me the silent treatment, I told him I did not like his behavior and would not tolerate it, he said I was “showing him the door” and he would storm off and give me the silent treatment. Things always became so twisted, I was apologizing for things I would have never apologized for in the past. No matter the issue, it was always MY FAULT. Everything became so convoluted and I was told “You are crazy“ numerous times during every fight. I would eventually start to question my own capabilities. I literally felt like I had some sort of problem with my memory and comprehension. A fight would start and I could not remember even why because it would become about what I had done to him. Every fight I would feel so sick to my stomach. I would be crying on the floor. I was confused, bewildered, etc. but of course this man was so intelligent and so charismatic that I believed it was honestly a problem with me. It was totally out of character for me. I was even evaluated by a psychiatrist as I felt that I had significant memory, attention and comprehension problems (and he reminded me of these issues daily).

He also puts on the biggest show in public that we are the perfect family. It is almost sickening. We had a big one year birthday party for our son and he made a slideshow of photos of our relationship and our son. He was looking around the room to see everyone’s reaction to his “show” the whole time instead of it being a sweet moment we could share together. I should add he seems to have a wide network of women that he has strung along for years that he maintains as “friends.” I do think that these are people he would never date but keeps along as his narcissistic supply.

Due to the complete end of all sex and other odd things, I started questioning if he was cheating. He didn’t come home every night until 2-3 am as he was working long hours in a stressful new position. Yes, he was working at a new job that was A LOT of work, but something didn’t feel right. Sometimes I would call and he didn’t answer, but he would call me back 20 minutes later stating he was “in the bathroom.“ A few sketchy things happened where he said the wrong thing. For example, he said he was alone on business once but slipped and said “we’re heading over to the train station.” Of course he said he misspoke and I was crazy and making issues out of nothing. He started mentioning a female coworker a lot. Another weird scenario happened where he “misspoke.” One night he was out with coworkers until 3 am and did not respond to my texts. He continued talking about this female coworker constantly. I had met her several times and did not find her to be a threat, but I didn’t feel comfortable with all of this. I have never so much as thought an ex was cheating, but here I was dissecting his every action, every word. I had no solid evidence, but things seemed so wrong to me. My life became overcome with dissecting his actions and activities. Figuring out what he was doing and also why he was no longer interested in being intimate with me.

I decided to put a private investigator on him one night while he was out with a friend. He spent the entire night talking to a woman at the bar, someone he knew and it was prearranged. I knew I was going to leave him that night. He went to a hotel at the end of the night with the woman and came home at about 3 am.

I kicked him out the next morning. He said “This is your fault for putting a PI on me and not trusting me. How can I be with someone who doesn’t trust me?” He wasn’t in the wrong for cheating, I was at fault for catching him!! He did not utter one apology. I told him to pack up his stuff and get out. He then left for a vacation which we were supposed to take together. I refused to talk to him after his cheating so he shut off my cell phone. I was caring for his one year old while he was on a vacation after cheating, yet he was punishing me for not talking to him! He also continued to deny cheating his whole time!

It’s been a constant battle since then. I have stories that would horrify people. I have learned that he lied about ever attending college on a scholarship and he never went to college even. It was all a lie. To my understanding, his resume is basically smoke and mirrors as well. He has lied his way into a high-level position. He also continues to maintain he will be a CEO at a major company and I will regret not getting back together with him when he “lives in a mansion with his beautiful wife.” He has a made up degree and resume, yet thinks he will be a CEO. He’s such a great liar, there actually is a good chance he will. He has never been physical beyond pushing me once.. He has had LONG stretches of unemployment (years) and made up positions on his resume to fill these gaps.

The emotional and verbal abuse he puts on me is so covert, it is insane. I can never pinpoint what has transpired exactly, but I‘m literally throwing up I‘m so upset. I have nearly had to go to the hospital on multiple occasions as my blood pressure was at a lethal level. Phrases I hear constantly are “What’s wrong with you,” “Why can’t you understand anything people say to you,” etc. He constantly gaslights and does things to throw me off balance when I am winning an argument or calling him out on some lie, etc. He will stop a fight and say, “Why is your makeup like that, you look awful, I can’t talk to you like that, go take it off” etc. He will walk out right in the middle of a fight or when I have called him on something and then give the silent treatment for days.

When he is in a rage, his verbal and emotional abuse is not even subtle. He will try to say that he is the only one I need, all my friends and family members are fake and I mean nothing to them. He says that they are losers and I only hang out with them to make myself look better. He tells me that even though I have a good job and earn a very decent income that I am a “glorified secretary” with no talent. He tells me all of these things wrong with me, I refute and say I don’t have these issue in other areas of my life and he then says that doesn’t matter as our relationship is “different.” He can go on and on about my problems as if he is a trained psychiatrist.

In a further evidence of his gas lighting, he has said that I am crazy with the allegation of him being with other women. I caught him at a hotel with a woman, have solid evidence that he was involved with a coworker and someone we both know confirmed he cheated on me with an ex in the beginning of our relationship, yet I am “crazy” and maybe he did things, but he never cheated. Sometimes I start to believe all this, I think “Maybe I have made a mountain out of a molehill and he has been wrongfully accused, etc.” I actually then start feeling bad for him and think that maybe I’m at fault for all of this and he is the victim.

He says he is a changed man and wants to be back together, but I continue to say no. He then sends me articles about how our son will be emotionally damaged if we aren’t together. He will do anything to manipulate my behavior and get what he wants. He can turn downright verbally abusive when I hold my ground and don’t give in calling me names like bitch, cunt, piece of shit, stupid, etc. He lies and denies anything I confront him with until basically he is so stuck he can’t lie anymore. He tells people we broke up because “I wanted to meet someone better” and was likely cheating on him (PROJECTION)! He is so textbook in his behavior of NPD, it is almost amusing. It helps as I can always anticipate his next move though now that I’m educated. I’ve spoken to my psychiatrist who I started seeing due to this whole situation and he feels with certainty he is a sociopath. I also found out he was living with the coworker after our breakup, but he maintains they are just friends and she was “helping him out.” I thought he was living with her, but he called me for months until he finally confessed. He has since gotten his own place and no longer lives with her.

I have to maintain contact with him daily as we have a son. I struggle with NC because of this. I can’t explain why, he treats me like complete and utter crap, but the second we have a disagreement he will start on the silent treatment and I will go beserk. I lose my cool. I know it would be better to just ignore him, but he knows it drives me crazy so he continues to do it and of course gets the reaction he intends.

A few months ago, I did take him back. It was only 3 days before the fighting and his berating continued. Every single time I say “This IS the last time, I will NEVER do this to myself again” but somehow we start talking in some context, he acts sorry and repentant, but then if I give him an opportunity to work on things, he goes back to treating me poorly almost immediately.

I recently met someone else, someone who actually treats me and my son amazing and is not displaying any of the selfish tendencies my ex did even from the beginning. As my ex has figured this out, he is begging to get back together and says that he doesn’t want to live without me, if it weren’t for our son he would kill himself, he realizes he caused all of our issues, I was perfect for him and he screwed it up, that he is a changed man, etc. I ask him how he changed when he has not gone to one counseling visit, but he says “losing my family changed me.” He is begging me to end it with the person I’m seeing and give him another chance. He has been crying on the phone and he says he cannot eat or sleep. I feel so bad, that I start feeling so upset about what I have done to him, that I can’t eat or sleep either. I’m trying to be strong because I know that this is a ploy and classic “hoover” technique. That the second I take him back, the lies and verbal and emotional abuse will continue. After the last him back, it started up again in 3 days so I’m confident that it would begin in probably 1 day this time.

I’m so exhausted by this all. I feel like the last 4 years have aged me beyond belief. I’m so disheartened that I need to spend another 16 years interacting with this man due to our son. I don’t feel I will ever recover from his lies and cheating. I did ok initially and I was glad to have him gone, but 8 months later I’m still devastated by everything. I think back to all of our fights and I feel like I can’t breath. Fights flash into my head constantly. Sometimes I will just be sitting there and I will relive it and I’m back into the place where we started. Even though no one has treated me so poorly in my life, I miss the man I met so much and feel no one can compare to him (who could as he was a made up fictional individual).

I’m even sitting here thinking “What if this time is different? What if he has changed” and think maybe I should stop seeing the person I’ve been dating (who treats me no less than AMAZING). I really feel my ex is consciously or subconsciously trying to get me to end things with the guy that I’m seeing by all of his proclamations of being changed, how I am the one, how he is sorry, etc. That he would be happy to see me end things so I could play cat and mouse with him for the rest of my life. I need help in not succumbing to his B.S. yet again :(

Well that’s my story. I look forward to chatting with everyone here.

Apr 15 - 3PM
ididni
ididni's picture

dear Sofrustrated, the proof

Apr 13 - 3PM
Ophelia Standin...
Ophelia Standing Tall's picture

welcome

Apr 12 - 5PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Ugh, he definitely sounds

Journey on...

Apr 10 - 3PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

He is sick, and it is

Apr 10 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville, we

Apr 10 - 11AM
pumpkinpie
pumpkinpie's picture

Welcome to the Path Forward!