My story, Lizbeth

This is my first time sharing "my story" and it's crazy to think back on all that has happened. I'm thankful to have stumbled across this site in my search for peace and understanding. So here goes.

My husband and I had been drifting apart for years and after a few attempts to save our marriage, we separated in the fall of 2012. Even though this was for the best at the time, it was still emotionally very tough for me. As I confided in a lifelong friend. He stepped up and became a rock for me during this time. I was very vulnerable as I had been with my husband since high school. Two children together. I didn't know anything else. He too was going through a failed marriage ending with 2 kids and I felt safe with him because of how long I had known him. He of course was saying all of the right things too. Fast forward to winter and we started spending time together on the weekends. He was so wonderful. I went to New York on a business trip a couple months later and he picked me up from the airport. The next day I received an email from his wife asking if I was having an affair with him. Blindsided, I contacted him and he came clean that no, they weren't separated and now he was going to try and "fix" his marriage. Hurt and betrayed by this person I thought I knew, we went our separate ways. He contacted me a few weeks later in complete despair saying his wife had left him and taken his children with her and he just couldn't survive. I felt bad for him because what kind of person can fake emotion like that? So despite my hurt I tried to be a friend to him as I had been for 25 years prior. He repeatedly asked me to come spend time with him, which I declined all except for one day. I let things get out of hand again that day and in realizing this I changed my contact information and removed myself from the situation. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Once this knowledge went public, I for the first time saw what a monster this man could be. He verbally assaulted me, blamed me for everything, attacked my car doing thousands in damage, and threatened to screw me over. All because it was my fault his wife had left him. He had lost his children and it was ALL my fault.

His wife ended up calling me a few weeks later to tell me she was divorcing him. The reasons being, he was a chronic cheater (as in 30+ women) and pathological liar. He did not contribute anything to his family financially and had been physically and emotionally abusive for their entire 5 year marriage. She wanted to make it clear to me that she didn't blame me, and that it wasn't the baby that made her decide to file for divorce. She told me she actually felt sorry for me and wanted to be my friend. Which at the time seemed so strange. She offered her friendship and told me that he was a monster and she hoped I didn't give in and let him use me like she or his other ex had. He has another child with another woman from about 12 years ago and his wife informed me that it was the same story with her. Cheating with multiple women, physically and mentally abusive the entire time.

My pregnancy was brutal. In between him trying to start relationships with other women and rubbing them in my face ("so and so is gorgeous", "so and so is so smart, it's nice to speak to someone with a brain finally"), he would come back and be supportive and loving to me. He would lash out at me verbally whenever something went "wrong" for him, and then he would try and take it back and apologize. He would give me lists of all the reasons this girl or that girl were better than me and why we would never be together. He would say things like "you're so in love with me but we can never be together. You aren't right for me" or "I know if I told you I wanted you that you would drop everything in a second to be with me." This was a never ending cycle. When I was 7 months pregnant we had been getting along for a month or so. This was around the time he started telling me he loved me again, and started talking marriage. We were taking weekend trips together, looking at places to live, making plans for the baby, etc. Things during this time finally felt "right" and I let my guard down. I thought he was finally coming around. I was so drained and beat down emotionally at this point I was just so relieved for something "good" for a change.

4 weeks before our daughter was born he bailed. He created a match.com profile and told me he was never talking to me again. He said he always cared about me but that he needed to "heal" from losing his family and he couldn't do it with me in his life. He said "you have loved and supported me like no one ever has, I know this...but it's not enough for me." I was DEVASTATED. Very pregnant and all alone. 2 weeks later he texted me pictures of him kissing his new girlfriend saying "I'm finally happy. I found the one I've been waiting for." That girlfriend bailed a week later when someone told her he had a baby due within weeks. During the last few weeks of my pregnancy he would send random emails to me. "Thinking of you" or "thought you would like this article." I did not engage in any of it as I was so broken and trying to get ready to have my baby.

When I went in to labor he texted to say "I'm sorry I can't be there for you" then an hour later showed up at the hospital but I asked him to wait in the waiting area, which he did. I just couldn't handle it. He has been so over the top abusive to me. From telling me I should kill myself (stuff like "cut yourself so I can watch you bleed to death" or "I hope you both die in childbirth. That would be the best day of my life.") to calling our daughter a worthless, unwanted, etc. I let him come meet her for 20 minutes after she was born. A few days later he came back around and was texting, calling and emailing constantly. Over the top nice. Asking how she was. How we both were doing. Telling me how beautiful and special she is, etc. I took her and spent a day with him when she was a couple weeks old. He was very charming and loving and I tried to keep my distance. The weeks after that he continued to call and message daily. Checking up on me, asking about our daughter. Telling me he wanted to "help" me find happiness and that he believed in me as a person and his friend. He begged me to "talk" to him about what I was going through and when I told him I didn't feel comfortable because he had become a stranger to me after what had happened he said "I'm going to work hard to change that. I used to be someone you trusted. I will be again someday, I promise."

2 days later he messaged me in the morning to inform me he ONCE AGAIN had a new girlfriend and she was everything he had been looking for. They had met a month before, had made it official a week ago and after sitting and "pondering" where he wanted his life to go, decided she was the only constant he wanted or needed. He said he wished to be a part of our daughters life (who was 5 weeks old at the time), but that he was demanding his time be one on one with his new girlfriend because he never wanted "alone time" with me again. I said he was welcome to be a part of her life, but I wasn't giving him unsupervised time, especially with some woman who is essentially a stranger. A little background info on that, he asked not to be on our daughters birth certificate and after he walked away at the end of my pregnancy, I decided that was for the best. So we have no parenting plan and he has no custody legally. I've never said "you can't be a part of her life" but I'm also not handing my newborn off to him unsupervised until a court tells me I have to. Regardless, he didn't like my answer, so he bailed again. He said he was removing me from his phone and that I can ONLY contact him through email where his girlfriend has access to. He said he's changed and is a new person and is being completely honest and transparent in this relationship and he doesn't want anything to allow her to doubt him. I've since found out from his 2 exes that the new girlfriend found out he was still on match.com after they officially started dating and then she found naked pictures of him and another woman from that time frame too. She broke up with him, so he wrote a blog about being a "sex addict" and how he wanted to change but needed someone to believe in him. She took him back and they are SO over the top "happy" now it makes me sick to my stomach. He flaunts her everywhere and despite this woman knowing he is abandoning his newborn child and neglecting his other children, she tells everyone he's an amazing father and man.

I'm so destroyed over all of this. He asked me to please occasionally send photos of our daughter and I have. He has responded here and there, with "she's beautiful" or "I miss her". Then wrote back one day "I haven't abandoned her. I haven't run. I gave you and opportunity to allow her to be a part of my life but under the pretense that my life is with someone else now." One month ago today I went and had lunch with his first wife and their child. She took a picture and posted it on Facebook, which he then took a screenshot and sent to me saying "I see you are all great friends now. So please understand why I won't respond to your emails anymore. Goodbye." He's just gone completely silent, despite me reaching out asking to speak to him several times about our daughter. I asked him to formally relinquish his rights if he is choosing to walk away. He says NOTHING. His two exes keep telling me this is a control tactic and he always has to have an outlet to rage at and be his "cat to kick" so to speak. He knows I have abandonment issues from being abandoned by my own parents at an early age and he knows how much the silent treatment KILLS me. Logically I think it must be a game because a normal person would say "quit contacting me" or "I'm done talking to you." I've since found out he's telling his new girlfriend I'm crazy and obsessed with him. I'm just so hurt. I hate what he's done to me. I'm a shell of a person at this point because of him. I'm doing the best I can emotionally to pick myself up off the floor but feel like a failure on so many levels. I have a 3 months old baby girl who's only met her father 2 times, and even though I know that is HIS choice, it still kills me. I feel guilty. Like I failed her. I'm constantly anxious because I never know if he's just gone or if he'll be back at some point to cause more chaos. Each time he "leaves" the exits get more and more dramatic and more cruel and I know at some point they must just stop all together. I can't take anymore.

In my mind and heart I truly feel he's just done this time and I won't hear from him anymore. He's found something "better" (as he keeps telling anyone and everyone who will listen). This new relationship of his is very public and he parades her everywhere. We have so many mutual friends so I still here about it despite trying to not look at his social media sites anymore. The new girlfriend also emailed his ex wife and told her that he was a good man, a good father and he just needed someone to love him in the "right way". That she was his future and she trusts him despite what happened at the beginning of their relationship and they will be different. She said it was love at first sight for them (haha) and he told her he loved her after 5 days (WHAT?! But remained on match.com for a month after that, sleeping with other women. Seems legit.). Now 3 months into their "relationship" they are referring to themselves as a family. They've been living together since month 1. It hurts me. It shouldn't because I know the likelihood that this "relationship" will be anything but completely dysfunctional with time are slim to none. It still hurts deeply though. I feel worthless and unwanted. The rejection I feel for my daughter is unbearable. I can't understand why he tried so hard for the first month of her life to be present and involved just to bail again. My mind is filled with "is he really gone?" or "what will I tell our daughter someday." None of this makes any sense to me, but as my friend told me the other day, "you can't be logical with the illogical." I don't know if he's a narcissist or what. I just know he fits almost every red flag. I found this site in my attempt to find a support system to get through this and rebuild my life for my children and myself. I know it will be a long road ahead, but knowing there are people who can relate to what I've gone through and I am going through now is very comforting for me.