My Past Brought Me To This Pain

When I grew up my father was a violent alcoholic. He never hurt us girls but as my brothers got older he would physically fight with them and I would stand there crying. The family never talked about the problems. We just brushed them under the carpet and went on with our daily lives. I NEVER brought anyone to my house growing up. I was ashamed.

I was also molested by my brother, his friend and my cousin. I was threatened by them to never tell. And to this day, I have never told anyone. Again, sweeping under the carpet and never talking about the problem.

I've been married for almost 24 years. Have been separated for the last 2 1/2 years. The last 5 years of the marriage when we lived together, we slept in different bedrooms and were just like roommates. My husband has a drug problem and PTSD. I was extremely embarrassed by this and again swept it under the carpet, pretended it didn't exist to the outside world.

When I left my husband I had no boundaries or even morals. I got involved with a married man. He knew just what to say to me to suck me in. He helped me pack up my house and move. I was his weekly F**k. How degrading. My self esteem was so low and that attention he gave me sucked me in. This went on for almost a year. When we went our separate ways I was hurt but got over it in a couple of months.

THEN I MET SATAN!!!!!!! Again, no boundaries, no morals, low self-esteem, lack of self respect and insecurities.

I have had a little over 4 months NC. However per Goldie I have had "NC by proxy". The next time I see my friend I will tell her, I don't want to hear anymore. I have to move on. I have to find piece of mind and stop thinking about how he is going to try to get revenge on me. I have a lot of anxiety over this on a daily basis.

Now it's time for ME. My foundation is so weak. I have to start from scratch, block by block. Summer is coming. Spring is here. It's time for a fresh start. I know everyday will be a struggle but I have a couple friends, this site and my therapist to lean on.