The Return of the Narc: Lessions Learned in Round TWO

Hi all. I haven't posted here in well over a year. This site was tremendous to me in my recovery. I can't tell ya how much it meant to me to be able to come to a place and spill all the dirty - stuff I couldn't share with friends and coworkers, well, because I worked with my N and some of my so called friends actually went on to hang out with him and his friends. I was allowed to be raw here and read others stories and even give some helpful (I hope)advice. I actually think giving advice to others helped heal me more than continuously divulging my story.

After the first few months of NC with the N I ended up visiting a friend out of town for many weekends (best girl friend from college) and then dated here and there to stop any interaction between mine and his worlds.

The N made several attempts last year to reach me and they all went ignored (yay me). Unfortunately, I have to report that I gave in sometime last October and allowed communication to be re-opened. I just wanted to share some things that I learned this time around in hopes that it may give you hope if you mess up like I did. One noticeable difference is that this time around I'm far from devastated. It's almost like I wasn't placing any chips on this and I'm not ashamed to admit that I was getting lonely in the fall. Not that it's an excuse to go back to toxic, but hey, it happened. I had the biggest urge to come back here and write it all out, so here we go:

1.) Here's the biggy - I learned it wasn't me. Without reciting my entire experience, I can sum up and say that over the course of three years of him sleeping with me, then rejecting me took a toll on my confidence. There's only so much rejection one person can take before breaking and let me tell you, the first time around, I BROKE. Pieces. Shattered, unfixable pieces. This second time around I used as a self experiment. I did everything right. I closely monitored my behavior, my actions and reactions. I was giving him no ammo to come back at me with (as we all know, narcs do this to knock you down). I was a perfect little angel. And guess what? He still walked away again. I think I just really needed to prove that it wasn't me or anything wrong with me. It never was. Though on round one I was so clouded and insecure that the whole time I thought something was wrong with me or that I could do something better. Round two showed me all I needed to know.
2.) I have changed for the better. I can now spot red flags, spot bs and have learned the power of no words over a smartass retaliation. I've grown in many ways.
3.) The Narc will always come back. Mine went a couple months one time before even trying again. And I'm sure it will happen again. But this time I know.... (see #4)
4.)NC really does a job on the Narc. I was fascinated in how better he pretended to be this time around. It was gratifying :) Every time he tried to fight, in which I would walk away and not reply, he'd always contact me with an apology later. That NEVER happened in round 1. It was almost like he was scared that I would cut the contact (and his sex supply) again. So he upped his game in that regard.
5.) NC has to be final. I have a better head on my shoulders this time and I know that any interaction with him will lead to no good. He's not changing.
6.) I will fall in love again. It's been a very long time that I've had any kind of hope, but I feel the hope deep within and I know it will come true. I know I'm worthy of it.
7.) I'm going to be okay. Hell, I am okay. And so will all of you! Life does go on and in five years from now my tragic round one will be a faded sour memory and my not so tragic round two will be laughable.
8.) There's still good people out there. I've been hurt by men and women alike. The girlfriends I thought I had... well, see #9
9.) I've learned to take value off of bad friendships. I felt betrayed and abandoned when some of my friends left my side to hang out with him, or to kick me when I'm down. I think I've always just put a high value on friends, but now... well now I'm learning to put me first. They all do it, so I will too. This is new for me. I think many people grow up being told that they need to take care of themselves first, that they're the only one they can rely on, blah blah blah. I didn't have that guidance. I just kinda thought of my friends as my hand picked family. But when I went through these things, they weren't there. Lesson: find new, better friends. And constantly remind yourself that one day a man might burn them so bad that they just wish that had a good group of girls to fall back on. And they might just turn into a girl's girl instead of a guys girl (i.e needs all the attention, everyone to like them).
10.) I found joy again. I laugh at little things again. I feel like me more than ever, just a more adult version. If you feel lost and not like yourself, just know that you'll get back to you someday. As long as you stay away from the Narc!!!

So to whoever comes across this, I hope this lifts your spirits. Mistakes are made, but they have a purpose. Get back to YOU, be good to you. Know it was NEVER YOU that made your Narc act the way he does. And I just really hope by writing this I can help someone else out. Thanks for reading :)

-K