My purge...thank you for listening in advance:)

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#1 Apr 1 - 12PM
jekyll-hyde nomore
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My purge...thank you for listening in advance:)

It has been a long, hard year since I last had contact with my narc. A year of self-discovery, depression, relief, guilt, and every other rollercoaster emotion you want to toss in that description. I met my beautiful man narc at a wedding about four years ago. He was the most handsome man I'd ever seen; cut to perfection and he was attracted to me.
Mutual friends of ours fueled the fire, and it wasn't long before I was hearing that this "man" was a wonderful Christian, that he had a good job, no baggage, etc. Apparently this was his new mask. People from his past would tell me that he USED to drink, party, be a real "wild man, ladies’ man, etc.", but now, by some miracle, he had changed his ways. I bought it...hook, line and sinker. We began dating. He introduced me to family and friends talked me into going back to church again, read the bible with me, etc. He also introduced me to hunting. We went everywhere together the first three months; I bought a bow and started whitetail hunting with him. It was a magical three months...but things started changing. The mask started slipping. His true colors started showing.
The first time I can remember something being "strange" was when he began questioning my whereabouts. What time I went here and there. At first, I didn't think much of it, but coupled with other things, I suppose it was just another piece of the puzzle. He began blowing me off, and on one particular day, he bragged about how he was going out to eat with some friends that afternoon, but wouldn't and didn’t invite me to go. This happened frequently, and it hurt. On one occasion I decided to stick up for myself. He blew me off and when he tried contacting me later that day, I ignored him. If he was too busy for me, then I was going to be too busy for him. I put my phone away and decided to enjoy my day with my son. As I came down the stairs that evening, I happened to look out the window, and I saw him THROWING things into my mailbox. EEK. I retrieved my phone and realized he had tried to call, but I hadn't answered right away (which I always did, to avoid being accused of cheating, etc.) and he was LIVID. As immature as it sounds, a part of me was happy to see emotion, a break in the ice cold facade. However, he broke up with me. This was one of MANY break ups to come. After a week of silent punishment, he came back around, but not before I groveled and profusely apologized. He was training me to be his puppet. Building his strings. It was MY fault that I was hurt. After all, he just wanted to hang with his friends, right?? He broke up with me again, soon after that episode. This time he wrote me a letter, instead of talking to me. A beautifully scripted letter. It stated that he was thankful for me being in his life, and for showing him about love, but that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. It was only fair and right of him to move forward with her, and that he was sorry for ever hurting me.
WOW. You would think after that, I would have run for the hills. He dated me for 7 months and just now decided that he needed to resolve things with his ex. WHAT A JOKE!! I was devastated. I cried and cried. Mind you, he was the first man and dating experience that I had post-divorce, so my self-esteem was already hindered. It was the perfect storm. I was vulnerable and alone….and he was the hand that fed me. Fast forward to months, I still hadn’t moved on. I spent all my time working and with my son (who I protected from this monster up to this point). I was heartbroken. Out of nowhere HE calls. Crying and begging for my forgiveness. Things had fallen apart AGAIN with his ex, and now he had seen the light, and he wanted me back. My heart was jumping for joy. I excused all the past behavior away, and blamed it on his hang up on the ex, forgave him and opened my life back up for him to jump in. He had been honest right? Broke up with me and told me the truth? I could trust him, forgive and chalk it up to a mistake. BOY WAS I DEAD WRONG.
We had a brief honeymoon period, where things were peaches and fuzz again. We went back to church and this time, after a period of three months, I decided to introduce him to my son. Things were good, the past was the past, cloud 9 it was. He didn’t really seem interested in my son much, or my life. I started noticing little things again. He never asked about my day, didn’t call some days, would blow me off, making plans with me, than cancel. When my cat died, he didn’t care. He would say one thing, yet do another. He would get upset over petty things, like, I didn’t answer his texts fast enough, I didn’t act excited to see him when he walked in the door, I wasn’t affectionate enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, I was too fat, etc. I loved him more than anything, and every time an accusation was thrown my way, I would try and prove him wrong. I tried morphing myself, my personality and my body to make him happy, however…it NEVER happened. I realized that church was his cover, his way to say that he was a better man, to me and the world. It wasn’t genuine; in fact, I think he was the devil himself. It became constant head games. He would talk about how pretty another girl was, say he was going to hang with a friend, and the girl was going, then leave my house and not talk to me for two days. He wanted me to worry, to be insecure, and to lose faith. I knew he was crazy, but even more so, I knew he was making me crazy. I knew I had never felt this way. I was acting like a person I no longer knew. My friends saw me wasting away, by the end of the relationship; I was a corpse of who I used to be.
The last time he came back, he brought a Christian couples self-help guide, a love and respect seminar. He convinced me that if we completed this together, that we would be good. It was the fall of 2012 when this began. By November, the honeymoon period was over once more. Each time he came back, it was worse. The verbal and mental manipulation was increasingly bad. I would catch him in many lies. He stole my cell phone on one occasion and kept it for two days, attempting to catch me talking to another man (I never would have, I was too afraid). He would always say things were my fault, I was to blame. I didn’t respect him enough. So I would try harder, write him cards, letters, anything to prove to him that he was the love of my life. This sounds desperate, and it was. I was at rock bottom and clinging to someone who was sucking the very life out of me. I lived off of bread crumbs. The once and while surprise or compliment he would throw my way. The one good week we’d have.
In the end, he left again. He said he was leaving me, that HIS love would never be enough. That he wanted someone that appreciated him and that he was never coming back to me. I have not spoken to him since. I blocked him and I thought, this is it, I need emotional rehab. I have left so much out. Stories of abuse and manipulation, but it would take forever. I want someone to identify with me, yet I feel sorry that you can. I am in a much better place. I am happy. I have a great son. I was just accepted to graduate school in the fall, and I am recovering. I live in a small town, so from time to time I hear of him. He has his current girlfriend pregnant. Sometimes they are together and sometimes they are not. She reached out to a friend of mine, and asked my friend if I would ever talk to her. She is miserable. A part of me smiles at that, and a apart of me worries for her and the baby. I cannot have any more children, and he knew this from the beginning. He would use that against me every chance he got. Now she is having his child and can’t handle him. I am moving on. I have times where I still think of the abuse, the hate. I am convinced NARC’s leave us with PTSD. I am strong, and people have been through worse, I will prevail. Thank you for listening.

Apr 2 - 7AM
jekyll-hyde nomore
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Thank you for the support and

Apr 5 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
rubyroo
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Hi, I have a couple of

Apr 1 - 5PM
StrongasDandelion
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Dear jekyll-hyde nomore,

Apr 1 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ugh.. Just another day here

Apr 1 - 2PM
spinning
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Welcome, jh no more...

spinning