A little movement

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#1 Mar 29 - 6AM
aurora
aurora's picture

A little movement

Hi All

Ive been flatlining a bit the last couple of weeks.
Resentful of feeling stuck, numbness, vagueing out and feeling super irritable and angry.

Seeing narc behaviour everywhere has driven me batty.

I have kinda cut myself off from everyone unless I absolutely have to engage (like for example at work).

I have been reading more about the emotionally abusive aspect of how narcs infiltrate your mind, scrambling up everything you ever thought was true, real and reliable.

I don't view the world in a good way at the moment - I am distrustful of everyone, see negatives in everything, and just crave the time when I can go to bed every night and at least for a short period not be bombarded by all the things in the world that trigger these feelings in me.

Im not overwhelmed or spinning like I was at the start coming to grips with the car accident I had become. I haven't lost my hope and faith in the future like I did before I found this forum.

I also recognise how my pre-existing situation - personality, disposition, certain vulnerabilities and 'presentation' made me ideal 'project destroy' from the narcs point of view.

Im suspicious and constantly dissapointed by the stereotypes of men and women, how poorly women are treated and the whole madonna/whore gig. I have felt trapped by some of these realisations - it can make you feel stuck in societal representations of how men and women 'should' behave - in the world, in the family unit, at work etc.

Underlying all of this of course is recognition of how strongly I have been drawn in by these stereotypes, because I can't quite fit with any of them.

Im also aware that the emotional abuse I experienced with the xnarc had left much more of a legacy on me that I had first thought, and I am still wading through the effects of the many and varied methods of the subliminal, mind -fuckery that went along with that. I resent this so much, but this is part of putting the whole thing into perspective and extricating myself from that web of lies and illusion.

It also draws me back to so many situations in my past where I have done foolish things, no trusted my gut instinct, followed the wishes of others to keep the peace, not stood up for myself or defined my own boundaries. Not only in relationships with romantic partners, but with friends, work colleagues, bosses, family members, the whole box and dice.

That kind of life review is exhausting and frightening, because I keep feeling like I have failed at life. That I am incompetent somehow. Its a dumb thing to say, but I did have a distinct voice in my head yesterday say to me 'you arent worthy'

So I have found that the isolation I have created and felt over the last couple of weeks is perhaps part of the process of weeding all this stuff out. The constant poring over various websites, reading books and other information to make sense of stuff. It all triggers certain memories, body sensations and feelings. The lies and deception are things I still struggle with, only thankfully not in a way that debilitates me the way it used to.

I had a great day today - the best Ive had in a long time. A girlfriend came for a visit this morning, the sun was shining, a relaxing walk at the dog park and catchup with some acquaintances who Ive known for many years. I was excited that I had the capacity to just 'be me', rather than feel I have this aura of 'narc victim' hanging over me. There was a sense of freedom. Freedom just to be me. It was wonderful.

Tonight I watched a tele program I used to watch with my exn - and I had no hint whatsover of memory, sadness, pining or anger. I was just in the zone, hanging at home, enjoying my evening. I couldn't do that 3 months ago.

When I find myself in my own self-limiting emotional prison, on autopilot, wondering why I cant move, can't think, can't focus or concentrate I literally have to physically move, call a friend, write stuff down, sit with painful feelings and then just let them wash over me. Try and find some workable kernel within it to reexamine what causes such emotional pain and 'stuckness', and then possible ways out of it.

Im going to start focussing more on the future I want for me. Im going to start writing these things down.

It will help when that feeling of emotional imprisonment and lack of choices sneaks up on me again. And also remind me that the xnarc did a much more insidious job on my that I had first realised.

I aim to win this battle - where winning is living an authentic, grateful and meaningful life. That is what gave me a sense of joy and happiness in the past, and Im sure I can work my way back there into my future.

love and hope to all

xxx

Mar 29 - 11PM
boomer14
boomer14's picture

it really is a process,isnt it?

Mar 29 - 12PM
ItsFinallytime
ItsFinallytime's picture

This is an amazing post. Full

Mar 29 - 11AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Isn't it really great that

Mar 30 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
TDbfree
TDbfree's picture

Clean breathing