Is it ME?

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#1 Mar 28 - 1PM
FaithKeeper
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Is it ME?

I need help. Why am I feeling bad for telling him exactly how HIS own behavior affected my life???

My relationship was very short compared to other stories I have read. 3 months. I have to admit; I am feeling bad for him and questioning myself at this point. Am I the N? Am I crazy? I broke up with him almost 2 weeks ago. He sat there while I was crying my eyes out without emotion and then after I said I had to do what is best for me, he felt the need to insult me. I was devastated when he scolded me like a child with his harsh tone and told me he was embarrassed of my behavior from the night before because he has a high image to uphold. To this day, I don’t know what I did to embarrass him and cried many tears because of it.

We met on a dating website 6 years ago but nothing developed. We both went our separate ways and had relationships with other people. He saw me on a dating website again the end of last year and reached out to me. We went on a couple of dates and then we agreed to date exclusively.
From what he says, His Ex cheated on him multiple times during their relationship. He thought the answer was marriage so he married her and the marriage lasted approx. 3 months before he filed for divorce. He said he was really having a hard time getting over it. He holds an extreme amount of anger/revenge towards her for changing and messing up his life. I knew he was going through this, but I didn’t understand the depth of his darkness. From the many little things he shared with me, I’m can’t help but to wonder if he treated her the same way or is he just an angry Man not over his Ex?
These are some things that happened that were signs something wasn’t right. They aren’t in the order they happened…
1. Whenever I tried to discuss my feelings with him, he would snap and get extremely defensive from the first comment out of his mouth, showing aggression with his harsh tone and body language; belittling me by saying “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill”, telling me how I feel and what I think, telling me I worry about stupid stuff, etc. He even told me to tweak myself to her behavior because he wasn’t changing anything.

2. Twice he had mentioned withholding sex/intimacy as if he was using it as a punishment.

3. He was constantly updating Facebook with where we were or pictures of us. I politely asked him not to ‘check in’ our location on Valentine’s Day. We were going to a Spa and I felt the Facebook world didn’t need to know that. It was “OUR” day. He got bent out of shape and refused to check us in at any other location for next several weeks. He said I could do it, he wasn’t. He would make comments to make me feel bad for not allowing him to do that, he even said….”Well, maybe my Mom wants to know what we’re doing.”

4. He used the slang term “chink” while he was disgruntled and raging. I guess he forgot that my daughter is half Asian. It never dawned on him nor did he notice.

5. When I would speak up to avoid a possible driving disaster, he would slam the brakes to make it very obvious he was not pleased with me assisting he drive. I thought it was very interesting that he had plenty to say about my driving.

6. He expressed how he holds a grudge about his life today, having to move to our current city, even though I’m sitting right there trying to have a life with him in the present.

7. He wanted to share how many women he had slept with as he spoke with grandiosity. I quickly asked him not to share. Then he wanted to let me know how many women were on his facebook friends list that he has slept with, I again refused to know.

8. He often spoke of his Ex in an extremely hateful way. He said that it’s normal to have those feelings, and I agreed but what is not the norm are the hate/revengeful thoughts/self-defense scenarios that he expressed and when he spoke in detail of revenge, death wishes and self-defense strategies it honestly scared me. Because of the look on my face, He told me that if I was going judge him, maybe I shouldn’t ask him any questions.

9. He told me Demons were attacking him at night. I thought he was joking, but he wasn’t.

10. It seems he seeks attention/validation to the extreme from Women especially.

11. He would talk about himself as if he was superior and an honorable man. Yet his Facebook flirtatious behavior with other women was questionable at times.

12. He claims that his friend Kat is only a friend yet she is constantly liking and commenting on 90% of his posts on Facebook. She types XOXO a lot as well. The last straw for me was when she left a comment on his Facebook page as if it were “secret code”. I knew what she was referring to because he sent me the same webpage earlier that day. He claims that she originally sent it to him and then he forwarded it me. The website was sexually driven, so my argument was… if he is an honorable man (I heard that a million times) why is he having sexual conversations with another woman in the first place? - He had shared weeks prior that Kat had given him a blowjob 4 years prior and that they “kissed” back in December and were talking about dating each other but then something derailed their plans. He then started seeing me. Please note: the webpage I referred to above was blowjob related. When I expressed that I had a problem with the “secret code” exchange on Facebook, he got defensive and said that I was accusing him of having sexual relations and that was untrue, he is an honorable man! And then he said he never wanted to talk to me again!

13. He said I was big and that he would get a hernia if he gave me a piggyback ride is just another example of unkindness and it reminded me of that day when he randomly asked me if I was going to start going to the gym. I asked why? His response was because “I am really active during the spring and summer going hiking and so you need to be fit if you’re going to go with me. I am the same size and more active from the day he met me. If he was concerned with my physical fitness, he shouldn't have asked me out to begin with.

14. "Zoning Out", when he would simply stare ahead and not respond to a single thing I said. This would happen very often.

15. When we first started talking, he expressed how he really wanted to work through his pain. I never saw any work that promotes personal growth. It seems that he has found a very comfortable seat in misery mansion. The more pain, self-pity, woe-is-me, hate and evil he can flounder in the better. He justifies constant conflict in his life and excuses his behavior by blaming everyone else. As long as he can point a finger, he gives himself permission to play with the devil. He proclaimed “It’s not MY fault!”

16. He said I needed to learn how to Kiss. So he taught me his way. This was weeks in our relationship.

17. He said he liked it a certain way when in bed, so he just wanted me to stay still. He said he couldn’t concentrate if I moved. He wanted to be in charge I guess. This was weeks in our relationship.

18. When I told him I had plans with my girlfriends 3 weeks in advance, he reacted as if I was telling him the day of. So his idea was to set up a shared calendar so we can keep track of when we each makes plans to not be with each other.

19. He constantly reminded me that he has “stuff” to get through before he could allow himself to give 100% to the relationship.

20. He would tell me how sex would get better and better when he would allow emotions to be included.

21. We both play a sport on the same team. He quit the team since our breakup. We had practice this week for the first time together since our breakup and I thought it went really well. I was extremely nervous because I know of the revengeful thoughts against his prior Ex. He thinks everyone is out to do him wrong, even though I told him that is not true.

22. I wrote him a letter after I ended it at his house. The letter included much of what I wrote above and how those things made me feel. The letter was also kind and compassionate but it was direct. Even though I requested to not receive a response, he responded. This was his response:

I'm not going to waste my time pointing out your character flaws like you did in this email. I really don't need to make you into something awful to justify our relationship failing. It failed because we are in different places in our lives, and we are meant to be with different people. You made the choice to stay in the relationship regardless of all those "horrible" things that I am and You chose to settle for mediocrity in a relationship.

23. He has ignored my pleas to pls take two seconds to see my point of view.

Today I feel horrible for him quitting the team. I feel like I was exhausted trying to be happy for two people all the time. The energy level was low all the time and I felt that he was never fully engaged in the relationship. There was always the past on his mind as he sat there zoned out, constant facebook attention, and reminders that he wasn’t fully engaged with me, his condescending comments, and that gut feeling I had that something was off balanced. Why is it so hard to trust my instinct?

Mar 31 - 4PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Wow, it's so not you! Red

Journey on...

Mar 30 - 10AM
NoMoreFreakBoy
NoMoreFreakBoy's picture

Stay focused...

Mar 29 - 10AM
Portia
Portia's picture

Good News, Bad News

Mar 29 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
FaithKeeper
FaithKeeper's picture

I have reread

Mar 30 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
ItsFinallytime
ItsFinallytime's picture

You didn't hurt him. You're

Mar 30 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
MeFirst
MeFirst's picture

My God!! You are dead on!!

Mar 29 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
Portia
Portia's picture

Time and Work

Mar 29 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

They are master manipulators!

Mar 28 - 2PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Thank God for you this was

Mar 28 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
FaithKeeper
FaithKeeper's picture

It's just so very difficult

Mar 30 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
talktothehand
talktothehand's picture

Buzzangel

Mar 28 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
FaithKeeper
FaithKeeper's picture

Also wanted to say, Thank you

Mar 28 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Sweet girl, if you dumped him

Mar 28 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

buzz, I am so sorry you

spinning

Mar 28 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
FaithKeeper
FaithKeeper's picture

Thanks so much for the reply.