Accepting and Inviting the Pain and Drama

I got to a post last week about the highs and lows of withdrawing from the N. it was all so invaluable. Some of the responses helped me to look into myself and my past..to help me discover why I would allow and re-allow myself to be discarded and recycled..especially since I consider myself to be attractive, reasonably intelligent and in tune with who I am. My self esteem took a plummet with all of these discards. I let the N back in..hoping for a different outcome..instead..the outcome was always the same and I looked and felt like a bigger fool.

I can see a correlation between the abuse I had from my mother before I was taken from her and put in foster care, and this attempt to continually reconcile with an abuser. At my age, this is my first experience with someone who is probably truly an NPD..and so I think I sheltered myself until now.

I dont dwell on my early experiences much, because I consider my self to be a strong survivor of those early experiences..and the images of that time are few and far behind in my head. I put myself through school, I have a beautiful child who I just adore, I am smart and basically successful though I could be doing more. MY past has never been a crutch, but I forgot until this lesson that the past pain is still a small part of who I am.

But, the truth is..in nearly ALL of my intimate relationships before the N I kept my heart at a safe distance. I never really was truly intimate or vulnerable with anyone. Not even my ex husband..sure I loved him..I "loved' others, but I always felt that him or others may leave someday and so I protected my soul. If I felt I may be hurt I made sure my heart was in a cage. I never fully opened myself up to any other lover, not fully.

The N wanted to know every detail about my early abuse..he wanted to know all of my vulnerabilities. He said again and again eh would protect me from my past..he was the knight. I didnt need protection...I myself overcame those things and I help other children in those situations now. But..I did expose my vulnerabilities to him.

I shared things I had not shared..I found a solace in him. He was so laser focused on me, he seemed so protective ( jealous, insecure), he too seemed vulnerable ..hed cry then rage ( more like he was spoiled and couldnt handle life0. I felt he needed em to help him..and the feel of him and dropping my guard for a man was overwhelming.

Im learning now, that this passion and vulnerability was perpetrated by the N.He was a cunning manipulator and yes does struggle with some type of depression..which made him seem needy. A great tactic. I felt he too needed me in his life. Truth is , he needed anyone to validate him. He would scream for me to build him up as a man..this is a good looking man, almost 50, with a lot of money..but needing me to build him up? Truth is he is a shell of a man. 5 ex wives..a man who lost his high paying status as a government contractor ( no one will take him back), and a man who needs to proclaim his "happy" "christian" thoughts on facebook to feel something. He uses women, a lot of single moms actually to play family.Then they all go away!
He sought me out...he liked that I help others for work..that I am attractive..that I am selfless..that being linked to me made him look the same.

So he swept in promising to take care of all, marry quick, do all, have me at home..he felt the world wanted to sleep with me, he was jealous, angry, and then..he would tap into my vulnerabilities. he would Swoop me off my feet. Spoil me. Then go on the drop of a dime, punishing me.

I see now that this is A similar cycle to my physically abusive mother who literally kept me in a basement until I was found....long ago. When she had visitation years later, I would try to please her in our conversations..I felt bad for her..she would promise me things..and then..one day she just vanished and never showed for a visit again.

While that was long ago and I became a gentle mother myself, which I am so blessed for...I realize the N had me recreating that early experience.

How powerful and strong his promises were..how safe it felt having me rush into him. i actually believe I loved him..the image of him. his oddities, his passion, his routines, his need for me. His blue eyes. But..I am coming out of the fog.

No contact now for almost 2 weeks. I hear he sold our home in new England, we only just bought..and is living it up in another new condo at the beach again back again where I found him in florida. He upped and sold all the furniture he supposedly bought me within weeks and moved another 8 states way. A little unstable for almost 50. Either way he is still far away from me and Im glad I didnt move or marry quickly as he wanted again this time.

I was a passing moment..and when he passes again I will be stronger..Ive figured him out. And now, it is about figuring me out..so I do not ever fall to this again.

It was good to be vulnerable..and it is a shame that it was with the wrong person.