Illuminating the obvious

Clarity comes with work. Struggling with the addiction to the drama and the highs (and lows), kept me suffering needlessly. Thinking this particular person can bring me happiness and fulfillment, and insisting that I get this from her. And believing this fantasy, unexamined, I suffered greatly at her hands (I thought). But it was necessary for me to suffer until it all stopped working...I had to examine all of it, over and over and over...finally I surrendered, let go of my firm grip of controlling outcomes (playing God), and started finding sanity again. The list of what was wrong in my life got very short after I recovered from the idea that she and I were supposed to be together.

This process takes different forms in different people...I had to grind and grind and ruminate and re-play every insane moment of our relationship...and I had to beat myself up...and in that circular hell it really didn't occur to me to ask myself the most simple of questions.

"Do I even want this person in my life?"

The answer finally was an absolute "NO", and it was like a light of truth shined upon me. Clearly obvious. I made her up in my mind...she gave me what I wanted to see, and I got hooked, and didn't let go of that image of her that I created. I am not discounting getting mad at them, but that is just a step in recovery, that is not the key to freedom. Acceptance of all of it is the key. And my part in all of it is the only part I can change. So that is the Golden Key!

There is where the freedom lies!

ds