My Story fauxleo_and_juliet

It all started during my undergrad. I was an unassuming 20 year old and my main priorities in life were school and fun. I met him at a party. Rather, he was my ride home. My roommate and I had decided to go to a birthday party at her friend's house. Most of the guys there were members of one of the campus fraternities, and it was rush season.
We needed a way to get home, and my roommate's friend called one of the pledges.

That's when HE entered my life. He had piercingly beautiful turquoise eyes. I sat in the back seat and I saw him looking at me through his rear view mirror. He asked me my name. I told him. He joked, and said his name was Aladdin, and threw out some cheesy joke about a magic carpet. I wasn't interested. He dropped my roommate and I off at home and asked for my number, but I declined.

Over the next few weeks, my roommate pushed me to talk to him. She knew him vaguely, but she did know his friends and everyone vouched for his character. I finally gave in and she gave him my number. He began to call me and text me. I would never hang out with him. He chased me for about 2 months before I finally gave in and agreed to lunch with him.

I was not attracted to him physically or in any other way. His accent annoyed me. I thought he was slightly arrogant. But all of that changed when we went to lunch. He was smart, witty, gentle, and our backgrounds were similar. From then on, I was hooked.

Before me, he never had any kind of serious girlfriend. He was what I would call an ugly duckling. He was nerdy, wore weird clothes, and was a member of a campus organization that basically entailed social suicide (remember, we are 20--these things mattered at the time!)

But right before he met me he went through this total transformation. He stopped hanging out with the "uncool" crowd, got a new wardrobe, bought a motorcycle that all the girls drooled over, and of course, joined a frat. He turned into the guy every girl wanted to date. He was tall, had a great body, was naturally tan, and of course HIS EYES.

We began dating seriously. We were inseparable, and it was a great time. We were "that" couple. We went to parties, went dancing, went on rides on his motorcycle. We stayed together for a few months before he had to go back to his country for a few months on account of his student visa was expiring. He would stay 6 months and then return to begin his Master's degree. I agreed to wait.

During this time, we would Skype, text, call…everyday. But then "it" started happening. He became controlling, jealous, and at the same time distant. I felt it was because of the long distance. But no, there was more to it. Girls from his home country posted flirtatious comments on his Facebook wall. When called out on it, he would get angry at me and call me "paranoid." There is a difference between being friendly and being flirtatious. But he just wanted to get away with it without getting caught.

He returned 6 months later and we met up in Puerto Rico for our "reunion". Everything seemed great. We were there for a week. In that time, he met my mother's side of the family, including my then 93 year old grandmother who was of great importance in my life. In my family, we do not bring "boyfriends" around unless we are considering marriage. I was young, but I already knew that this was the man I was "meant to be with." Or so I thought…..

Then something happened. He snapped. We were at the airport getting ready to board our flight back to the US and he clammed up. No idea why. I tried asking him what was wrong and he yelled at me in the airport. On the flight back, we did not have seats together and he did not want to change it. I spent the entire time flying back from Puerto Rico to Arizona all alone. Not a word from him, no idea why….

That semester, everything would change. What started off as a fairytale quickly turned into a nightmare. He moved into the frat house. I would never hear from him unless it was when HE wanted to hear from me. He played games with me. I was never allowed to visit his place unless I had permission (why did I need permission?). He began doing cocaine and ecstasy behind my back until I discovered it. He was acting single and wanted all the attention from other girls but still wanted me to wait hand and foot on him because I was his "good girl" that would always stick around. He traveled to places alone and he never liked that I confronted him on it. I almost failed out of college that semester. The roller coaster and abuse and control carried over until spring semester. It was a long ride before I finally put my foot down and said enough.

I broke up with him outside of his house. I'll never forget his expression. He cried and told me very "sincerely" that he loved me and that I was all he had. It's true. I was all he had, because all of his "friends" were all good for nothing losers who would have nothing to do with him after college. Drinking buddies. I finally let him have a taste of his own medicine and started doing exactly what he did to me. I would be completely unpredictable, contact him only when I needed something, and it drove him insane.

The day came where he finally had to leave for good back to his country. I was relieved. I would never have to deal with him ever again!!! I was sad, but I was relieved. I guess I still had enough spunk back then to quickly rebound from awful situations. I put him behind me……or so I thought.

I began dating other people, having fun, enjoying my single life again. I eventually entered another relationship and was pretty happy. But for the next 2 years, I would receive emails upon emails from my ex-N. I realized I was still in love.He would tell me how bad he had messed things up, how bad he needed me and loved me and that nothing could fill the void. He went on to date other girls but nothing ever lasted over a month for him. Not just in love but maddeningly in love with him. He was my kryptonite. I couldn't stay away. My relationship with the other guy didn't end up working out, and we went our own ways. It was sad, but I got over it quickly. I was never in love with him.

One day, I received a phone call from an unknown Arizona number. I picked it up. It was him. His voice was shaking and he told me he had travelled the 32 hour journey to come visit me. He told me he was going to get married and that he needed to see me one last time before he took his vows. I agreed to see him. Once again, it was like bees to honey. I couldn't stay away. We both cried and it was like some sort of movie. Reunited! We agreed that because we were older, more mature, and both had careers at this point, we would try again. I believed him. He was so convincing. He would fly out every few months to see me, and I would fly to see him. Finally, we decided we wanted to get married. We got married here in the states, and I waited until May to quit my job, sell my car, sell all my furniture, rehome my doggies (which I still feel horribly guilty about!)….with the blessings of my family I packed up and said goodbye to America.

I landed in his country. Things immediately and I mean IMMEDIATELY went sour. He wasn't at the airport to pick me up because of a tiff we had gotten into the day before. So help me, he was not at the airport! I was all alone in a foreign country where I did not speak the language and didn't know where to go and he had the balls to just leave me there. I had to borrow a janitor's cell phone to call him. He came and no hug, no welcome, no nothing. He told me to stop crying and embarrassing him and to just get in the car.

Uh oh.

For the next 2 weeks, we would sleep on the couch as my "punishment" for my behavior at the airport. He did not allow me to see his family. It was a month before I saw them.

I got a job as a teacher which, in this country, pays a lot, and it's tax free. I got myself a luxury SUV, our apartment was furnished and I was ready to start my life. But as soon as we got "settled", he began the same CRAP that he pulled in college. He was never home. He would come home almost every single day between 3 am-6:30 am. He would become defensive when I told him that as a now-married-man, that it was inappropriate to stay out that late. He would go on all-guy trips to neighboring countries and party hard all weekend, going to clubs, drinking, and who knows what else. He'd block my calls and texts. He began criticizing me, asking me why I didn't have any friends. When I explained that UM HELLO I'M NEW IN THIS COUNTRY AND I JUST STARTED WORKING, he wouldn't care. He had no feelings whatsoever. No remorse. No guilt. No shame. He would belittle me, degrade me, and make me feel like I was the crazy one.

Soon enough, I began putting my foot down and calling him out on his behavior. He began beating me when I did so. He beat me to the ground, kicked me, punched me, pulled my hair, until I saw flashes of light. I began acting crazy, screaming at him, begging him, pleading….I was a pathetic mess. He threatened divorce over and over and over. He would do anything to control me and instill fear. His eyes were cold and distant. A part of this, I do think, might be cultural. But the cultural component does not negate the fact that he is, I believe, a narcissist.

He would withhold affection as punishment for "talking back", leave me alone for days, weeks. One time, he moved out altogether for 1 month and moved in with his mom and dad who enable him. After my one month punishment was up, he came back. Everything was on his terms. God forbid I ever speak up.

I tried committing suicide at one point and almost went through with it. He recorded me and threatened to show his family and the police. I was lost. I had nobody in this country and his family refused to believe that their son could be this monster. Naturally, they blamed me, too.

In January, I had a winter break for 2 weeks and I thought that I would return to the states for a breather. I was convinced everything was my fault and I was the one who was pushing him to act like this. I sought counseling, read books, beat myself up, and even asked my mom what was wrong with me. When I arrived in the states, he immediately filed for divorce in his country. He immediately sold my car without my permission (illegally, but who cares because in that country the laws are medieval), packed all my clothes and sent them to me, and told me to "f**k off" and that he never wanted to see me again. He took $15,000 USD of my money, which is not a whole lot, but it's not a little either. And its mine. I spoke with his mom and told him everything he had done and she didn't believe me. She said she was "sad for me" as if taking pity on a crazy person. And that's what I have felt over the course of my second round with my ex-N. Crazy. It's all my fault. If I hadn't done this then it would've been ok…..blah blah blah.

Him and I still text. It's not pleasant. I'm still in the denial phase. I can't believe this guy is so heartless. It's as if I never existed. He is moving on with his life as if nothing ever occurred. I need to begin NC, and begin my journey of healing. But I know there are dark days to come. I have to restart my life. I have nothing, no money, no car, no job. He took all the money I had. I am staying with my parents, but the embarrassment haunts me every day. How could I have been so stupid? My parents invested in paying for a wedding for us that of course HE did not help pay for. I stare at my invitations and dress everyday….he told me "I can't be held responsible for that." So here I am. Broken, barely put together, and ashamed.

I came across this site merely by chance, but I am glad I did. It helps knowing WE survivors of Narcs are not alone.