A new way of thinking

Hello all,

I have been thinking about things a bit differently lately. I'm not sure if it represents a step forward or a step backward in my recovery, but it is bringing me some mental calm - which is something I've been seeking and craving for more than 15 months.

I first started reading up on the term "narcissism" about six months after my relationship ended. I remember feeling intense relief that what happened was the result of 'his disorder rather than my perceived inadequacies.

But after a few months, this initial relief gave way to more spinning, depression and unhappiness. I can't explain why. Perhaps it is because I have to see him regularly (we are colleagues). Perhaps it was because my low self esteem is more powerful a force than logic. Whatever the reason, I just couldn't stop analysing and questioning everything. My obsession felt as though it was getting worse, not better.

The change in thinking has happened only in the past week. It is not something I "figured out", or faux-convinced myself about, or read online. It just sort of . . . happened.

And here it is:

He may or may not be a narcissist; I don't know. He may or may not stay in the relationship with his new lady friend. His ex-wife may or may not have been a heartless b*tch. He may or may not now think of me as a whore; he may or may not think of me at all. My colleagues may or may not continue to fawn over him. He may or may not be a different person outside work. He may or may not be justified in his anger towards me.

I will never know the answers to these and dozens of other questions about him that have been clogging up my brain, threatening my sanity (literally), weighing heavy on my heart, and distracting my attention from things that matter to me.

Instead, I have started focusing on the facts as I see them from MY side of the fence:

* Back when we were involved, I felt myself falling in love with him - or, at leats, the person I thought him to be. This was helped along, of course, by heavy doses of dopamine. While these feelings turned out to be misguided, they were still real to me. And when things ended so suddenly and unexpectedly, it broke my heart.

* I need to mourn this loss; to lick my wounds. This process will take . . . well, however long it takes. I can't keep being angry with myself for not feeling strong, sassy, indifferent and "over it". These attributes cannot be forced. But what I DO know is that I will eventually be all those things again. At a time as yet unknown.

* No matter how much it inconveniences or bothers him, I am under no obligation to speak to him or even look at him. It doesn't matter that before all this happened, we were great friends. Narcissist or not, he lied to me. He continued to sleep with me while secretly dating someone else. He said hurtful, unkind and ungentlemanly things to me. Why on earth would I want a relationship of any kind with someone who has such lack of respect for me? If this is annoying to him, then maybe he shouldn't have sh*t in my nest.

* I have many gifts in my life. I have a husband and child who know I am flawed, but love me anyway. I have my health, a nice home, and a good job. I have a dog, a cat, a vegetable garden, a hobby. (THESE are the people/things that deserve my mental attention, and I have not been giving it to them.) What's more, I did not die or lose a loved one in an horrific plane crash.

And now that I think of it, the Malaysian Airlines tragedy may have been the sub-conscious trigger for this new outlook. I'm not sure. I only know that I feel a whole lot calmer than I have in many, many months.

Thank you for reading, and I hope this makes some sense.

SECM1968 x