Haven't posted here in a while

I haven't posted here in a while but have still been reading and keeping up to date. I wanted to ask if anyone still felt that they had become needy of other people after the narc experience. I am 20 months roughly out of the relationship with the psychopath. It hasn't been complete nc. He's come back and hoovered several times and I've struggled sometimes more than others. The thing I find now though is that I'm scared to be alone. I don't feel I've recovered. I feel I'm always looking over my shoulder. I have just been offered a job that I know that I should be taking and excited about but after the n experience I feel terrified of losing the camaraderie that I have with my work mates. It feels safe. I'm sacred of any change now. My life is all about fear. Still even though I know I should be recovered. It's because he still pops up. He turns up wherever I am. I ignore him but he disappears for a time and then there he is and I still get triggered and I don't have the confidence to do anything . Sorry this seems like a really negative contribution for anyone new and struggling because I've been 5 years in this and I know I should be farther along. I've yet to see him with another woman though and I think this is what I live in fear of. It's like I do know now at last. I have known for sometime what he is and accepted I'd never go back yet I can't let go of the pain. I can't go out in the world and concentrate on anything else but him. He's always there. He haunts me. I've not even managed hatred or anger. It's like I'm still dead inside like when I was with him in the end. I think I've been doing ok bit then being offered this new job has totally scared me and triggered me and made me feel really depressed and scared to take the job. This can't be normal can it ?