Anger is Consuming Me

I haven't been on this site for sometime. I felt that I had made peace with everything I went through, but when I started to get back out into the dating world...ALL THESE AWFUL FEELINGS COME FLOODING BACK!

I got back into therapy and I guess that I'm FINALLY ready to accept fully that my ex was not just a narcissist, but a psychopath as well.

Up to this point, I knew he was selfish and narcissistic, but since I've entered therapy (and group therapy) again, it is clearer now than it has been in the 6 years since he left me.

I spent the better part of the last six years wondering what I did wrong...why was I unloveable? How could someone who told me he loved me more than anyone else EVER, just throw me away like an old pair of socks?

My therapist, friends, and other members in the group really opened my eyes to the abuse I went through. I can see clearly now and the healthier I get...the ANGRIER I get...

I know that anger can be healthy...It's a form of protection, of self-love (I FINALLY am putting the anger on the person who deserves it, instead of directing it towards myself.)

But how do we get over this anger, without feeling compassion towards our ex? When I try to forgive, I find myself falling into old patterns of making excuses, of feel sorry for him, of blaming myself.

I want to move on and have this experience be nothing more than a memory, but the anger is overwhelming me...and I sure don't want this anger to carry over to my next relationship.

I'm angry at him for lying, stealing, cheating, telling me he loved me when I know for a fact now, that he never did. I'm angry for be used, being abused, being abandoned, being mistreated.

I am a very loving, kind, compassionate person, and he took advantage of that...I always excused his behavior (his mother was dying while we were together,) but after she passed away, he became CRUEL.

I'm also angry at myself for missing the signs that are so clear now...I'm angry at the time and devotion and love I put into this person who is the closest thing to evil I have ever experienced in my life. I am angry over the years I grieved and blamed myself. I'm angry at myself for not giving all the other guys since my ex a chance...nice guys who may have been able to love me the way I deserved.
I'm angry for allowing my ex to cause me to have a break-down that caused me to go into the hospital. I'm angry at all the friends I lost. The money I lost...the drugs and the alcohol that I turned to in desperation to numb the pain...

I'm so fucking pissed...and my anger is scaring me!
How do I let go? How do I forgive? Not for his sake, but for mine???

I'm overwhelmed with sadness and anger...and I don't like the person that this experience is causing me to become.

I miss the old me...