Life after the psychopath

May 2013 – a little over a year after my exH walked out without notice, leaving me with our 1 year old child. I was going through a divorce, working the steps of Al-Anon, and starting to get used to juggling my many duties. Apparently, I wasn’t recovered enough as I allowed exN into my life, believing his sweet words and promises.

Looking back at my journal, I now see that the honeymoon phase lasted a mere 3 weeks. I was “obstinate” (his words – i.e. had opinions that were not acceptable to him and was too independent) and the devaluing began. Then came the discard. He’d hoover and I’d take him back. Idealization only lasted a few days from then on, devalue for a period of time, then discard. Silence for a while, then hoover. Repeat the above – 6 times in 5 months! Finally and thankfully (I didn’t think so at the time), I hit rock bottom and didn’t take him back after numerous hoover attempts. I still didn’t know what he was but I went LC (I work with him) to survive. Life with him had become too painful.

I found this site, went to counseling, and had a 1:1 with Goldie. Slowly, things sank in. Reality set in. The magical thinking went away. I could see him for the psychopath he really is!!!

15 months after the final D&D, life is the best it has ever been. I am grateful for all that I have. I look at things in a different light. I am surrounded by genuinely good people. There is no drama. I appreciate so many things that I could not see back then.

What has changed:

- I no longer work overtime and bend over backwards to appease and please an insatiable psychopath or any other disordered or toxic person. I do not give and trust indiscriminately.

- I don’t second guess my instincts.

- I have my friends and family back in my life and cherish my time with them. The relationships with these people is give and take and truly warm. It is so nice to have plans with others and to be able to enjoy my time with them without worrying about what consequences I would suffer from the psychopath later.

- I’m able to focus on my work and my business has grown. I love what I do. I can even work with the psychopath and not be triggered. I can spot his disordered antics and ignore.

- I met a man of few words but his actions show me how much he cares. He respects and encourages me to nurture my relationships with others, rather than keep me isolated like the psychopath. He has his own life and when he is out, I don’t ever wonder if he is doing something other than what he said or if he is with OW. He doesn’t rage, he doesn’t have rules that only apply to him or me, and rules are not ever-changing. We have conversations about him, me, and us – not just him. He adores my daughter and is very kind to her.

- My exH is working his program and we have grown to co-parent very well. My daughter has started to have a relationship with him in the last year and that makes me very happy.

- I have boundaries in place and am getting more comfortable setting them each day.

- I spend quality time with my daughter and dog and we have gotten back into our routine. There is no drama in the house and no abusive yelling. We have set up our house as we want it, do activities we like, and eat what we like. No more walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

- I haven’t cried or been infuriated over hurtful actions or accusations of the psychopath or cried thinking about missing the “relationship” in a long time.

- I don’t have obsessive thoughts about him or what he did/said. A year ago, I felt the thoughts and memories would continue to play over and over in my head and would never end. They do…and for that, I am grateful.

- My health has improved. I am out of my wheelchair and can take care of myself. I’ve recently ditched the long-leg braces and walker, off the oxygen, and am working towards doing a 3 mile fundraising walk for the disease that I have. I may never regain all of my strength or sensation but I am trying to make peace with that – I am getting there.

- I am back to the confident, independent, happy person that I was before I met the psychopath. But there is always room for improvement and I am a work in progress :)

There is life after a narc / psychopath and it can be wonderful! It was such a painful experience but a good / crucial lesson to be learned. I hope your path forward leads to a better place like it has for me. Thank you to all who moderate and contribute to this site!! I could not have done it without your knowledge and support.