My Story Howard Beach123

I am embarrassed to say, I have looked at the forums on this site a lot over the past year. Ive gone back several times to someone who is a Narcissist or bipolar..Im not sure. Each time, getting more involved. At least this last time, I do not feel as devastated as part of me felt the warning bells in my mind.

My N is almost 50 years old, and has had 5 ex wives and a child who disowned him at 20. I am 36 and have a 10 year old daughter. He was in the military for 20 years, and then worked as a contractor for a military school which trains soldiers to survive the mental exhaustion of being captured. ( Clue in there).

When I met him last year, it was through acquaintances and we started talking online. He was sooo very charming, so handsome...always professing happy, "positive" thoughts..he seemed..well, too good to be true. I dont think Ive ever been so attracted to a man in my life. He had a certain sexual and emotional appeal and ofcourse he was love bombing me off the bat. I will say..I generally have had healthy relationships..divorced once..but it wasnt unhealthy. Just life.

On the first date with "N" he was over the top charming, and looking back he mentioned wanting marriage and a forever soul mate that first night. By the second date, he said he was in love with me..and started to act jealous when we went out. He accused me of looking at someone and said if we got married, he would want me to stay in and at at home. I ignored these signs. He would get mad that I wasnt "lifting him up" enough as a man. He felt in every convo he was a disappointment. I adored this man and literally had no clue. He had a problem daily but I was afraid to confront any issue I had.

We dated for a month ( he lived 7 hours from me and I was driving back and forth any weekend I could when my daughter was at her dads). I never had my N to my house, because with a daughter..I dont bring her around men unless we are moving in or getting married..just my way.

Soon..he started to get jealous over every friend even female I had on facebook, accusing me of knowing a bunch of military men and very jealous. On valentines last year after buying me jewelry, flowers and making love probably a dozen times..he woke me up out of bed..kicked me out..and told me that the day before, I had mentioned my ex husband too many times and he felt I needed to go. I hadnt even showered. I was hysterical and shocked. I left, flowers in the car and drove the 7 hours home.

He blocked me from facebook..I called, pleaded to know what happened..he ignored me. A week later he called crying, hysterically that he was about to lose his government contract, needed me and was sorry he fucked up. I went back. ( why I dont know). He admitted the day he kicked me out, he drove two hours to the beach and slept with another woman in the beachhouse he said would be "ours." I knew he was off , but didnt imagine hed be at the bar picking up women at his age and with his big church image. He had a huge church image..used it as a crutch..phony as I learned later..he drinks when hes depressed and sleeps around.

Within a month we were back in the same hell. He called me hourly, he said I was hiding something by not having him meet my child..he was mad all the time. one night he called me to say he loved me more than he loved himself. The next morning he was angry and said I had not called before bed and I called too early for it to be bedtime..He ended it on the phone and he vanished. I begged, pleaded...He told me " good luck and god bless."

Finally for two months he was gone. Here and there he would text me that he was loving life, at the beach and "happy." I was crushed. he told me "happiness was on the inside." I actually dated someone once. My N found out by looking at my facebook and started contacting me crying, jealous and angry. He promised the moon. He cried for hours.when I called him back. He admitted he dated several women, but now all of a sudden was going to "kill himself," if I didn't go back. He promised he was looking for new jobs and wanted to take care of me and my daughter. WE spoke daily for weeks. I started to feel bad for him and trusted his apologies. I took him back.

He proposed a month later on the beach. I was excited. I brought um daughter to the beach ( said he was just a friend), and he was the epitome of greatness to her. Dolphin shows, gifts...but toward the end of the week he seemed tired and angry. He threw in my face all the money he spent.

After my daughter and I left..we argued while I drove home. He raged that he sacrificed all his time for me. he did everything for me and our " family." How dare me complain. I asked him if he was backing out again, and if so ..then tell me.. He said that was a threat, he wouldnt be threatened with abandonment when I knew hed been left by so many wives..He hung up. WAs gone.

Again, I was devastated. I begged..he ignored. I got messages that he was opening a business and happy. Here and there he would go on my public blog and comment about how great my articles looked. He used a username that had a personal connection. He started coming back around via email. His business never opened. I met him 3 months later and again, we were back together. He said that he was a provider and felt insecure, regardless of him having a lot of money in the bank and that it was easier to date around and be single. But now he was changed. WAnted me, insisted on marriage. He did not want to causally date..as I suggested we go slow. That was October.

He was depressed since losing his 140,000 a year contract still. And he was quick to say we would start a life and he had so many opportunities. He was happy and full of hope. He was passionate, begged, we had great times. Although I was angry..he seemed to be so introspective. ( I had no idea he had touted other soul mates in our 3 month split up) He posted me as his profile pictures..announce his love to the world. He wanted me to move in right away, start a family..get married.

Well..he got a contract, sold his beach place..moved two hours away...three weeks later they supposedly fired him. ( I have a feeling he left the survival school on bad terms and now could not get a job). It was in an area with two ex wives. He called me crying when it was official saying he wanted to quit life. He was going to drive from the south, back home to MAssachusetts and sort out his life. I told him to stay put and think about that first..but I am from New York..and had said I would like to move up north maybe.

I flew to MAss and spent a ton fo time with his family ( who he hadn't seen in 30 years). WE had the time of our lives together..in the snow..just enjoying life. But then he became unhappy. he missed his life at the beach. He started blaming me for leaving. We would go out and he would pull over and cry adn rage. Soon anything I said was a problem. Every phone cal he suspected was an issue. He insulted me. eh then would apologize.

He found a home in MAss. A beautiful home..and it was for me and my child to move into. He insisted we find a house full of furniture. IT was a dream place. He was angry at realtors and everyone else the whole time he closed..He raged at everyone.I told him to not buy it if he wasnt sure he wanted to stay. But he did.

I cooked for his family..brought my daughter up for a week..we made love in every room..he had my name on the house phone..our names carved in a wood sign. He wanted me to elope quick, not finish graduate school adn move right away. I knew better and wanted to wait until spring break.

Our last weekend together ( 2 weeks after buying the home), he complained I wanted to go to dinner, he cried why would I move to a man who hadnt started a business and only had retirement, he got angry and said I never shut up, told me I was too independent. It went back and forth. IT was a horrible weekend. We woke up, he offered to drive me to a restaurant I had seen..eh ate..then was miserable said he didnt want to go there..and was tired of life and having to please everyone. The last night I saw him, he drank and cried and cried. Then got nasty with me. I consoled him the whole night..promised to help him..promised we would maybe get him to a counselor. Promised ID do ANYTHING to help him. He has a lot of money in the bank, I encouraged starting a business etc. The day I flew home, He started a fight in starbucks because he thought someone looked at me. He dropped me off at the airport.

Got home..he started some argument..he said I was immature and again he had sacrificed all for me, but that every day he was miserable. He said there was no pressure being single. I said he thats what he wanted, to tell me and enjoy it. I was so hurt. I told him if he was trying to pull away..do so but it would be his choice. He told me he was "considering" whether I was worthy or not and didnt have to give me an answer yet. Here I was a month out from moving with my child during spring beak ( as he wanted). He had told the whole world in posts daily that our home and family would be together soon!

While I kept my plans to move hidden from my daughter, he was emailing her promises daily. I coudlnt imagine that now he was going to say he wasnt sure whether he wanted to stay accountable. I told him, that sounds like we are done then. I was hysterical. He sent me an email saying " good luck god bless, mail the ring..you ended it."

And gone. Poof. I knew it may be coming, but the humiliation is so much. All of the furniture we bought..the dreams. I spent weeks cleaning and hanging things on those walls. All for him to back out again. Even more aggravating is he blames me and told people OI left him? I did not and I didnt threaten to leaev him..he wanted out. Even in our last conversation..he kept saying ti was my choice.

Im just dumbfounded and hear hes moved on happily. How does a man who cries daily that he wants me in his life, and calls me hourly all of a sudden vanish. And find some poor excuse like I said something the wrong way? After all I forgave? I offered to try to talk and compromise..I explained that his raging and yelling scared me that he was pulling away he said too late, that I "said the word done".. bye.

I know I am better off. I now had to make sure I could find a new home to rent, as I planned on moving. HE had no concern. I assume he was miserable with his choice to move, blames me for his unhappiness. hes obviously a very depressed man and it would have been bad for my daughter..but Im hurt. Im really hurt:(

I sent hi one email explaining my devastation and my having to find a place since I thought we were moving. I went on and on. He replied hes "happy" and that was that. I closed my old email account and shut off my phone number. I know I cannot get his cold replies. I also know he is a miserable man and is not happy.

He will have a new soul mate , or wife #6 soon..but he will be miserable in a month. He is either bipolar or manic or NPD. Not sure. But it is not normal for a man to rage, and cry ..and be so insecure and then shut off. And leave with no remorse.
Hes had me almost move to 3 states! Ive wasted so much time.

I am better off than the other times. But I need support. And I am so appreciative of any input!