I've heard this before, now I see it for shore

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#1 Feb 27 - 9AM
BlairoRoberto
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I've heard this before, now I see it for shore

I was having a bit of a hard time last night again, hitting the books on a Physics lab and starting to hate life when my data wasn't adding up.

Thinking about ex-N and how she maneuvered me, treated me like crap under the guise of "loving" me. Thinking about how I'm slugging away in the trenches while her life is pleasantly uninterrupted with the exception of her "upgrade" to new guy who is already an engineer.

Just got out of bed and am seeing a few things more clear with a bit of sleep under my belt. Seeing how our relationship was completely doomed from the start, it never had any kind of a chance, and no matter what I did it was destined for an unpleasant end. Just too bad I never realized this.

Her "anxiety" as she called it is such an all consuming black hole of needs/wants that it will devour anything and everything in her path. This black hole can never be filled, never be satisfied, there is only more, more and more! Just like heroin or cocaine, the more you use, the more you need to use. You get used to the dose, and need to take even more to get high.

So the demands made on us the supply become progressively greater, until either we get fed up and walk, or we just can't give anymore (even though we want to because we're stuck there with our own head-problem) - and they have to throw us out and get a new supply (drug) as fast as possible before they start to detox and their world comes crashing down around them.

I believe they know full well what they do to people, how they use them, use them up and then move on. That's why they can't stand to be alone, because in their heart they know what a shitty selfish person they really are. When you are distracted with your drug supply, it's easy to ignore and be distracted from who you really are. New supply is fresh and ignorant, love-bombed into blissful oblivion, and dazzled by their new "perfect lover" that they never dreamed they would find. New supply tells the Narc how great they are, how beautiful, all the things the Narc wants to hear - this makes them feel good, and keeps the blackness at bay.

My ex used to say, "It's not sustainable", when I would complain about how I seemed to be making all the sacrifices for the relationship. This is true, and at that point I'm sure she was starting to get tired of me as my particular drug was starting to lose potency for her.

It's always unsustainable for them. Born to lose, because there is no end to the want and the need. Us, the supply are lambs to the slaughter, not knowing what game is actually afoot. We hang on to how great it was at the start, until we finally realize that our bones have been picked clean, and we find ourselves bleaching in the desert.

Thus the cycle: wash, rinse, repeat. Don't feel bad about how "happy" they are with their new man/woman. They are not happy, they will never be happy, they don't like themselves - how can you be happy if you don't like yourself? You'll never be happy if you can't stand your own company. It's a continuous process of covering up rotting meat with perfume. They need the supply to hide who they are from themselves. The fear of being alone, unable to escape who they really are pushes them to act the way they do.

Now, I'm trying my hardest to get some meat back on my bones. Talking it out, reading other peoples experiences, learning about these disorders. Knowledge powers the mind, which helps replenish the spirit. Eating right and getting exercise gives you the energy, and releases the negativity.

For me personally, the gym is my savior, lifting heavy things the best medicine. That and sitting in the hot tub and sauna - damn that just feels good! Gotta get some meat on them bones!

Mar 2 - 8PM
SourceNoMore
SourceNoMore's picture

Very well put.

Feb 27 - 5PM
aurora
aurora's picture

Great work

Feb 27 - 10AM
Used
Used's picture

BlairRoberto

Feb 27 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ding, Ding, Ding.. If you

Feb 27 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
pattylyn
pattylyn's picture

So Very True Hunter

Feb 27 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
spinning
spinning's picture

Ditto to Used and Hunter and

spinning

Feb 27 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
ididni
ididni's picture

oh so true.