I have come a long way. far to go but thought I'd share.( warning LONG)

For me, my troubles ran much deeper than just ridding myself of the Psychopath and trying to heal the pain of that, MUCH deeper than mY severe PTSD,MUCH deeper than my fibromyalgia, 5 years of chronic insomnia and other health issues and finding ways to get through the days, Much bigger than finding a job and perhaps a new relationship.
Much bigger than finding a reliable car.Even Bigger than the my exP's attempts on my life.

My being a victim of so many disordered people, my family and my ex of 20 years and being free of them was only the beginning of my needs to heal.

YES, the first most CRUCIAL step was to SEE their sickness and to KNOW without doubt that THEIR sickness/Issues were not repairable or fixable...AND TO LET THEM GO.

NC and a TRUTHFUL education was the ONLY way to see this and KNOW this. I TRIED the other ways.Oh how I tried for many years!So much failure and pain!

I FELT the guilt and pain of doing that,GOING NC. It HURT, VERY deeply and I FELT like a bad person and DOUBTED myself everyday.. but I FORCED my way through those hard days and OLD ways of thinking and feeling, KNOWING, trusting the uncomfortable and excruciating(like withdrawal from an addiction would feel) that my old thinking DID NOT GET ME where I felt safe and did NOT work. I PUT IN ALMOST 50 FIVE_O! FIFTY years of trying with my old beliefs and thinking and feeling. IT was NOT working! WAKE UP call!!I asked myself "how has that been working for you" ugghh and the answer was a blow..humbling.

I had not only trusted sick people all of my life but It had never occurred to me that I also trusted myself and then it hit me.....STOP the presses!! THESE people influenced my thinking and beliefs and THEY were SICK and they LIED to me.SOME of them lied Intentionally and others unaware of their OWN flawed beliefs and thinking and selfishness(it does NOT matter WHY they did it) It matters that IT influenced me to my own detriment.

SO, with sick influence... I had to look at ME, and HOW much of their sick ways of thinking, did I TAKE ON? Thanks GOLDIE for the effort you put into opening my eyes, especially in group..and of course each Mod and janie AND the veteran members here who also gave and gave and it ALL helped me wake up little by little.

Back to the disordered and my shift in thinking.
WELL, it seems that they had a great deal of influence on me that I never questioned.

I made choices based on untruthful or bad information for much of my life. THIS is how I can find forgiveness for myself, knowing that I never intended to do harm to myself or others. I was unaware of the directed influence of the disordered in my life. I can now see that I made many choices by compliance and by rebellion. I actually became ME by these same influences. NOT A good thing to know at first but later.. invaluable!
One example:
I learned to soften the truth about sickness and bad people and so I did it on my own without even thinking about it.Old message/influence was that there was something bad or wrong about me IF I thought someone else was bad.)parent, siblings, ex etc)I did not want to FEEL like a bad person so It's what I did.i changed my thinking A LONG time ago. THIS helped me survive a challenging childhood and marriage but no longer served me well in my adulthood. In fact IT was harming me. I was harming ME. THEY were in a way, STILL in control of my life even when I went NC.

If there was ONE flawed belief identified, I Knew that there was likely MORE of them that I carried around unconsciously. I learned to LOOK for them.

I have since thought of gong back to LOOK at more of the bad influence and also to look at my own weaknesses and needs and where they originated from to decide NOW for myself, based on truthful guiding and corrections, what to keep and what to throw out. It has been making room for becoming who I was meant to be.

I hated this journey,this path for so long and hated the injustice of it all during the painful times and I won't lie.. I holed up and avoided IT for a long time. Once I stopped avoiding it and let all of it in, WITH NC in place, a shift began in me. When I got through that it OPENED a door to seeing ME.
ALSO painful, very painful! As I keep going and am not afraid to look and make changes, the pain and insight brings a new LIGHT into me and my past. IT also brings hope on the other side of this pain .
OH THE things they taught me!.. basically, how to harm myself without knowing it. SLICK HUH? OH BOY , the mixed emotions that came up!! YOu can imagine. I felt a bit bi-polar at times with the ups and downs that each enlightening brought... but now the anger towards them is dissipating and healing and new hope for me is taking it's place.

I CAN Learn something new. BUT when I was in contact, under fire all the time, NOTHING but my defenses were functioning properly and ALL of my growth was stunted because all of my energy was being WASTED on THEM or defending FROM THEM. I had issues and some flawed thinking that needed addressing but it was never SAFE to stop and take a look and make changes. IT is safe now. I MADE it SAFE!

I now CAN find and listen to TRUTHS that I never knew about and that means my life IS changeable. I can accept NEW things and IF I CHOOSE to change the way I think, I can DO just that and I DON't need THEM to support it! THEY no longer GET A SAY. THEY are disordered. I am going back to take a CLOSER look at the previous influence they had on me and seeing how I adapted my own thinking under that sick/selfish influence and I'm TOSSING IT out..Clearing the way FOR THE TRUTH. NO Matter HOW LONG I have trusted it and acted on on it and no matter HOW COMFORTable it became for me to think, believe, act or choose. IT"S outta here! PITCHED out! I've learned to accept pain and discomfort as part of growing and learning They do not have the hope that I do.They are disordered. I can make changes.

Before I could do this..
I had to let my defenses down that had been UP high and tough (for good reason back then)My defenses, the illusions etc served me well back then... but I no longer need them. I HAVE made A safe place for myself to grow now. It's just me, VERY few trusted people(tested first),myself and my GOD and I have nothing to fear but a bit of pain that will lead me to better things. I trade in the OTHER pain for the one that will HELP ME.

I am stronger now. I can do this. I am NOT afraid.

If you want to know how to get here... ask and ask and ask.BUT do not LOOK for help or guidance or validation or direction from the disordered anymore. It's a death trap!! GET a good therapist,Go to yourself,focus on the steps and then focus on YOU,deep within, TALK to GOLDIE..READ, trust and try. NEVER give up on yourself and ALWAYS test those who are advising or influencing you. Be careful who you let in.Especially while you are growing and healing.EXPECT a rollercoaster of discomfort and lots of time and try to trust those who have made it to the other side.

I am feeling HOPE and peace for the first time in SO many years.My joy is returning, My passions are coming back. I had suffered from nearly unbearable fibromyalgia and chronic insomnia and chronic anxiety.I was physically and mentally deteriorating and hopeless when I first came here. NOW, I am drug free and feeling SO much better, much more peaceful and content I am sleeping without aids and I have to say that the feeling of peaceful is one of the best feelings ever. I want more of that!

Yes, I am still a magnet( my empathetic and giving nature paired with my weaknesses and voids) for the sick and I still invite the really good fakes in on occasion but I spot them a LOT sooner now and walk away..or simply stop supplying what they came for. I am grateful that they show up now and then.It helps me learn from success and error. It also shows me where I need to make changes in ME. THE BONUS of the disordered. YEP, I just typed that!Bummer for them, Good for ME!

Grateful for the NEW path I chose this time and also for all of the various guides along the way. I am going to keep going to see where it leads.

THE truth WILL set you free. It's up to you to look for it.
Truth