Feeling Numb and He Hoovered Me Through my Work Number!

Lately I feel numb..I've accepted who he REALLY is unmasked and how fucking pathetic he is. He is GONE and I don't want him to ever come back. I sit here and while I am alone, I ask myself how I did I end up here? I'm in a condo that he used to live in with my landlord and how did I go from 14 years of marriage and mostly an unhappy one, to a loser and now being on my own?It all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye.

Don't get me wrong.. There are days I pinch myself for getting out of that marriage but then the aftermath of this bullshit with the exN is when I ask myself wtf did I do and how did I get involved with someone like that? I no longer blame myself but it's like I'm having an out of body experience or someone with amnesia and feel like I don't know who I am and am REALLY starting over now. It's not a bad feeling. I welcome it completely but it's a weird feeling.

I'm past the angry phase, the "I miss him" phase and the I feel shitty about myself phase and blaming myself phase as I now know that wasn't really him and that person never existed. It also wasn't my fault for him being disordered. Now it is about me. I question if I will ever be able to trust a man again. I've slept for days on end..mostly 18 hours having to cancel all my appts for the week because I just feel drained. I don't miss him, I can't even say I hate him because I don't feel anything for him. He is an A-1 fucking loser and I feel like I can say this without emotion like a robot.

I got so sick of thinking about him, him, him!! Now I feel like I need to concentrate on myself. I had one of those moments a few days ago where I drove out to a deserted area and screamed my lungs out. I just wanted to kick some ass and telling myself this isn't going to get me down and I'm ready to be me again..only a better version. I feel as though I'm just so done it's not even funny. It's weird because i have my good days and started making lists of things I've wanted to do and never had the chance. It's as though my mind wants to do all these things and the fatique is holding me back.

There could be a reason for this although this time it's different in terms of emotions. He hoovered me the other day after I blocked all points of communication and the only one I couldn't block was my work number that is online. I have my own business and since I changed my personal number and blocked his emails, the only way he could get to me was by googling my name. I am not on facebook personally and only for my business.

I had a feeling it was going to happen..he called me up and he was drunk. I played it cool, acting indifferent. He acted as though nothing ever happened and how he just disappeared on me weeks before. I wasn't feeling that giddy high of being hoovered. Now it was just annoying.

The call lasted about 5 or 6 mins..It was a total pity party..how he's been drunk everyday since 6 am, how miserable he is and how the sins of his youth are catching up to him. He's done prison time and he can't run from this. He claims that if he changes his name, he will become a different person and maybe he and I could hook up then. lMFAO!!!!! i reminded him a fake name change won't change his attitude, how he feels about himself, etc, etc.

He goes on to say that i should go find someone else to make me happy because he is no good for me ( well he got that right!) and that he is broken. Wah! No pity from me. I told him i'm no longer in love with him and I fell in love with someone who never existed. That the side I fell in love with was a fake. Then..get this! He said "Well you drove that person away! I miss that guy too. The one who had hopes and dreams. You made me feel like we were having an affair than being a couple." Insert here..It's all your fault!! Which is basically what he was saying. He then said I'm a narc, pick him apart bu that deep down i'm really talking about myself. LOL! Projection, much? lol. Told him that was narc speak for blaming other people.

Then says everything he does he fucks up ( more pity) and that he gives up and that nothing will ever compare to me.Says I'm the last woman in his life. This dude has no game and he's so fucking miserable that i actually believe he can't pick up another woman if his life depended on it.

Asked him where he was when I needed him and that he never had my back. He then said I pushed him away ( bullshit!) and always ran to my ex husband and never gave him a chance. This is when I had an ulcer and throwing up blood and that he told me he's busy working and that I'm a liar!

Staying calm, I said he has issues way beyond me and that I can't be with a sociopath who attempts to destruct and damage people's lives. Oh yes, I called him a sociopath and that I'm a victim of one that this wasn't a relationship. It was a relationSHIT! He was actually diagnosed with ASPD but those narc symptoms are all there. I said he was selfish and didn't have feelings and that I didn't even think he was human. Told him he took what he wanted and always blamed others for his major problems and baggage in his life. I said I got over the fake peron and they're never coming back. I said I wish he was a different person but there's no cure for what he's going through. I said I tried in the end to help you and love you but even that didn't work.

So in true narc fashion in running away from confronting his emotions, he said he's drunk and going to snowmobile on the lake. Don't him not to fall him. Actually I wish he would! lol. Teach him a lesson. Then he said he's going to miserable again tomorrow and the next day and the next day. He said Good luck and have a good life.

In a fucked up way, I got my own closure and I don't regret that I didn't get off the phone sooner. This time around, I can see him clearly for who he is and that the only closure I can get is from myself. Everything I ever wanted to say to him, I said it and it felt good! And I did it coming from a place where I knew I no longer wanted to be with him or have anything to do with him.

This phonecall didn't set me back..maybe except for the fatique part realizing that I was running on adrenaline with him for so long and now it's finally done. That longing for him is no longer there as in previous attempts to break it off with him or waiting for a crumb or hoping he would change. I began to distance myself from him emotionally around Xmas time when I finally had to realize it would never work with him. I began to get out of denial slowly but surely.

Yes, he hoovered me and got me but I can't live my life hiding from him and I sure as hell not going to change my work number because of him but if he tries again, there is nothing left to say or do but hang up. The guy is so miserable I doubt he will try to contact me again. i've called him out on his true colors and narcs don't like that. They run! I don't think he is going to have a long life. Why the hell did I ever want that?

I AM DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!