My story Hope and Pray

My story starts back in late 2007 when me and my now ex-husband meet R. I was back then what I believed to be a contented married wife having just gone through the difficult birth of my son at 24 weeks which rocked the world and that of his dad. We experienced severe trauma from the experience because we were alone in UK without our family whilst it was taking place. I was successful career woman and we were on an expat assignment. We were coming out of the other side when we meet R, we hired him to provide financial advice to us and to help us plan the financial future of our son. He seemed a very successful and wonderful man ever so keen to look after us. I always led on matters of business when it came to our family. My ex was an artist and preferred that I dealt with those matters. Hence it was no wonder when my then husband asked me for a divorce in April of 2009 that I turned to R to help us sort out the financial matters. My ex - husband told me we was unhappy and he did not wish to continue being married to me. It seemed at that time he was emotional affair with another lady (who today is now friends with me). You see we had a complicated situation which meant that I had to continue to be married until the end of that year so that I could look after our son and our family.
R was more than willing to look after us but moreso me. By this time we were good friends (nothing more). I shared with him all the pain and hurt that I was going through and he offered to look after me. I also should mention he was also married with a wife and three kids. So I thought we had empathy for each other both as family people. In of August of that year we had a lot email communication ( I even went back today to look at it to see where I went wrong and if it was all in my head). He was helping us with our financial affairs and we communicated with each other a lot. He told me he felt sorry for me and that I needed to live again – that I was smart, strong and beautiful. And that I should not let my ex keep me down. Life was for living. He offered to take me out to a night out and meet new people. It all seemed pretty ok with me – I saw no harm at all. I thought it seemed perfectly ok. And then he invited me out on this weekend. He booked the hotel for me to stay at and told me we would go for a night out with him and his friends. He was quite used to entertaining friends and so it did not ring any alarm bells when his wife was not coming to this night out.
I went down to the coast to meet up with him and friends. It was him, two guys and his HR manager (girl). I thought it seemed perfectly reasonable. So as the night progressed and at dinner, he was sitting next to me. I felt this hand on my legs. I thought that was weird. But then he touched me again. I thought to myself oh… with lots of wine by then in my system. He and I started to flirt with each other as the night progressed. His HR manager by the way had warned me to stay away from him and that he was happily married (I learnt several years later she was his lover and that she knew what he was like, and she knew he wanted me). He wanted to stay with me that night in the hotel but she took him home in a taxi. I am not sure where he went to now that I think about it. However the next morning whilst I was still had the hotel we had texted each other. He had agreed to come see me… and so he did… I slept with him. The first time in 10 years I slept with another man other than my ex. It felt wonderful… he was a great lover.
But after I had done it I was horrified at what I had caused realising I had made a huge mistake. The next day I texted him and apologised and asked if we could still have a friendship and professional relationship or if it was too late. I did not want to ruin a family.. I was ashamed at myself. He told me that I was overanalysing stuff and that he would always be my friend and to not worry about things.

He told me nothing had changed in our friendship and that he will look after me. I explained to him where I was in my head and how vulnerable I felt and that I did not want to be in a situation to cause upset for others. I was lonely, missing my family and going through this tough time. I did not want to lose his friendship which I had become used to by now. He invited me out again for a day out only to end up in bed again. I tried to pull myself out of this.. I joined a dating agency to meet new people. Anything to break this urge to be with him which I knew was devastating. I was weak, he invited me out a few times each time taking me to the most amazing hotels and restaurants. He told me how much he missed me and needed me. At Christmas he even gave me a diamond necklace.
I was convinced in my head it was not going to go any further and I was convinced in my head I would not cause the break of his family. He told me how his wife did not understand him and that he found for the first time someone he could trust so completely like he did with me. The next year he gave me directorships in his businesses and told me he wanted to see his children grow up and hence won’t go for a divorce but he did not want to lose me. He told me I was like a wife to him and to please don’t feel any less. He was building a future for me as well. By now I was hooked on him like a drug. And then in 2009 he started to tell me about his cash flow issues and that he needed to borrow some funds to build up his businesses and sort out family. He knew all about financial situation. I earned a very good living and had a lump sum investment. That year I lent him £80k+.
Things still seemed to be going good between us. I seemed to mean the world to him. We even started to go on holidays which I funded. I did not think much about it. I even bought his wife a car when he said she needed one. I have no clue what was wrong with me. I felt badly at being someone he was having an affair with so I felt obligated to look after his family to feel less bad about myself. He told me how much he loved me. All this time I was now lending him loads more monies. I bought him and his family expensive gifts. And I paid for loads of holidays for us.

But in the back of my mind I wanted to break free I could not live like this. I joined up another agency to meet someone new to break out. But he did not want me to break out he said he did not want to prevent me from being happy but he hoped he would never lose me. He explained again to me why he was married it was for the kids. He said he would have me as his wife if he could but did not want to lose his kids. He said I was his soulmate. He went mental when one day I went out with another man to dinner during my attempt to breakfree. Six months later he gave me a wedding band. By this time I could not cope no more that I asked him to come clean to his wife or please let me go.
He said he could not afford to lose me. So he told his wife – or this is what he told me. After he told her he told me she was ok that they were agreeing to find a way so that he could still have me in his life. I think he was saying she was going to agree to a polygamous relationship. But then that was far from the truth… By this time I should have mentioned he had told me how unhappy he was and that he had several affairs during his marriage. And that when he meet me his soulmate he wanted to be with me. All this I know now was the web that keep me entangled with him.

He told me he told her the whole truth but the reality is he had not. She was on the phone one week after it happened when I was trying to speak to him and it was then she learnt all the truth. She was in shock and I did not really understand why until now. Several things happened during the next months and he said he just could not live without me. He did not leave me. He wanted to be with me and agreed to move out. But since he lived on the coast he wanted to move to a rented accommodation. I helped pay and get it all sorted for him. He said this would be the start of our new life. He even told me his kids will come around and at least two of the three will accept me no worries. But he told me he was grieving and missing his kids who no longer lived with him. So he visited his ex-wife regularly. I know now he was still trying to mend his broken marriage and was giving her a very different story of me.
He gave very conflicting messages he told me he did not want me to go and by now he was also treating me like I destroyed his life. He would love me and then he would seem to hate me. But each time I tried to go he did not want that to happen. He told me gave up everything most precious in the world to him to be with me. He told me I was insecure and ruining us and that he was just getting over his not having his kids. For the last years I have been on this rollercoaster. But I loved him so much … and he did not want to lose that love. But by this time and £150,000 later that was lent to him and him having moved in… He was making another plan. He had become bankrupt and he knew I had little money now having given him all my savings and earnings. He was having an affair with another woman… I had begged him several times to leave me if he no longer wanted me. I had been in therapy by this time for a year working out why I had an affair with him in the first place and was regretful. I even wrote his ex wife apologising for my sins. But he did not want to leave me he knew I would do anything for him. And then he started to stay away telling me all kind of lies. I researched for months to find out the truth. And even when I finally found evidence of him with the other woman. He told me he was sorry and wanted to work things out with me. He said he was in therapy and she was just an escape and he did not want to fall out with me. I gave him another chance but all this time he was planning a trip to go to spend Christmas with her. So when it came to Christmas eve and he told me he was going to family only to realise that weekend before he had packed a big bag and went off. He was planning an escape. I told him i could not do it anymore and wanted him to move out. That’s when it changed. When I told her about us – he had told her he was single. He changed on me like 180 degrees and abused me and threatened me. He had no empathy for what he had done. He told me I forced myself on him and that he was in love with this lady… And I asked him why he just did not break it off with me. I told him we had both suffered having got together by having an affair and we were remorseful. Why would he want to do that again when he told me he wanted to be a different person and learn from the errors of his ways.

I feel traumatised I don’t know what hit me I trusted him and loved him lent him all my money. He even spend money that I gave him in the early days to invest for me. I feel like on the floor. All kinds of things about him are coming out of the woodwork. He is under investigation by the police. It seems he has committed fraud with others. He was charming and lovely and he roped me in ..I was a weak stupid fool I know… He tells me he never forced me to do anything and now tells me I have malice and forethought because I told this woman he is in love with about me. It is like I don’t exist. The day before he knew he was planning an escape he had sex with me he told me on the day he would be home later don’t forget firewood. He knew I would struggle with abandonment. My dad never gave me his love and he knew I was a victim of childabuse. I hesitate to say he was the first person I told all this to. He used to tell me he would never hurt me and he loved and adored me. That I was a good woman and he knew I was sorry how we got together and now he tells me it was all my fault I forced him to sleep with me because I relentlessly texted him…. Its been six weeks since I had to courage to ask him to leave. I wonder if I am being a deranged ex-lover because he has a new woman. But my therapist has directed me to reading around narcissistic abuse. I have read several of the stories and I feel like it is my own… I am traumisited and the pain feels unbearable. And I have to work and be a good mum to my son. I feel like I have wasted years of my precious life and he took so much from me. How did I end up here…