Epiphany's Story

My story began a long time ago although I did not fully realise it until today. I have danced this dance with the N again and again because this is all I know....My father is a N and my mother was an enabler and codependent,there is a lot of alcohol dependence in there and I married a N just for good measure! I divorced him 9 years ago and thankfully my children are grown and thriving.

I had no tools then to do the work on me - I just closed down and just worked and got on with my life without a man.

The N popped into my world about a year ago in the workplace. I knew he was around but was not on his radar for a few months, he worked at other places and sometimes in my area. There was something about him, possibly an arrogance and a 'notice me' complex that first came to my attention. I am in a well placed position at work and was his senior and the work is stressful and busy so there is not really much time for chatting.

One day he asked me for a reference for a job at another agency, he was polite, softly spoken and articulate whilst he explained that he was only doing this job until he was able to use his qualifications (degree level). I asked around and no one had any complaints about his work, in fact he was highly spoken of as being conscientious and flexible. I wrote the reference.

Gradually there was a little more chat, more eye contact, the odd glance and profuse gratefulness. N was good at his job and was helpful to me, a little overboard looking back but I thought it was just friendly as I was older than him and quite a few of the guys try it on with banter but know they will get nowhere with me.

I confided in a friend that the N was being a bit too fond and he said they are all like that and we laughed and N would disappear for a week or so then be back. Things started to get really busy at work over the summer and N asked me out for a drink one night. I was taken off guard as it was in the workplace and I mumbled something about not mixing business and pleasure.

Then came the texts - I never responded. Just asking how my day was, extra caring, please make sure I had time to eat and drink. That sort of thing. I was now firmly on the radar and even red flags like gossip that he was flirting with other women did not really register.

I agreed to meet him, we were due to meet after work and go for a drink at a bar. The bar was closed so we ended up at his place (yes I know, big red flag) as I was driving I only had a sip of wine but it was clear he wanted to let me know how wonderful I was, how generous and marvellous I was and how much he was attracted to me.

Long story short we began the dance, all had to be secret as no one could know, due to his other women I was to find out later although they were 'just good friends' and that IS THE TRUTH he would say. Not long into the 'series of unfortunate events' I cannot call it a relationship, the reason he had targeted me was for the things he did not have - money, power, control and I am ashamed to say I gave them to him on a platter. There was always a need for money, a need for the pretence that I was later to learn it was, all for show.

Initially the sex was good and he was well skilled in the ways of the female body. I recognise 'the stare' that other posters have mentioned. The scene was always set, candles, music, clean sheets and attentiveness. This wore off in time and sex became almost a chore it seemed and then he withdrew affection and kisses for no good reason. He did not ask for anything odd but by this time I felt unattractive and obviously was to him.

The texts continued and he would say things like 'just checking in on you' what? around this time, maybe three months in I was getting frustrated and crazy, what was going on? Times between us seeing each other got longer and nothing was progressing. I felt like I was invisible and 'in a box'. Any time I called him on it he said things like 'it's all good' 'why are you being like this?' I was confused but then that was the plan right?

Just before my birthday he said he had to go on a trip for a couple of weeks, just one of those things and what did I want? As he would be away I said a call and a card. Neither came. He called me the whole time he was away and at least three times the day before. On the day nothing zero no call. I knew then that this was not right but I had been here before, I knew I was being punished but not the reason.

The same thing happened at Christmas, built it all up, even got me to choose a piece of jewellery on the internet and when I had asked him to spend Christmas eve with me and prepared a meal and presents and tried to make everything pleasant, he turned up late, had been drinking and guess what. No presents.

I am nearing the end of the story as my name suggests - the epiphany came on the 6th January although there are many other embarrassing incidents to recall but just now I am exhausted and spent. Because I know that this dance is not over yet, I have been NC this time since Tuesday when I told him via text after his latest ridiculous behaviour that I am done, respect my wishes and leave me alone.

N does not respect my wishes even though he protests all the time that he would never disrespect me (BS) He has no boundaries and would not know one if it hit him in the face. The reason I know this is not done is that I will still come across him at work and there he will be able to do me damage. N is a dangerous man I feel this, the anger is just under the surface but I know it is there all the same.

He tried to hoover me from church this morning to tell me he was trying to respect my wishes but it was hard and how was I doing? To have a good week. I will not respond and wish he would fall off the planet.

I am so glad I found this site because this time I know I will do the work and heal. I am too broken right now but I need to find some strength otherwise I will be consumed.

Thank you for being here

Epi x