My Story Lala2727

Well apparently I am one of those members who comes and goes as I need to. I apologize for that. I thought I was just fine and dandy. School has started back up and I have been beyond busy. I realized I have been staying busy to avoid unwanted feelings.

I need to share something with this community. My exN and I broke up October of last year.I finally realized what he was. I knew he would never change. well I broke it off but then I also tried to win him back by telling him I would love him anyway if he just admitted something wasn't right. blah blah blah. I am sure many of you know where I am coming from.

one thing about my exN...I always felt very protected by him. when we met, we both lived in sketchy houses right down the road from each other. one time I was walking my dogs and had some teenagers say some very inappropriate and disturbing things for me. I told exN and he was right there by my side within 2 minutes. it was the first time in my life I felt protected by anyone.

well the unfortunate part was I never knew when that anger would be directed at me. he never physically abused me but I believe 100% it was heading there. I later found out he physically abused his exgf before me.

this weekend a gang broke into my house. I am somewhat new to this area...well kind of. ive been here for over 2 years but as soon as I moved here I met now exN and became friends with all his friends. I didn't realize how unhealthy it would be at the time to not make my own friends.

we broke up in October. he had his house on the market and his was in a slightly better area than mine. hes not down the road anymore. which is good. BUT. when my house was broken into I had no one to call. literally. im sure that sounds like an excuse. maybe it is. I called him. no answer. nothing. I texted him and told him someone broke in. he doesn't respond. he doesn't care. this baffles me. but then again it doesn't. when we broke up I called him on his shit. so he has discarded me for good. I know in the long run that's great. it is just so hard for me to rap my head around someone completely lacking empathy and not giving a shit about the safety of the "woman they wanted to marry, had been waiting for all their life" blah blah bullshit.

I should see it as a blessing in disguise that he didn't respond. I have struggled with rejection my whole life (daddy issues-you know, typical stuff) but I should be thankful he didn't answer. and I will realize that. eventually. I will get there.

I just needed to get this off my chest in an atmosphere where people understand.

I would like to copy and paste a section from a "journal" that I type in when I am this frustrated. please excuse the vulgar language....

"I just don’t fucking get it. C came back. he realized he was wrong. I wasn’t perfect with him either but he did realize what I was asking for wasn’t unrealistic or unordinary. He was a good man and I turned him down for what I thought was prince psychotic charming. I met the goddamn asshole and treated him way better than I ever treated C. And somehow 4 months after we break up im sending desperate texts and voicemails apologizing EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T DO ANYTHIGN WRONG. Wtf is fucking wrong with me. holy shit. I wish someone would slap me. the break in felt like someone slapped me and woke me up. So it pushed me back towards a piece of shit-in-denial exboyfriend’??????? I guess it makes sense. I felt protected by him. he was rather intimidating when he was mad. I just never knew when that intimidation would be directed towards me. The time those dumbasses said what they said to me….i had never felt so protected. I have never had that before. But then again….that anger and intensity was directed towards me with the flip of a switch. Im not perfect and im sure I probably unintentionally antagonized a few situations. Anything I made worse was out of literal helplessness. I felt crazy because he was the most goddam fucking crazy psychotic manipulative psychopath I had ever met. Why cant I feel proud of myself for getting out????? why am I doing this to myself???????
That is it. That is why I am reaching out to a psychopath. I swear I wish I could find his exes and hear what they had to say about him. I need validation. But I need to learn to trust my intuition. I KNOW I don’t need anyone telling me hes crazy and im not. I know he is severely disturbed."

I appreciate anyone who takes time to read this erratic post.