I feel as if I'm back at square one..

I`m struggling way too hard today. Every other day I'm just ok and have spoke positive on those days, but in between those days something happens to upset me and I find myself asking, "How did I get here?". I find myself bombarded by memories of every mistake I made accepting the exN into my life. It becomes overwhelming and then I just sit in a daze fighting tears. I called in sick today from work because my mind is sick. I can't move, I can't think straight. I feel quite beat up, hopeless and spinning out of control. Whenever I think I'm making progress, my mental takes me back, not two, but ten steps backwards. I'm struggling living day to day with the facts of starting my life over after lighting a match to the once comfortable life I had before I let the exN smooth me over with empty promises and an empty bank account. I've still managed the 3 1/2 months of no contact, but my nightmares remain. Can't sleep properly and just can't balance anything. It's obvious to me by writing this out that I need help. I talk of therapy, but really have no money to attend. Every dime, every penny has to be watched closely so that I can pay the rent. One day I think I'm on the road to recovery, the next day I'm a wreck. The exN calculated and manipulated every move, but I wanted love too bad that took away my better judgement. All the supporting phrases and words of "I'm better off without him", fade away with my strengths and self esteem. Maybe writing this out may help to a point today, but the anxiety still feels stuck in my chest. I started to drink to stop the rambling in my head, but even that got too expensive, so I had to stop that. Trying to find my way back to sanity.