My Story JustSayNoContact

I finally realized I am in a situation that I'm not sure I can handle alone. I hope that being a part of this forum makes a difference this go around.

Its funny, a few years ago I could have joined this forum to tell you about a different man, who I almost married, before I found out he was cheating on me with multiple women. But actually the guy I am hung up on now is someone I met almost a year later -- now nearly four years ago. We only dated for a short time and immediately I thought he might be a N. He's charming, and handsome, pretty degrading in the bedroom, and subtly insulting all the time. He's in his late 30s and has never had a relationship longer than 6 mos. Only child of rich parents. Very, very confident in the way that women call charisma, and pretty shallow.

I think I got involved with him as a way to exercise control over a situation that resembled a relationship with my ex -- a do-over where I would be the strong one and not get hurt. But it didn't happen like that, of course.

I saw this guy on and off for a few years. Really, for most of the last few years, we'd just take trips together, which I guess is kind of odd. Something bad would always happen -- he wouldn't pay me for the hotel, or I'd find out he'd been dating someone else during our last trip. And I never felt pretty enough, or interesting enough, or funny. Sometimes I think maybe it was just a bad fit. But then I think about the time he told me while drunk, "you know honey, we're both VERY good looking." Or how his only ambitions are completely unrealistic. Or how he's "pretty sure" he can beat a lie detector test. Or how he cheated on every girlfriend he had until 30, and how it seems like the most recent ex-girlfriends dislike him, too, for some unknown reason.

The most hurtful thing was always that -- after a week of sex and hanging out -- he just literally would not speak to me. Maybe that's normal enough for a relationship that wasn't a relationship, but there were times when he knew this was hurting me and just ...let me suffer.

I'm to this day not sure if he ever wanted or wants to hear from me.

When I finally moved to the same city as him, things started as casual sex. More or less he would drop by late at night and I wouldn't hear from him all week. This is something I'm sometimes okay with, depending on my level of interest in the other person. But for me it didn't work to be so detached from someone I would happily spend weeks alone on islands with. I told him so and it ended -- he told me he'd never felt anything for me and never expected to. I told him that's fine; got a therapist; and started to move on.

I will admit that I am usually the one contacting him. Three months later he responded to an email I sent regarding a work-related conference, asking -- is it a date? Long story short, we dated for a few months, during which he often wanted to talk about moving in together, having children, told his parents about me, told me he loved me. I balked at most of this because I was pretty sure this is the same treatment all the girls get. I said if we lasted through the new year, we'd be exclusive.

He convinced me, after much pushing, to buy tickets for a big trip in Nov and another in Dec., and to invite my friends. Pretty much as soon as I relented, he dumped me. I made him talk about it with me and he had really nothing to say about why, to a degree that I found scary. (We never had a fight, although the sex was pretty bad, if you were looking for an excuse).

I guess what I worry about is, throughout all of this, I suspected him of being an N, and so didn't really give him a chance to hook me the way that he maybe would have someone else who is less guarded. And now its a little hard to say if he's a bad guy, or I am just a loser who pushed for a relationship with someone that, weirdly, I also didn't trust.

The problem now is that even though I don't want to be with him, and I don't trust him, I still have that nagging feeling. I want to hear from him, and impress him. He was exciting to be around, and I miss that feeling. I've dated a good number of guys in the time that I've known the N, and none of them made this craving go away. But I'm sick of not knowing where I stand, never feeling sure I'll hear from him, and generally chasing after a jerk. I truly want something better than this.