My Story AngiereeRN

It has taken me a long time to gather the courage to tell you all my story. I read Lisa's book a long time ago and found this forum. I lurked around reading all your stories and, in them, I found comfort and solidarity. I know part of healing is telling my story and it's only fair to share my experience so maybe I can help others. Helping others is part of who I am and why I became a nurse. I also know those characteristics made me a prime target for a the narcissist I fell in love with. So, here it is, my story.

I met my ex in high school and we, or so I thought, fell in love. I grew up in a traumatic home where my father was very physically abusive to my mother. His verbal and emotional abuse was distributed evenly between both my mother and I. I didn't know what it was like to feel loved. Hugs, kisses, praise, acceptance, and kindness was foreign to me and, before I met my ex, I didn't know I needed it. He gave me all those things, he said he loved me, he held me, hugged me, and missed me when I was gone. When I turned 18, he asked me to marry him. By this time he was in the Army and I stayed home to attend college. This first incidence of cheating and lying occurred when he was on leave from Korea. He was home for a month and I was thrilled. We spent just about the entire time together except for a few times he hung out with friends. I began to feel that something wasn't quite right but I ignored it because I wanted to enjoy every minute we had together. My intuition won over as he was on a plane returning to Korea. I spoke with his cousin, who felt bad and told me the truth. My love had been seeing his ex girlfriend every time he said he was "with the boys". I was devastated and, when I confronted him, he told the truth and begged my forgiveness. I quickly forgave him because I just couldn't bare to loose the love I thought I had.

Six months later, he was stationed in NC only 3 hours away. This meant he could come home every weekend. During this time, I caught him in more and more lies but he would deny, deny and I turned a blind eye. Some Saturday's he'd go missing and wouldn't answer his phone all night. It was easier for me to pretend nothing was wrong. For years, I heard rumors of other women but I chose to assume they were lies born out of jealousy. Who wouldn't be jealous of me and my man who was so perfect and good to me, I thought.

After his enlistment was over, he moved back home and we moved in together. The problems started almost immediately. He had suddenly started to criticize me for everything. I could do nothing right. If the apartment wasn't spotless, I was lazy. If I complained because his friends were sprawled everywhere when I came home from work or school, I was too demanding and a nag. If I didn't initiate sex first, I was selfish. Why did I wear my hair the way I did? Why did I wear those jeans? Did I really think they were cute? I believed all those things because, how could he be wrong? I tried harder to please him, to be better, but it only got worse.He was demanding and domineering. He worked third shift so he took naps, in the evening before work. He made me lie down with him, it didn't matter to him if I was up all night because I couldn't sleep. He insisted I had to lie next to him. I was afraid to cook because I knew he'd be critical. He told me I was just a spoiled brat who never had to take care of herself. He had been gone one weekend for training and, that same weekend, I had to take an important practical test for my nursing class. I had been very focused on preparing and didn't do as much as far as cleaning. Once again, I was berated. I sat and listened as he told me how lazy I was and how dare I not have things in order when he came home from his grueling training. Any explanation was just an excuse. During this time I also saw his callous lack of empathy. My friend, who was troubled and homeless at the time, had become very ill with Pneumonia. She had no where to go and so I let her stay with us for a few days, until she felt better. My ex was furious and demanded that I make her leave immediately. I tried explaining how sick she was and that it only for a few days, but he was adamant, she had to go.

In addition to all of this, the deception got worse.He signed up for the National Guard to remain in the miliatary on a part time basis. He claimed he had to go back to NC for training and I knew this was BS because the National Guard is a state organization and we were not in NC. The morning he was set to go, I confronted him. Rather than telling the truth he yelled at me for being insecure. I stood there in tears, apologizing and I was surprised by the smug look of satisfaction on his face. He turned and walked out the door, no hug, no kiss, not even goodbye. I knew something was wrong to I started digging. I will never forget opening his briefcase, his 5 year old cousin sitting beside me (she had just come to see me) and finding a professional portrait of him and another girl. I finally learned that he had been seeing another women in NC for almost a year. He claimed he didn't know what he wanted and we needed to break up.He also lied and said that a guy had told him that I was no good anyway. I believed it, at the time. I begged him not to leave me, to no avail.My tears made him angry. I moved back with my mother and tried to move on. We stayed in contact, mostly me contacting him and,after a few months, I started feeling better. As you can probably guess, he showed up on my doorstep one day wanting me back. I said yes and the honeymoon phase commenced.

At the time I did not know what he was or that there was something wrong with HIM. I assumed it was me and my inability to make him happy. For the next 3 years we went through a cycle. He'd leave me because of something I did or didn't do and then come back wanting to try again. After one particularly brutal discard (he moved in with another woman), I started seeing a therapist. She asked me if I had ever heard of narcissism or Narcissistic Personalty Disorder. She told me that was a narcissist. We didn't get a chance to explore that in detail because, he came back, and I stopped going to therapy. 10 years later, as I read Lisa's book, I remembered what my therapist had said.

The off and on roller coaster finally came to an end after he slept with my best friend. For years, family and friends, told me I would get tired of the lies, betrayal,tears, and heartache.As I sat sobbing on the floor asking him why, he looked at me coldly and told me I had two choices: to shut up and come to bed or leave because he didn't want his neighbors to hear me crying. That day finally came but it wasn't like they expected. I sunk into a depression so deep that I cut contact with everyone. I just didn't care anymore. If I meant so little to him that he could do something that he knew would hurt me that much, I felt I must really be worthless. He, of course, tried to get me back, bringing flowers and a card declaring his love to my job. It didn't work and I ignored him. Once I did try to get closure and, as you all know, it didn't happen. I was at a point where I was ready to accept reality, that he never loved me and I was never the only one. Over the phone, I tried to appeal to his humanity and get the truth. He denied it all and instead propositioned me for sex. I had never been so disgusted in all my life.

For five years, there was no contact between us. He did try to hoover by reaching out at least once a year during the five year span. I ignored him, and though I struggled, I moved on and beat my depression. I finished college and became a nurse. Trusting people had become a challenge and letting people in was something that took time. I began achieving this when I started my first job as a nurse. I became close friends with my coworkers and stopped shying away from men.
Two years ago, around Christmas, I got a call from my mother. She said "You'll never guess who asked about you?" I did not have to guess. My mother had often seen him while visiting a family friend who's son is close to my ex. She usually didn't mention seeing him because she knew how I felt about him. They rarely spoke, other than to say hello, anyway. This time, she said, he reluctantly and shyly asked how I was. Being my mom and angry about his treatment of me, she took the opportunity to brag. She told him how great I was doing, that I had graduated, become and RN, brought a new car, and was working at a job I loved. He seemed impressed, made everyone laugh by saying "you go girl", and asked if my number was still the same. He still remembered it by heart and repeated it. My mom was taken aback by this and tried to come up with a lame excuse about me not using my land line. I didn't think much of the story because he had tried to contact me before. A month later I got an email from him and I ignored it. A month after that he left a message on my phone giving me his cell number and, once again, it was ignored.

The following month I had surgery on my foot and was unable to walk for 2 months. I don't know if it was boredom or curiosity that made me send him a text message. My intention was to say hello and leave it at that. He seemed very pleasantly surprised to hear from me and we just discussed what we had been up to. He made sure to tell me that he had been single for 10 months, had his own house, and two cars. I told him I had to go and it was nice catching up. He sent me a current pic of him and said goodbye. I did not think anymore about it. The next morning I woke up to a text that said "Good morning beautiful". I replied "good morning" back feeling confused and wondering what his angle was this time. The texting continued for a day or two, just small talk. Then he said he needed to hear my voice. I resisted and he begged. He called and I answered. We talked all night long, he told me all about his life, his last relationship and how much he wanted to see me. I made it clear that I thought he was full of it. Somehow, over the next few days, he began to convince me that he had changed. He said he was too young back then and didn't know what he had. Now, he said, he was a man and he wanted me, he wanted commitment, he was ready. I was weary but slowly he convinced me. The calls, the texts, were non stop. I agreed to see him but to take it very slow and only see him once or twice a week. He put me on a pedestal, telling me I was perfect even when I disagreed. He was relentless but after 2 months, I noticed the texts slowed as did the phone calls. I started calling him more and he was always "busy". One Saturday night, he ignored all my calls and I started to panic. He was doing the same crap as before. I sent him a lengthy text message, reminding him of how he promised he'd be different. The next morning he called furious over the length of the text message. He started telling me how much better his ex was for him than me! I could not believe my ears! Within a week he told me he couldn't see me anymore because he didn't want her to see my car at his house! I confronted him on all his declarations and promises but he denied it all! He denied ever saying any of it. I felt like I was crazy and friends had to convince me I wasn't. A month later, I discovered, via facebook that they were back together. I felt like such a fool and, this is when I started reading about Narcissism. It all just fit, the senseless made sense. I was still bewildered, how was I right back where I started?

The story still wasn't quite over. After months of crying, feeling stupid, and worthless. Months of trying to understand who he could promise the world and then be suddenly so in love with pictures posted on facebook smiling with her, I get an email. When he discarded me, I sent him an email asking a specific question about his motives. He never responded and I thought he never would. I had discovered via twitter that something had happened with his new relationship. He tweeted about betrayal and lies. Shortly after he answered my email and mentioned that he was "going through some problems". The next day he emailed me and asked me to call him, saying it was urgent. I wanted answers and validation so I did. He explained that he hadn't thrown me away and that his ex was leaving him after she cheated, got pregnant and aborted the baby behind his back (I no longer believe this was true). He went on a smear campaign telling everyone who would listen what a horrible whore she was and how his heart was broken. I stayed in contact with him off and on, by now knowing what he was. I angered him by refusing to see him and not always answering his texts or phone calls. One night, I confronted him when he lied to me and I saw narcissistic rage for the first time. I asked him to please be honest and mentioned his recent bible reading (yes, he claimed he had found Jesus). He went off telling me he didn't care if he ever saw me again and I was a horrible person. He was so angry that I apologized. Instantly, he calmed down, said I should have apologized 10 minutes before and then asked what I was doing. It was like nothing happened! We eventually parted ways again and he's back with his ex ( who he claimed was a child abuser) and she is pregnant. The wedding is in June.
At first the wedding and baby upset me because I still love him. Now, I'm just angry and I feel sorry for her. I'm angry because he gets away with lying and treating people like garbage. He gets a wife and children with no guilt or remorse for the pain he causes. His own mother called him a pathological liar and womanizer.I know he hurts her because of what she says on facebook about just wanting to cry. He admitted that he goes through her purse and listens to her phone calls. It just seems so unfair that a man so foul gets to have it all.

I thank you all for listening to my story.I apologize for the length. It still hurts, I still cry, question my worth, and wonder what the hell she has that I don't but I'm ready to heal. I hope to help you all as much as you've already helped me.