My Story Fedup2013

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#1 Jan 17 - 4PM
fedup2013
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My Story Fedup2013

I haven't shared my story until now but have made a few leaps and bounds in realizing what the heck I was going through after finding out he was an N and have made progress knowing I could never be with him because of how he is and the fact he WILL NEVER change. These realizations haven't come easy but they hit me like lightening this week. I understand that real recovery comes with no contact at all but I've gone back several times to get him out of my system so to speak and felt that it has made me come to grips with a lot of things. It wasn't easy

I am not proud of this relationship and hope no one passes judgement on me for being with someone who has done time in prison. Yes, he got me at a very vulnerable point in my life ( wanting to get out of an unhappy marriage of 12 years) and I ask myself now, how the hell I could get caught up with someone like this?? I am very ashamed of myself for this which was essentially being sold a dream. Being the empathetic that I am, I thought this person wanted to change his life and stupid me, I thought my love could change him. I waited 16 months for him and talked to him on the phone everyday and even went to visit him a few times.

I met him Oct 30 2011 through a co-worker/friend of mine, he went back on a parole violation Nov 26 2011 and he got out end of March 2013.everything was fine for a few months and he found a nice place to live. It was actually the kind of place I was looking to live and the owner said I could rent it from him which I did. I knew I needed time on my own for leaving an unhappy marriage but I felt like getting this place was a now or never type deal. I figured we were good and could live together since we got along so well. Yes, I was sold the "soulmate" dream as I'm sure many others have as well. I was the love of his life and he put me high up on a pedestal.

Anyways, I left my unhappy marriage and moved in with him. I signed the lease in my name and for a reason. It lasted 2 months with the devalue happening at the one month mark and the discard when he left. I was the one who asked him to leave because I knew he was emotionally abusing me and I didn't like where it was going. It all started because I still had ties with my ex husband ( we have an 18 year old daughter together), properties shared, etc and the N gaslighted me so much into making me think it was ALL MY FAULT and not setting boundaies with the ex and that he was interfering in our relationship.

My ex husband and I parted on good terms. Our marriage was over years ago (we married when we were young and he got me pregnant..I was 18, he was 21.) for secrets my husband kept from me ( other women and other men he talked to online never knowing if he was actually with one or not)...although he never has fully admitted he is bisexual ( he has a military career) and only from what I saw when he left the computer open and caught him on the phone back in 2009.

Our marriage was truly over in Sept 2009 the night I heard him say to another woman that the thought of coming home to me made him sick to his stomach. Hearing that sent me in a downward spiral. I always thought it was me and what was wrong with me. We hadn't had intimate relations since 2005 and even back then, it was very rare. It pretty much stopped 2 years after we were married.

We care for each other deeply and remained friends. When I need him, he is there but was emotionally distant in the past. I thought I managed to resolve most of my issues with him while still living with him but looking back I know I didn't when I realized I had a substance abuse problem since late 2011 right before I met the ex N. I was severely unhappy with my life despite the fact I had my own business, made good money. I wanted out but was tied into my ex financially and hit some rough times in my business.

Back then my drug abuse was recreational but still doesn't take away from the fact of what I was doing and my shame and regret for it. It was my dirty secret and always did it when no one was around. He was away a lot for work so I spent a lot of time alone, my daughter was gone alot involved with school and friends and I was still keeping on top of everything including spending time with my daughter and running my business.

My ex husband knew the entire truth about the exN and while he didn't like it warning me he would hurt me, I guess he realized I would soon realize his true colors. At that point, we were living together but seperate lives, seperate bedrooms. My daughter has her own life and is on her own at school now and in the last year my drug abuse got worse while being with the exN esp when I saw his true colors.

I could see he was turning it all around on me. I basically left a marriage of 14 years, drove down the street and moved in with him. I felt a loss not because I missed my ex but because this was a huge transition and I was depressed. He just expected me to get over it. I could feel my self esteem crumbling when we'd have a once a month blowout which he blamed on me and PMS. I'd get called names and I would return the mean name calling and putting him down then we'd say we were breaking up and get back together. The fighting was always over text, he would give me the silent treatment just prior to us living together and hurt even more when I got the ST when we did live together. Then we'd return to the honeymoon phase claiming we love each other and we would get through it.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household and I realize my mother could be an N who exhibits all the hallmark signs and my father was physically abusive to 3 out of his 5 children. Myself included. I now understand why I ended up with this person. He wasn't happy leaving but we still continued to see each other but the damage was done. At that point, I still wanted to be with him but realized I needed my space. I was like a lovesick puppy with him telling me he needed time and that I wasn't giving him the space. So i gave him space until he came around.

Three weeks after he left, he came over for dinner one night. We were having a nice dinner agreeing not to argue since we wanted to try to work things out and take it slow. We realized we moved in too quickly and he needed time to adjust and so did I. However he STILL blamed my ex husband for causing all of it which was b.s. I stepped out to go to the store and he took a shower. He found men's bodywash belonging to my brother who had stayed the night because his waterheater was broken. He sent me an abrupt text demanding to know who owned the bodywash. I told him it was my brother's. When I got back he was already gone. my brother even confirmed he ha stayed there just to make him look stupid but in the end I got blamed.

Stupid me, I drove to his place all the way across town crying and looking back I could see that he took such great delight in this and accusing me of cheating on him. I went home and ended up in a cocaine stupor. I searched the internet all night for emotional abuse and came across narcissism. It suddenly ALL made sense in his behaviour and how he was treating me. Then it hit me! I got so angry and texted him the next day testing his behaviour. He went from calling me a c**t one minute to me asking if he would come over with him saying he'd be right over like nothing ever happened. It was crazy to say the least! When he got there, I called him out telling him he was a narcissist. Of course he denied it but saying he had done time in prison, he wouldn't be surprised if he was and also mentioned he was diagnosed with ASPD. Lovely. Wish i had known that before!

That night he came back to stay with me. There was no intimacy when we went to sleep like there used to be. He got up, gave me a kiss on the cheek and went to work. I fell back to sleep and had a dream I was in the back of a car and saw Jesus come out of the forest. I remember walking up to him and he just looked at me without smiling but feeling a comfort. I woke up feeling like I had just seen a ghost. I've had dreams about relatives who passed on and coming back to me in my dreams. I've never ever had a dream about Jesus and I knew this was a wakeup call. I stopped doing drugs that day and started looking back into my Catholic faith that I had abandoned as a teenager. I knew someone was watching out for me and I knew I would be okay.

Throughout Nov & Dec, I was on and off the merry go round until Dec 15 of 2013 when the exN and I were back on and making plans to spend Christmas together. My ex husband had to come over and pick up some of my daughter's things and also had to tell me something about one of our houses which we rented out. The exN had just arrived and I told him he was coming over for 5-10 mins and if he could leave for a few mins. Well, he just lost it. When I retaliated back and raised my voice, he was up and gone. Knowing I was in the right, I got a barrage of texts how he had just driven all the way across town to see me, etc, etc. And then to add insult to injury in class narc speak, he turned it around on me saying I started the fight just so I could get him out of the picture so I could invite my ex huband to spend Xmas with him. And to put a cherry on top, he texted a pic he took a sexy pic of me he had taken in the bedroom. No nudity or anything but something I wouldn't want anyone seeing. Then I worried about that.

There was no contact untl Dec 24 when he texted my daughter to say Merry Christmas. Feeling vulnerable, I texted him Merry Christmas and he claimed he was drinking and then cut me off saying he was going to bed. I texted him Xmas morning where my ex husband, daughter and i spent Xmas at my place. This was a sore spot with the exN because I also spent Thanksgiving with my ex husband and my family. He found out about that and was very upset and never let me forget it. I didn't care.. my ex husband has always been there for me and I wasn't going to let him stay at home alone but didn't let on to the exN. At that point, I didn't have to explain myself considering his behaviour.

I could see how the exN was trying to isolate me from my ex hubby and also my brother. My brother could always see through him and warned me. The exN knew this. During Xmas day I was miserable missing the exN and texted him. We had a convo for a while until he said he didn't want to discuss anything and that I was screwing up his alcohol buzz. I was told Xmas day wasn't the day to discuss things. He said he would miss me, I was the love of his love and that no one else could replace me. Somehow we ended up talking again and making plans for New year's Eve. He went to visit his mother and on the drive home he called me. Somehow we got into a conversation where he said out of the blue he could cut me down in 5 mins and make me feel like the lowest person on earth. That stayed with me until the next day when I called him out on it. He automatically flew into a narcissistic rage, told me he wasn't referring to me specifically and then said I always blow things out of proportion. So I hung up on him.

I didn't talk to him for a week till I felt I missed him again and this is where I was having problems with each time I'd get on and off the merry go round. I'd be mad for a couple of days and between the fifth and seventh day of no contact, I'd start missing him.

So I got back on the merry go round on Jan 6 texting him saying he left things at my place. Then we started talking again. He said he wanted to try again but not bring up the past and try and take things slow. he came over last Sat and made me a nice dinner and we had a good time. He injured his arm in early Jan shovelling and from the time I started talking to him again until yesterday, I counted 87 times he moaned about his arm. 87 times since Jan 6!!! He was at my house 2 days ago and we had sex. He did something he had done before but thinking back I felt more violated than ever because it was something he did out of nowhere like he took pleasure in hurting me. I'm okay but because I've spent months reading about narcissists, I know the cues to look for and always found myself observing his behaviour while spending time with him and this left me feeling weird. It wasn't against my will or anything but almost like he was doing it to hurt me. when he left I felt exhausted and had to go lie down. I couldn't wait for him to get out of there! I wanted to spit in his lunch he asked me to make him but I didn't.

So yesterday I decided to fib ( yes, not good but just did to see his reaction) and told him I burnt my hand on the stove. His text said "Is it bad? Are u ok?" I responded I was ok but going to clinic. I texted saying I was hurting badly and his response was "Okay let me know what's up later". I knew I wanted out of this relaitonship once and for all so I said "Yes, that's the reaction I expected. Nevermind." No response back, nothing! I knew this was going to be the response but it was the final confirmation for me. Combined with what he did to me when we had sex, I realized he is a true psychopath. This scared me and I'm not going back.

It took me many attempts of going back to get him out of my system so to speak but the true indicators were seeing him laying there in bed with no real intimate feelings and how he has no empathy. I could have something serious happen to me and he would not be there. He will never be there.

After getting on and off the merry go round, I've realized he is a narc/pychopath and a hardened criminal. He will not fit into society and I was too embarassed to introduce him to my parents. Sometimes I didn't want to be seen with him in public because he is 40 years old and dresses like a 20 year old. I am glad my daughter is away so he did not have time to try and turn her against me. She actually liked him and doesn't truly understand the situation and the true reasons of why we broke up. I'd like to sheild her from that because I don't want her making the same mistakes.

Here is what I've realized in getting on and off the merry go around. I went through the "What's wrong with me?" phase after he tried to erode my self esteem and self worth. I wondered if all the things he did say to me like how beautiful and smart I was. I knew I was conned but I actually had to ask myself this earlier on. He did erode my self worth a bit but I know it's still there deep within me. I can answer that question now knowing I am a beautiful and smart person. I went through the anger phase of lashing out at him and verbally abusing him like he did to me. I grew up with this and I am aware I have co dependent issues. Then I went through the denial phase of thinking it could work out if I set better boundaries with my ex husband and if we took our relationship much slower.

Then I made more attempts to cut him from my life when I knew he was treating me wrong but then I'd get sentimental and miss him starting the cycle all over again. Then I realized I had to mourn the person who never exisited and this is what really helped. I was mourning the loss of someone who was never there. It never works out in my favor and never in his because he will never fully be able to manipulate me. He's tried and failed many times. Just watching his behaviour over the last week has been the wakeup call I prayed to God for many times and my prayers have been answered.

I knew deep down long ago that it would never work out but I think the biggest thing I've learned is I've been conditioned through my mother to be a people pleaser as she manipulated me most of my life always making me feel like there was something wrong with me and constantly dismissing me. I cut her off long ago keeping her at arm's length seeing her very rarely even before I knew all about narcissists. She is sad and pathetic and so is the ex N.

Yesterday was like having a billboard fall on my head. I've experienced the no empathy reaction from him before in the past but this time it was different. I read more on ASPD and this scared me. Seeing how cold and callous someone was and not seeing him through an emotional lens, I realize I don't love this person and never did. It's all sso clear now. I went back many times but I know this time will be much easier...

I worry he may try to use my past substance abuse against me esp with my landlord who i am temporarily renting a condo from until I buy my own and also those sexy pictures he has of me. I know narcs are notorious for getting revenge at times but I can't live my life worrying about that. Even though I'm just establishing no contact I feel like I'm somewhat ahead of the game because I realize all of this because I've gone back soooo many times. I knew I had to get him out of my system but the real healing will be begin once NC has begun.

Starting day one of no contact. And this time it's for good!

Feb 3 - 11PM
happygirl62
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kudos!

Jan 18 - 7AM
boomer14
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good for you!