working on it, mental contact the hardest

I understand what the "N" is now, what kind of person she really is. I have absolutely no interest in getting back with her, as I'm sure she is with me since she has new supply - and I called her on all the BS, she knows I know the real person she's been hiding.

I've set up a busy schedule of "healing activities" which mostly are fitness related, which is what usually works for me. I still think about the betrayal way too much, and I caught a nasty flu this past weekend which has really set me back. I've been stuck at home for three days with nothing to do but sweat, obsess, and watch shows on my laptop in bed. Driving me nuts.

Makes me sick thinking about all the time we spent together where I thought it was all roses and butterflies, while she was biding her time for someone better to come along so she could ditch me for fresh supply. Snipping and minimizing what was important to me, turning the focus on her needs. Every time I questioned what she said, or how I was treated - immediate backpedal and apologize, reassure "I love you, you are very important". Didn't want me, didn't want to let me go, didn't respect me.

Last contact was about two weeks ago by phone, four weeks since we last saw each other in person. As I've read on the site, the person I fell in love with never existed, it was all a facade. She's dead to me, but the pain lingers.

My brain knows life is much better now, but my heart and guts are still eating each other up. Forcing myself back to school tomorrow, have to keep busy on the self improvement. Need to get healthy, in mind body and spirit