My Story DiscoveringDeb

Sorry. This is very long- and I didn't even include much of the confusing things that happened
I met him 3 years ago via a golf group. I was single and was enjoying that. Of course, I also always thought it would be nice to have a companion/mate/friend spouse and I did date. I had noticed him at the golf events and had told a friend that he was actually the only man there that I would be interested in. She ended up kind of encouraging him to ask me out. (She is still a friend to me and I don't think she has a clue as to what his "issues" might be)
He did end up asking me out, actually had me to his home and cooked dinner. He is a successful attorney and leads a very active social life. (Early on he told me that most of his "friends" are women, because, as a single man, who else would he be interested in)

We started dating and, I found his life/his "circle"/, his activities exciting, even if there were some definite differences in some things. I had "gut reactions" early on. ( not coming to MY house, not returning emails/texts very promptly, etc.), but it was new and I was enjoying my time with him. Since his adult children were all going to be in town two months after we started dating, he suggested that he host a BBQ so they could all meet. At the time, I thought it was a little early, but was also thrilled that he must have thought it was serious enough to introduce our children. As things progressed, I grew more and more attracted to him, and ended up pretty much following him around doing everything he suggested, going along with all his ideas, and still choosing to ignore the fact that everything we did was on HIS terms, involved HIS family and HIS timing. He praised me for how accommodating i was and how he didn't have to do much.There were things said along the way that started leaving me confused. He had suggested, since I was spending a lot of nights at his house (very rarely my house), that I move some clot here's, etc in, and he cleared out drawers and closet space. He remained very active on Facebook communicating with all his female friends and when I asked some questions about this he replied "oh, so you've got the jealous gene". (By the way, he had some ED problems, which he blamed on "diminished libido" because of his age-68)
We had a lot of fun together for the most part, but I seemed to be confused at his attention or lack of attention to me- we took several long trips together, and while I looked at it as opportunities to grow closer, I was very often left feeling how distant he was! When I would voice any concerns about this, he would say "Im not responsible for your feelings", or "you sound like you want a 24/7kind of relationship".
Atone point an out of town friend of his came to town for a visit and he ore or less asked me to stay away so they could have time together. At that point, I got pretty upset and said, "you do understand that we are pretty much living together and now you're asking me to disappear?" I ended up breaking it off that weekend, but he called 3 days later and convinced me that he really did want a relationship with me and so I went back. The other red flag was, that, despite my going everywhere with him and flying off to visit his family,when I had a family event, he was grumpy about it and tried to "cut it short". He did say he loved me along the way and could be quite attentive at times when the mid struck him. As time went on, I got more and more frustrated with his withdrawing from me and his refusal to accommodate anything I might suggest. He had said all along that he had planned the rest of his life out to be alone and was quite surprised when I came along. He also said several times as I began to get more and more emotional over feeling devalued and unappreciated, that his emotions are "flat" and he doesn't get angry. I saw him tear up a couple of times over a movie or human interest story and he would always act surprised by his own tears-like "where did that come from?" He also admitted that he was pretty "selfish".
He did end up proposing and I accepted on 12/12/12. (As my close friend says now, He would do "just enough" to keep me hanging on even though I was having serious doubts.)
I ended up leasing out my own home for 18 months and moving in with him. He said he understood my place was very nice and that it is selfish, but he just couldn't see living at my place. The move was traumatic. I ended up getting rid of a lost of items, to try to"merge" our belongings. He couldn't seem to get rid of anything. He didn't understand how my furniture was going to "fit" into his house, he didn't help with the move itself except to come over and ask "are you getting rid of this?" "You don't need this, do you?" and saying he was just "overwhelmed" and "really didn't understand that my moving in meant my bringing "stuff", we ended up enlisting the aid of a female friend of his who did some interior design for him and when she saw my "stuff" as opposed to his, she asked him why he was holding onto all his old stuff!
It was not an encouraging situation to have just leased my home and have this kind of "welcome".
Everything became difficult to deal with-closet space, where to put everything. I ended up moving some suits of his one day to make some room and he said "that was presumptuous, wasn't it?"
I thought we were trying to build a life together and I realized I had no idea how to do that with this man who appeared to be very uncompromising.
My hurt, my frustration, combined with drinking led to some shameful anger/rage on my part. A few times I tried to leave ( yes, when i shouldn't have been driving), but I had no where to go and ended up going back to find him in bed asleep! I was dealing with a man who "wasn't responsible for my feelings" on the one hand and unavailable for emotions himself.
Over the next few months, my anger continued and he continued to withdraw and say he can't live his life like this. I told him I would go to therapy for my anger and we could go to therapy together for our communication. Other things happened in between, including my 94 yr old mother having a fall which required my attention and time and his "compromising" his support of me during that. We tried one therapist, but I had some issues with her and told him I wanted to find a therapist we BOtH felt comfortable with. I thought that was the direction we were moving, and we had an appointment for couples therapy and I had an appointment with a different therapist, when, at the end of October, I discovered an email he was sending to his daughter saying he was "bailing" because he, with a book given to him by a therapist had decided I hadBorderline Personality DIsorder!
I was devastated when reading that! I went into shock. One of the first things I did was call my brother in law, who is a psychiatrist and has known me for 30+ years and try to get some indication from him if he saw me with that (without telling him why I would be asking). He said absolutely not and then asked why I was asking. When I told him, he said, well obviously the fiance was looking for something to give him an "out".

I have been reading about narcissism and passive-aggressives and a LOT of the descriptors fit, but not all. He never had affairs while we were together, he never "raged", (because he was passive aggressive).

I did the "raging". I was hurting and getting no response at all!

I am seeing a therapist, taking anti-depressants now, doing everything I can to get myself through this, but I am still devastated and feel broken. I know I have co-dependency issues and I know the anger coming out was not appropriate and I probably have addiction problems. Since then, I have received an email from him saying that he has realized he has had "issues" for a very long time which have probably impacted every relationship he has had with women. He also said that "he became narcissistic".

I don't want to spend all my time "blaming" him, but, while he is now on an online dating site looking for a "LTR", I am left feeling totally beat up!

Help!