Mel's Story

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#1 Jan 11 - 3PM
lemonberry17
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Mel's Story

Hi...

So, I met my husband four years ago in Quito, Ecuador. We were both there for different circumstances. He is from Spain and I am from the US. I was 27 at the time and had been single a few years. I was so ready to meet someone and he was just.....perfect. Everything I wanted and more. He was a bit younger--25 at the time--but he seemed so mature, loving, affectionate and committed. Two weeks after meeting him he told me he saw the mother of his children in my eyes. After four months together he came to the US for the summer to meet my family and afterwards our plan was to live in England together where I was enrolled in a Master's Course.

I went to Spain to meet his family and friends before going to London and, this was about 8 months after meeting, he was still over-the-top in love with me. He told me how he would fight for us, etc. The thing is, after I moved to England he told me he couldn't come, he had to finish a few credits to finish University. He begged me to defer my Master's degree, move with him to his small city, and after a year we would do whatever I needed to do.

Needless to say, things changed the minute I bought my plane ticket to move there. He became hot and cold, moody, and a bit combative. He was very cold when he picked me up from the airport. My birthday was a few days later and I remember sobbing in bed feeling so alone and worried about how he was pulling away.

We ended up moving in together, but we lived in a house with roommates. This is when he started to criticize me constantly. He would get mad at me over very little things, I never seemed to make him happy. He also started to criticize the US--telling me I had no culture, that I had no right saying I was American (because only Native Americans are American), he constantly made me watch anti-American videos and when I got upset would just say, "see, look how patriotic you are".

During my first year in his little town, he also started to tell me that he "had desire for other women" and "wasn't sure he believed in monogomy." The first time he said this I freaked out and threatened to leave. He immediately took it back and said he's just stupid sometimes. However he kept acting secretive, moody and shady. I would go to hug him and he would literally put his hand up to block himself from me. The comment about wanting other women repeated itself many times, usually in the middle of a beautiful moment and even after getting married.

He started going out a lot with his friends. I started to become paranoid about him cheating, since he kept ogling other women and telling me he didn't believe in monogomy and had feelings for other women. One night he went to a dinner with his classmates (mostly girls) and I read a facebook message he sent to his sister basically saying he is so tempted to go out and just "be crazy". He later admitted to me that he had been tempted to cheat.

This type of stuff went on for two years. I caught him flirting to his workmate on facebook (he also worked with all girls), caught him lying to me about certain things. He was getting more distant and moody, I was always upset with him. When we would argue he would just say, "get on a plane and go home".

Then, about a year and a half ago, he started going out with his cousin who was single and is a womanizer. They would go out every Thursday and I was not invited (mind you, he went out a lot with his friends and increasingly I was not invited to most things). One night he came home at 8am and a few days later I checked his phone...basically him and his cousin had met these Irish girls, he gave them his number and apparently one of the girls had been all over him. They were supposed to meet up with these girls again the next day for a drink. When I confronted him about this he simply told me his cousin needed a translator and that I'm a crazy, jealous, anxious person who needs to check herself into a mental hospital.

He also told me that he can do whatever he wants, he WILL go out and dance with other girls, he NEEDS to flirt with other girls to feel alive, etc. He said as long as he doesn't cheat on me he's not doing anything wrong. I said, well it hurts me. And I want to go out with you sometimes. I want to feel loved and appreciated. To which he responded that I was controlling, posessive, jealous, etc. He absolutely refused to talk to me or take my feelings into consideration.

This escalated for a year. I would find messages, phone calls at five am, etc. He denied everything. Every time I confronted him or called him out on somethng, he told me he was sick of me accusing him, he hated me, it was over, etc. He spent less and less time with me. One day he went to a dinner with his cousin. He told me it was for a friend of theirs who was home for the weekend. A few days later I checked his fb out of curiosity and sure enough, it had been a dinner with him, his cousin, and five Italian exchange girls. This time when I confronted him he almost killed me. He screamed, shouted, threw things, told his family I was insane, and almost insisted that I leave the country because he didn't want me there anymore. In his mind, he had done NOTHING wrong. I was the one at fault.

He ended up moving out of the house, back in with his mom. He told me he had doubts about whether he could be with a girl like me or not, I had so many problems, etc. He put me through hell for a month. SOMEHOW we worked it out (not because we talked about it because he refused to. If I even mentioned what had happened he flew into a rage which would leave me speechless at his cruelty). I told him I was having doubts about living with him and he suddenly told me he loved me so so much, I was his world, he was ready to fight for me and love me. We moved into our own apartment and almost immediately the problems started.

He wouldn't come home when he said he would, spent more and more time at the gym. He became obsessed with his looks and his body (he is very very handsome). He held me responsible for everything in the apartment, including a cat which he bought which I didn't want (I love cats but I knew we weren't ready). Every time I voiced my feelings he reacted by RAGING. He would have me on the ground crying and begging him to stop screaming at me, connect with me, etc, which he never would. He eventually started slapping me in the face. I never laid a hand on him or retaliated. I never even raised my voice.

He told me I was crazy so I started going to therapy. After about a month my therapist told me his goal was to have my husband there not me. He said there was nothing I could do alone to help the relationship. He also said the only thing I should explore is why I put up with it for so long.

His birthday is in September and I tried to plan a party for him. I suggested going out to a bar and he said no, he wanted to have a dinner at our house the next night. That night, he said, we would stay in and prepare dinner. About an hour into cooking, he got weird. He freaked out. He told me he wasn't ready to live with anyone, he would prefer a long distance relationship, living with me was suffocating him. He wanted to be free to do whatever he wanted.

That was a common theme in our relationship. If I even asked for an hour of time with him, he went off on a tangent about how he needed "a loooooooootttt of space. a lot a lot a lot of space. And when you give me all of the space in the world, maybe then I can be happy with you."

Anyway, again I put up with it. A few days later he told me that he was sorry, he did want to be with me. The same push me away, then pull me back game.

Finally, this October we went away for my birthday. He bought my 50 euro plane ticket but we had to split everything else--so charming. We got back on a Tuesday and I literally did not see him except before bed for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. That was pretty par for the course, but he was taking ANOTHER trip with his friends for 6 days that Sunday. Naturally I thought we would see each other Saturday night. Saturday, however, he calls me to inform me that he would be having dinner with his friends, but I could go to the gym with him the next day before his flight. He told me to get home by two am, and he would too, so we could wake up early to do his plan.

Well, I was disgusted. He was going away with his friends for a week and couldn't have dinner with me the day before? So I got home at 3:30am instead of 2. At 2:30 he started writing me, "why the hell aren't you home? What's your problem?" etc, even though I literally can't count the number of times he told me he'd come home early and hasn't.

The next morning he informed me I wasn't allowed to go to the gym with him because I had come home too late. I begged him to spend time with me as he was leaving that day and he said, "no, maybe I'll have lunch with you but you can't come to the gym". I got upset. I told him I didn't come home at 2 because I was upset he didn't have dinner with me.

This is when he started raging again. His anger builds up like a volcano. I swear he eggs himself on without my help. Our arguments never allowed me to scream back. All I had to do was say why I was upset with him and he would rage more and more without any further help from me. He sprayed me with a water bottle in my face (twice), screaming for me to leave. He slapped me in the face. He took off his shoe and hit me. He threw me on the bed. He took my expensive face wash and squirted it all over the sink. Then he pushed me, slapped me again. And then he left and I didn't hear from him for three days.

When he finally did write me, it was to say that "if you think your reaction on Sunday was normal I have nothing to say to you." I promise, from the bottom of my heart, and I have gone over that day numerous times, I did NOTHING but tell him I was upset, and then when he started screaming I started to cry and asked him to stop and not to leave me. That was it.

He told me, via text (no phone calls of course), that I deserved what he did, he couldn't stand my anxiety, I was the violent, agressive one, etc. When I calmly said that I disagreed, he told me I was shameless, that it was over, he hated me, "the decision has been taken" etc". So I moved out. I told a friend what happened and she was disgusted.

I know my story is getting quite long, I'll try to summarize the last two months as best I can. When he came home we saw each other a few times. He NEVER apologized for what he had done, and in fact told me in so many words that I deserved it. He said he was going to look for a stronger, more mature girl. He told me that he deserves someone better, etc. He said our problems were that we were just so different, our personalities clashed too much.

We would sleep together, and then I wouldn't hear from him for three days. One of HIS friends told me that "everyone knows you're awesome--you're like lobster. But right now he just wants to eat lentils." His friend also admitted that my husband was "cold" and it was hard to "feel close to him". He even said "Mel, you deserve better" and that on their trip together (after he had physcially abused me) he was "checking out every girl".

I am home now for Christmas and we kept in contact. In a nutshell, I worry that I am making a mistake in leaving him. I have to say here, another element to my husband is taht he is SUPER charming. I see how sweet, loving, and wonderful he is with other girls and it makes me so sad and jealous of how he can treat them. I wonder, what is wrong with me that he can't treat me that way?

Also, he has started meditating and is absolutely over the top about how spiritual he is now. He criticizes me for not meditating. When I asked him if he was going to go to therapy for his rage and everything he said, "no, I meditate and go to the gym, that's enough". He also told me he talked to a friend of a friend who said that our problems are probably because "Mel moved to Spain and didn't want to be there". Of course, its all my fault.

Since we've split up, he has told me he "doesn't need to show or prove anything to me." He says he "owes me nothing" and I need to "accept him how he is". If I tell him something he's done has hurt me he says "don't try to change me" and that I am "too cerebral"...that all I do is think and that he hates that about me.

There are so so so many little details I want to include, I haven't even touched on every event that's happened or phrase he's uttered. But I hope I've shared enough to give an idea.

My gnawing doubt, however, is.....maybe he's not a narcissist? He is so damn charming with everyone, he is so pleasant to other people. He was never exactly controlling of me, except that he hated my best friend for no reason and told me I sounded "arrogant" when I talked to her....

I don't know. If he doesn't fit every single category is he still a narcissist? What is your opinion of the situation? To be honest I'm very scared because I'm going back to Spain in a few days and I know I'm going to be weak again...I would love some help and advice before I am back in that situation.

If you have read all of this I sincerely thank you....

Jan 12 - 7AM
lemonberry17
lemonberry17's picture

Thank You

Jan 12 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
StrongasDandelion
StrongasDandelion's picture

Abuse in every way

Jan 12 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

Mel, The man you describe

Jan 11 - 8PM
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

you asked, My thoughts..... RUN! and get help for YOU.

Jan 11 - 6PM
Abigail
Abigail's picture

Mel: urgent

Jan 11 - 5PM
StrongasDandelion
StrongasDandelion's picture

Dont go back!!

Jan 11 - 5PM
Lorelie123
Lorelie123's picture

Don't go back to Spain!

Jan 11 - 5PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

He may not be a Narcissist,

Jan 11 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Gettinghappy
Gettinghappy's picture

He's a dangerous person. He