Damned if you do and damned if you don't but hope

This morning I heard a few minutes’ worth of a radio conversation about conflict management in marriage. It was all of the usual advice given to normal people who are both invested in working things out. Good advice. Solves many problems for millions. Heard a lot of it before. Tried a lot of it before.

The reason I share this little anecdote here is that when dealing with the disordered, this very good advice only works to a point. It can certainly help you, in general, but don’t count on it having much of an effect in the long run on the disordered.

Indeed, attempts to ameliorate relationship problems in the tried and true ways may very well a) be mocked by the other, b) be twisted to “mean” something completely different and wrong, by the other, c) used in some other way to, once again, put you with all your good intentions back into a tailspin of confusion, doubt, incredulity, and so on.

Traditional solutions might work for a while but just when your guard is down, thinking that a problem has been solved or genuine communication has been achieved on a subject, despite your good intentions and efforts, you might be right back walking on those eggshells not knowing quite what hit you, thus, you are back in the control of the disordered who does not really want things to work out equally.

They must, it seems, re-gain control.

For what reason? Who really knows. And we don’t need to even try to understand, once we are out. (Phew!)

One case in point: at one stage in my maturation process (I married as a teen), I realized that I could be thanking my actually talented “Jack of all trades and master at most” ex more for so much that he always did around the house. I truly admired and still admire him for that talent, among others.

But what did I ultimately get for my sincere “Thank you’s?”

With a sneer, “You know, I don’t just do all this for you. It’s not always all about YOU!”

Whaaaa?...

What do you do with that?!

Another case in point: I came to understand at great length that I couldn’t trust a seemingly or maybe even innocent query such as “What are you thinking about?” spoken with an interested-sounding tone.

I came to understand that it might be a normal question of genuine interest, but it could just as often be a set up for him to contradict me, play devil’s-advocate, or in some way put-down or even mock what I might share. And so I rarely, toward the end, gave him the pleasure of a response I might offer a true friend. “Not much,” I’d more often than not, respond to his question. To keep the peace. To avoid a surprise attack, if that was in the offing.

It seemed like there was another “rule book” at work here written in invisible ink that only he could decipher but that I nevertheless had to know and play by. And the rules kept changing…

No more.

NC

Now I only pray—from afar—he finds his peace.

Just wanted to share this as a way of warning: all the good advice given normal folks may just not apply. Thus, the importance of understanding what you are dealing with in a relationship with a disordered person. Thus, the importance of finding therapists, counselors, and support groups (like this one) who understand the nature of life with the disordered.

But I also share this to say that all that time listening to the relationship experts, reading the self-help and professional books, praying and seeking spiritual guidance, even getting “ordinary counseling” about relationships and then attempting to put those skills into practice (though they may not have worked in your current or just-past relationship) is not for naught! Those efforts certainly have value in your own maturation process, and the lessons learned will also have value if you wish to attempt another relationship.

Blessings and hope,
A.