On the abundant life after NC...

…past the Fear, Obsession, and Guilt; the shoulda-woulda-coulda’s—the withdrawal from the drug called the Narcissist; the Manipulations; the cruelty and the dismissals to that place where one starts the recovery process, where so much becomes so clear...

This is what I am noting with even greater clarity today, as, once again, I join the chorus here advocating for NO CONTACT: it wasn’t until NC was a reality in my life (the only contact being necessary texting around the divorce and a funeral face-to-face) that I was able to begin unraveling what made me fall for all that for so very long.

Because, you see, it’s so very, very hard to do that when under the influence…

Most people here realize how nearly impossible it is to do the “communication techniques” with an N that all the counselors and therapists advise for normal relationships when there is trouble because a narcissist may play at it for a bit, but there will invariably come a time when whatever good was accomplished will be twisted and turned back at you in some fit of meanness.

Pretty soon, you just stop the attempts. And then they add their own aberrant version of “you’re giving me the silent treatment” to the list of accusations…

And suppressing your responses starts its insidious destruction in places in the heart, mind, soul, spirit, and body…

We simply have to have freedom from the fray, distance from the disaster called life with a narcissist is order to identify the pieces of who we really are and to let the mending process proceed in peace.

Reading through the posts the past few days, I identified with the following similarities in others’ posts that brought a little more reality to my own mind:

AFTER the cruelest discard of all last year, that, I believe, he engineered to force me to leave and to proceed with a divorce the text: “Are you okay?”

(Well, I am now!)

Trying to “hoover me” with the old line that used to work pretty well: “thank you for being so kind and compassionate.” He used to tell me I taught him how to be compassionate and it made me feel pretty special…(red flag).

Hinting at the need for “unconditional love”… even though year after year, decade after decade he never stopped the mocking, the insults, the put-downs, the accusations, etc., however blatant or subtle, though in the early years I tried to explain…

For people still struggling with establishing or maintaining NC (and it must be so hard for those of you on social media, which must feel like another kind of addiction) please note the absolute truth of this: withdrawal from the drama and the demons of life with a disordered person might be very painful on many levels, but until you do it you will not be able to see the light at the end of that tunnel, let alone make real progress toward it.

And it’s not only light; it’s peace, calm, lower blood pressure, mental stability, freedom to choose and think and talk and associate…

This list goes on.

As I am learning day by day.

And if I can do this, after over four decades of that relationship, trust me, you can, too.

Blessings and hope,
Abigail