BlairoRoberto's Story

I keep saying to myself, "I can't believe it", and "How did I let this happen?". But I have to believe it, because this happened to me.

My N and I got together close to 5 years ago. The first year was amazing, and the first summer in particular was pure magic. Then she admitted to me cautiously that she had an "anxiety" problem, which had to do with my being away or out of town from time to time. She needed me close, or she would have panic attacks, crying, irrational fear ect . . .

Since I'm a decent caring guy, and I was in love with her at this point from the wonderful time we had together thus far, I decided to try and work with her on this and that is when the trouble started. She claimed to not be trying to control me, but that she couldn't help having this reaction if I were to want to go out of town to visit my brother for a few days - or if work would call me away. I am/was a welder, so work was seldom in the town where we lived. I passed up a lot of lucrative jobs, so that I could be with her, and commuted to others in nearby towns when I could. If something came up, or I wanted to do something we had to have a plan for her to be without me, I had to give notice of departures - which I began to dread/fear as she would get "into a state" over the potential threat to her world.

At around a year and a half in, I moved into her condo. We would have "practice nights" where I would stay at my parents so she could work on being on her own, in hopes that it could get better.

WOW! I should have run then, but I didn't, I was in love with her. I just wanted to be with her, but she was a great big bundle of need. Gradually I got isolated from my friends and family, because we had a busy life, and "we" needed to do things.

The summer after moving in together we got a puppy, which was another stretch of good times, but after that my life revolved around walking the dog and managing her "anxiety".

She is university educated and has a good government job, while I was a hit and miss hot/cold construction worker. She started giving me a hard time about not having a "normal job" you could count on, and why didn't I already own a house since I was nine years older than her.

I believed she was dropping hints about getting engaged. Mentioning rings, how her friends were all getting married, telling me about how in the long term she needed to be married and didn't want to be "just living together" forever. So, with some serious consideration, I decided that the good weighed more in the balance, and I bought a ring and proposed. Didn't get the joyous response I expected, she had to think about it for a day and said yes. I've referred to this since as the "shitty proposal", again I should have called it there.

The truth was that she didn't want to marry me, knew I wasn't the guy for her in the long term, but that she couldn't bring herself to say no, and convinced herself to say yes. She was trying to scare me off, but it didn't work.

By this time I was making preparations to go back to school, and spend a few years taking engineering to open myself up to a "normal job". Mostly at her nudging, but also I didn't want to be working in the trenches forever.

All the while she would keep telling me that I should do what I wanted, and that school should be for me not for her. When an out of town job would come up, she would get on edge, tell me to do what I wanted, but the threat of her reaction was always present.

Two years pass since the engagement, during which I am her rock, her emotional support through two deaths in the family, her father having heart surgery as well as the day to day trauma, and other difficult events.

It wasn't all bad, for the most part there was a lot of warmth - that I feel anyway, and she is generous financially as she has the better job. We had our little puppy family, and I just loved to be there.

I had to spend over a year doing prep courses to get my academic skills up as it had been 20 years since high school. So this year I started the program in earnest, and it was very difficult and demanding. The college offering the course is in the city an hour drive away, I have 3-4 hours homework every night at minimum.

She takes the summer preceding school off from work as stress leave, suffering from the family difficulties of the past few years, and likely from the lie that she has been living for some time now. She had developed OCD relating to leaving work on time and having to check things repeatedly at the office before she can leave. She starts seeing a psychologist and gets some tools to help with her issues. This seems to have a positive effect and she is diligently doing her "homework" to get a handle on things.

So I decide that I need to rent a room near the college for through the week, and would come home on the weekend. We agree to do this and ease into it first a day, then a couple days ect . . .

Near the end of the summer, we spent a day trip in the company of this guy she knows through work. For me, it's like tagging along on their first date, obvious attraction and connection between them. I wonder if I'm imagining things, and don't mention it for a few weeks. Comes to my attention that they are walking the dogs together while I'm not around, and having tea, so I tell her how I felt on our day trip and that I'm not comfortable with them hanging out alone. Work stuff or a group thing no problem, but think it's not good that she's engaged to me and he is single. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

So I start being out of town, and she keeps hanging out with him. Tells me later that she can't stop because of her anxiety, she's alone and needs company. Of course I suggest her mom or girlfriends, but that's not good enough apparently. I'm at school and she keeps flirting with buddy. Grrr!

Short end to the long story is that we agree to stay apart for my last three weeks of school and then we'll sort things out. One week into this she phones me up in a panic, she can't handle the "uncertainty" in the relationship, and can she come down to see me the next day to "talk". I say no, I'm busy with school, we agreed to stay apart so I can finish - final exams are one week away and I have all kinds of calculus and physics to do.

We get into it on the phone, and I ask her is she willing and capable of making some significant effort to balance the scales and improve the relationship. Her reply, "No"
Then I say, we're done, it's over.

What follows for me are two weeks of pure hell trying to keep this in check while I scrape though my classes, which luckily I pass eventually.

I come back to the home town, and we have a face to face, where she is very cool and professional. I vent at her about what I've been put through, and say as I have all along about the other guy - that it sure looks like she was aiming for an upgrade. Guy resembles me physically, but manages the engineering office around the corner from the condo, and has a house, a dog, is in better shape than me. Hmm? She says strongly that this was never about replacing me, just she can't handle the anxiety - what a load of BS!

I move my things, the next day, she's not there. Considering the way I've been treated, I stoop, and read her journal. The only worst fear not realized is that she didn't write about having sex with him, so I believe she didn't cheat on me physically. Yes she thought about him for a long time and wondered about the possibilities, she made a list of all his great qualities, the more she sees him - the more she wants to see him. She is "blindingly proud" of herself for finally doing what she didn't have the courage to do two years ago (say no to the engagement and break up with me), relieved that it's over, and is excited and optimistic about her new courtship.

Wow, I've been conned. She kept me around for over two years to help with her "anxiety" and family problems. Then at the first opportunity, as soon as I'm used up and unavailable, she jumps at new better supply and manipulates the breakup of us, at the worst possible time for me - on the phone.

I see the little things much clearer now. I see also that it's not anxiety she suffers from. It's just who she really is. The things she says that don't add up, words and actions not coinciding.

She will do or say whatever she has to, to get what she needs, when she needs it, no matter what effect that may have on anyone else.

There's more and more and more, but this give you the idea I think. I feel so used and abused, and she doesn't understand why I would feel so strongly about this. She "saw no other way out", and in her mind - did what she had to do.

Oh man, how did I let this happen to me? I was strong and self assured when we met, and little by little I got chipped away, manipulated and maneuvered - then thrown away quickly and callously when I was used up.

Not so bad as some stories I've seen on the boards here, but I'm a sensitive guy and feeling somewhat traumatized. It's been just over a month since we broke up, I'm getting better, but it's hard.

Now she is chasing new guy hard, planning to lock in her new victim. While I am a 40 year old living like a 20 year old in a ratty basement room near the college, and living the life of a broke student. Ya, she was supposed to back me up with the school thing, I carry her through all those years, then the minute I need something from her, she's out with new guy.

Main thing is I'm free, and even managed to get my cash back from her for the value of the ring. Which of course only happened because we were common law married (Canada), and I could sue her for half pension, condo equity, and spousal support. I just wanted the ring money back, and to have no contact with her ever again. I sure miss the dog though, he was my little buddy :(