My Story Boosher5

My "relationship" only lasted 3.5 months but I am still dealing with the repercussions from the encounter. I hurt and I'm not quite sure how to release myself from this pain.

I never experienced such a "high" (I would call it love but there was no intimacy, just intensity.) Everything was perfect - it was everything I had been waiting for…then after two months he completely changed. He went from the guy I could cuddle with whenever I wanted to the guy who would push me off and say "don't I'm comfortable already." The guy I could tell anything to while feeling so safe to the guy who judged and criticized every little thing I said or did. The guy who made me feel like I was so perfect to the guy who made me not feel good enough.

I would talk and he would reply with "remember how you said you loved that we could be together and not have to say anything… I don't think you've stopped talking since." I put on makeup and he would tell me certain things about it didn't look good, yet, he usually told me he never got to see me dressed up. He was obsessed with his looks and his clothes and would often check out the labels on my clothes and I would notice his unimpressed looks if he didn't like what I was wearing (sometimes commenting how certain things I owned didn't go with anything and that I needed to buy new ones.)

When he was upset I got the cold shoulder or the silent treatment… or sometimes I felt like I wasn't there at all. I would ask if he was ok and I would get "OH MY GOD, STOP ASKING ME," or "Everything is fine, stop over thinking things." It came to the point where he was so up and down and I never knew how he would react or what mood he would be in so I asked if he still wanted to be with me. If it were through a text I would receive "I am so in love with you, you are so perfect and I think everything is fine" but if it were in person I would get this cold blank stare… it was as if I was talking to a robot who could function like a human but lacked the core aspects of a real person (love, warmth, empathy etc.)

The first week, right after the two month mark, I got a very strong, horrible gut feeling that I should have listened to but I was clearly already brainwashed into believed he possessed the good morals he talked about and I ignored all the red flags that my subconscious was clearly picking up on.

There is so much more that I could get into like the lies, manipulation, gas lighting… but right now it was has been over for two months (he left me after I snapped on him for his childish behaviour and then he started online dating within a few days) and I am doing SO MUCH better each day but I still feel down in the dumps. My self-esteem is not where it should be and sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. My hearts feels okay but my mind feels trapped. I feel depressed. I am struggling to stay motivated and have a hard time getting out and doing things as I don't take joy in the things that I used to.

I guess I am just wondering what to do at this point? I've read everything that I can about it and then switched over to working on myself… It just feels like it's taking too long and I'm tired of having moments of weakness or thinking about him (I haven't contacted him since the breakup.) Perhaps I would just like some suggestions or some insight on what has worked for other people?