My daughter's complaint about not wanting to live with her dad.

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#1 Jan 1 - 9AM
ForeverFreedom
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My daughter's complaint about not wanting to live with her dad.

My daughter is older elementary age, smart and aware. She verbalizes that she does not like her father or his wife. She has to live there nearly 1/2 the time. She complains to me about it. She doesn't want to be there. It is a constant complaint.

I have taught her about gossip, and how it's not okay. That has helped her immensely with the 'mean girl' phenomenon at school. I teach her the words of recovery and safety: Boundaries, Triangulation, trust your intuition, listen to your gut.

She reported that her father slaps her in the face when she said things he didn't like: "that she didn't want to be there, that she wanted to be with me." Our state Child Protective Services says that this is not child abuse. Parents are allowed to slap their children in the face.

So, I'm left with a child who does not like her father, does not want to be there. She doesn't want to speak up for herself and tell her father, she just wants to complain to me, daily.

Yesterday on the phone she called her dad and stepmother: "idiots". I don't do name calling and I don't do gossip. She knows that. We talked about it. She expressed her normal complaint: she doesn't want to be there, she wants to be with me.

I think a Normal Father would have acquiesced‎ a long time ago. I have seen this happen around me. Instead, her disordered father slaps her in the face, takes away her books, punishes, threatens and controls her.

"No win" situation.

She doesn't want to speak up, stand up, and say what she wants. She doesn't want to tell her dad. I don't want to hear her constant complaint if she doesn't want to take any action. I think she lets off steam by complaining to me. I think it's gossipy. I think it's a bad habit and inappropriate. She has to be there, and if she's not going to speak up with her father (the person who can actually change her situation), then she should not complain to me.

I want my child to feel like she can confide in me. I feel like our relationship is dominated with her complaint that she doesn't like her dad, and that's a subject that is very touchy for me. He'd love to accuse me of parental alienation.

He's her father. I can't change that. I can't control him. I can't fix it. I can't make him act normal.

This is her journey. Yes, she is only a child. But I can not fix it for her. She's the one with the power - she doesn't see that. He slapped her enough to silence her. Child Protective Services says that's okay.

I want to speak to her strength, to show her that she has power, to raise a strong healthy woman. I don't think that listening to her whine and complain about her dad, while she remains silent, is the right thing for me to do for her.

I told her that if she's not going to tell her dad that she doesn't want to be there, she should stop complaining about it to me.

Thoughts? Bad mommy? Good boundary? Helpful/hurtful to child?

Jan 3 - 8AM
kollontai77
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If you want your daughter to

Jan 1 - 1PM
boomer14
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your daughter...

Jan 1 - 11AM
jjj1984
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Hi FF, I have no doubt that

Jan 1 - 11AM (Reply to #20)
ForeverFreedom
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thank you

Jan 1 - 11AM
ItsFinallytime
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I don't see how this approach

Jan 1 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
ForeverFreedom
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thank you for your response

Jan 1 - 10AM
Goldie
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This is serious

Jan 1 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
ForeverFreedom
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Goldie

Jan 1 - 11AM (Reply to #15)
Goldie
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I knew it

Jan 1 - 11AM (Reply to #16)
ForeverFreedom
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Goldie

Jan 1 - 11AM (Reply to #13)
pattylyn
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Hmmmm

Jan 1 - 11AM (Reply to #14)
ForeverFreedom
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ok

Jan 1 - 10AM
pattylyn
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Complaint is serious..

Jan 1 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
ForeverFreedom
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hi pattylyn

Jan 1 - 10AM
Janie53
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FF

Jan 1 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
ForeverFreedom
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Hi Janie

Jan 1 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
Janie53
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ff

Jan 1 - 10AM
Used
Used's picture

As her mother she should be

Jan 1 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
ForeverFreedom
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Hi Used

Jan 1 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
Used
Used's picture

sounds like you think I could

Jan 1 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
ForeverFreedom
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Sorry - what do you mean?

Jan 1 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
susana
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In my experience the family