My Story diva0216

I met "M" in the fifth grade. He was a rather popular kid throughout grade school, junior high and high school. He's the youngest of two and comes from a good family.

Fast-forward to 2009. He and I hung out one night and it was at that night we hung out and started to look at each other differently. Suddenly this person whose known me since I was 8 years old I'm developing feelings for but I wasn't sure about his feelings so I kept mine under wraps until he said something.....and eventually he did. October 2009 I went overseas for work and the whole time I was there we were emailing and texting heavily. It was at that time I learned how he felt about me. Three weeks later I came home and things took off. We were spending time together, talking on the phone everyday for hours at a time while I was at work and he would make it a point to call me and talk to me while he was on his way to work and even text throughout the day and when he got off of work. Communication was something we never lacked......but notice I used the word WAS.

This next part is kind of hard to type because it's the period of my life where everything was genuinely good. He and I always kept in touch throughout life while growing up but the way he and I developed into something....good it was indeed scary but when you're with your friend you don't mind facing it. We talked ALL THE TIME, saw each other damn near every weekend...then the trust that was built, to be honest I haven't had anything like that since him. The way we confided in each other not just about small stuff but about the things no one outside of "us" knew. It wasn't long before feelings got stronger and wouldn't you know it, moment my moment, time after time and step by step....I fell in love.

This man was kind, loving, supportive, hilarious, family oriented, giving (the gifts this man gave me.....amazing) and spiritual.

About 3 years ago he disappeared on me for 3 months...said he needed to sort some things out. Then out of the blue he came back and promised it wouldn't happen again....he would go on to do this one more time until recently which was the worst.

2013...he took a retail manager job that has him working like crazy....suddenly the time spent together stops. My birthday party, he was there but you could tell he wasn't there, like his headspace was somewhere else. The party ended and in addition to my gift, I got a kiss on the forehead and he went home.

Btw, let me just say that he and I have NEVER, EVER intimate. Oh sure we've come close a few times but each time I shut it down because technically, honestly he and I were never officially together. Despite all the time spent, he would never define us and I never pressed it because that's just not who I am. Silly me. Anyway, this year he became a different person and hasn't turned back.

I had outpatient surgery and he was the only person who knew....when I wanted to call and talk to him about it, he avoided my calls. Suddenly the texts stopped in February. The incoming calls stopped in March. The only time he would speak to me is if I reached out to him and even then it was one-word answers...he became extremely vague with me.

Six months passed..no contact from him on his own. I tried. I texted, minimal answer. I called, no answer. The times I ran into him he looked like he wanted to run & hide from me. The only time there was contact was when it was my reaching out to him. He says he's been in therapy since March (I recommended it to him, I told him he was broken)...something about being depressed, or whatever that means.

He told me months ago, "I don't know how I can come up with a big enough apology for you." "When you mess up big it deserves big apologies." So I told him to just apologize and let's work through it. He said "I have given you every reason in the world to hate me." That was August, still no apology.

With the exception of his mother I met his whole family his church family and his close friends so it's not like I was some sort of a secret but I don't understand how someone was so here one minute and then all of the sudden can be so mean.

I watched him in passing be on the phone talking but when I call he ignores my calls. I was there for him when it mattered and the times I needed him he was nowhere to be seen or found. I never asked him for anything but his time and now all of the sudden he doesn't have any for me.....not a phone call, text, nothing.

I let this kid from the fifth grade in my life as a man and he completely gutted me. As a result I've become distant, closed off, mean, isolated....I cry A LOT. Like at least once a week if not moreso. It's unfair to love someone and be so giving unselfishly only to see them *POOF* disappear leaving you to wonder if it was something to said, did or didn't do. He says it's not about me, has nothing to do with me. If that's true then why was I pushed away, the one he confided in, the one he trusted...if it's not me then why do I feel like I've done something wrong.

So is this how it ends? 28 years of being in each others life gone? Just like that? My mind is becoming okay with the idea but my heart......my heart wants what it wants and it wants him. I think about him all the time, I wonder if he misses me, if he's okay, does this silence/distance bother him like it does me.

I need help...