Slippery slope: Holiday hoover

I read the warnings about the holiday hoover so felt pretty sure I could handle it if it happened. Plus, I had the N blocked everywhere possible.

I've been NC for 1 year tomorrow with a few bumps in the road but still maintaining. I have felt better, stronger and haven't had to check in here as much the past couple of months.

Two weeks ago, the N mailed a gift basket to me at work. I ignored it and gave it away to a patient. This past Tuesday, he texted me from another number at 9:30 at night simply saying "Merry Christmas." I thought maybe it was from a patient so I responded "You too."

He then angrily texted why I hadn't thanked him for the gift basket. In the heat of the moment, I broke NC and texted back. This went back and forth for a few minutes with the old sayings of "I need you. I miss you. Why can't you be in my life." Blah, blah, blah. And I know I shouldn't have responded.

Eventually, I stopped texting and blocked the number. I was horrified at how ramped up he was running the gambit of emotions from angry to begging. I went to bed thinking about the risk of letting that madness back into my life.

I was fine with it a couple of days. This morning, I found myself at my desk writing him a letter with a stamped envelope ready to go. I wrote and re-wrote that thing, trying to get it just right so he would understand how much he had hurt me. I even sealed it up to mail.

I stopped myself and went to my journal to read past entries from last year. I made myself look at the crazy woman I was back then. I came back here and read about the hoover. I messaged a close forum member and called a good friend. Then, I shredded the letter and envelope and walked out the door.

My point in sharing this is to remember that N's never change and that even though WE may feel better, breaking NC is not the way to go. I cried writing that letter this morning, the first time in a couple of months. That's all that man has ever done, made me cry.

I've screwed up before and this may not be the last time. Keep your journal as a reference during times like this. It saved me, and I am 1 year out.