My story aurora

Hello to all those incredibly brave women and men out there whose stories and struggles have inspired and validated me when I truly felt I had lost all hope of ever coming to terms with what has happened to me.
I stumbled across this website accidentally and it has truly been my constant companion the last few days.
When I read the stories, and particularly the Narcspeak, the D&D, hoovering, all those things, it makes me feel so incredibly grateful that I can now get a handle around what has happened to me.
In short, I only had a short relationship (six months), and as ashamed as I am here is my story.
I met N online, he got off the site pretty quickly and exchanged texts, we met up and within three weeks he had met all my family, completely swept me off my feet, and moved into my home. Finally someone who really understood me, a strong quiet male who adored me for exactly who I was. So tender, so gentle, so caring and so well mannered. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, being able to share my deepest self, dreams, hopes, pain and joy with the man I loved so deeply. There was even a diamond engagement ring duly presented, and although I wanted to fall into the fairytale soul mate dream, was still not divorced from my husband who I had been seperated from for 18 months. Over this period I had been recovering from a bad bad flu, and was still pretty weak and vulnerable. There were some things early on that i should have put my foot down with (negative comments about my body, inappropriate affect towards some of my emotions etc, very straightforward telling me my faults) which I took on board as honesty and great communication between us. I had a negative gyno issue early on (now wonder if it was because of him) and initially he was great, taking me to appointments, doing things for me. Then it all went pear shaped. I started to feel needy, crazy, demanding and childish. I would text him and he wouldn't return my calls. He was working long hours and our paths didn't cross much during the week - I would get to the weekend longing to see him, and then an argument would start.
I remember distinctly the day I knew something was terribly wrong (assuming it was me). I work with troubled youth and had lost a young girl to suicide that week and was in a terrible state mourning her passing. My brother came to visit that weekend, and during our conversation I started to cry and my brother put his arms around me to comfort me. N just walked away. Later, after brother had left, he came storming into the house asking why I hadn't offered to make him a coffee when my family was visiting, and did I think he was my slave and was I trying to humiliate him. I now know it was gaslighting and a narcissistic rage, but at the time I remember distinctly feeling that the world had somehow changed, that I was somehow responsible, and that I needed to be more attuned to his needs.
So then the anxiety started. I have always been an anxious person, but this was an all over, unnameable, dread. At one point I asked him if, when he got all silent on me, he could tell me if I had done something to hurt his feelings, because the silence was beginning to become threatening to me. He told me I needed a nurse and just wanted to talk about myself all the time, further demeaning me. But I also had some medical stuff going on, needed day surgery, didn't come too from the anesthetic as quickly as I thought, and started having panic attacks. My friends, knowing my history, just assumed I was being too sensitive, and advised me not to take his lack of communication personally because he was working hard, and such a lovely bloke, and how lucky I was to have found him. Then one day I was on the computer wanting to print out something, and accidentally logged into his fb account (had never been a fb user much till i met him), and found a message to someone with the same name as my niece. Being in what I now know is a altered mental state from all the gaslighting and devaluing, I opened it and then discovered it was to another girl and although not completely inappropriate, felt wrong. I challenged him about it that night, and he tried to reason with me, at which point I asked him to just leave. I managed to avoid him living in a seperate room in my house for the two further weeks he stayed and felt guilty, in love with him, frustrated, etc etc but managed to avoid him. For some stupid reason (probably because I loved him and wanted back what we had first had), he asked to borrow my computer, a laptop, while he went on a holiday to get his head together, so I had his computer for that period. When he came back to collect his stuff he was pleasant, looked tanned and gorgeous, but I worked really hard to just keep the answers to his questions short and sweet, and even when he seemingly innocently touched my arm while explaining something to me, maintained a stony composure. I got my laptop back off him, and I went to log onto facebook, and his account was still open (as well as links to porn sites, ewwww). I sat at the computer for 12 solid hours reading miles and miles of messages to different women he had been involved with both in the past and currently. I nearly vomited, and assumed of course that I was to blame. About four days later I got a text from him 'anyway, I would like to still be friends with you but no sure if you think that way too'. I ignored it. I was still recovering from what I thought was a depression, was still physically very ill, and wanted to try and concentrate on myself, even though the world was so grey and flat and lifeless and meaningless. I kept access to his facebook open on the computer, I kidded myself that it kept me in control to know what he was up to. Just before my birthday I started thinking about him in a nostalgic way, and sent him a text to say hi, its my birthday soon, do you want to catch up for a drink. He sent me some really vulgar and defiling texts back, so as much as it hurt, I just had to let it all go. Then last week, only 3 weeks after he had been wanting to come to my place and be fwb, I opened up his facebook page, and he is engaged to another woman, wearing the same ring he gave me, and involved with a whole new family. I couldn't process any of it, and went into a meltdown. Comparing myself to this woman, seeing his face, feeling unreal, feeling completely irrelevant and redundant. Then I found this site, and now I am so much better informed about what the hell is going on for me. It was short relationship, and I ended it, but he has continued to live in my head over these last couple of months in a way I never thought possible. I am hurting like hell but have gained a whole bag of information and support and wisdom about how to deal with this and I am just so grateful to be a part of this forum. Ive basically been in combat mode for most of this year, and now I can review and experience everything that really happened, feel the pain and anger, and hopefully move on into a healthier place.