Taking back my love!

I have never done anything close to blogging online or venting my hurt or shame over the Internet, I am a massive social media feen, constantly updating my fb and Instagram pictures and not once have I ever considered looking into these types of sites.. Until now. Like many of you I have just been through a whirlwind, draining exhausting year with in my eyes, A class A narcissist.

It sounds crazy saying it, that word and everything behind it could not have been the wonderful guy who swept me off my feet by telling me sweet nothing's?! It couldn't be? After ready everything on this site, I can say it absolutely is.

I have just gone week 1 no contact with my ex narc and let me tell you, it is tough work shutting someone who is so involved in your life completely out.

My story is I moved overseas just over a year and a half ago due to ending a 2 year relationship with my then fiancé, we were best friends but the intimacy and love had worn off to the point we decided it was best to part ways. We had such an easy breakup and remained great friends after that. Anyway, I moved overseas, got myself a new job, new place with an awesome flatmate and start building my new life! On a night on the town I decided to doll myself up and head to the clubs with my then awesome flatmate, we decide to go to the local nightclub and that's where I met him.. Let's call him, "Q". He approached me so weird at first and because we were both from the same country he decided to ask me if I knew anyone from my hometown.. Anyway we began chatting, one thing led to another and I began to find myself attracted to Q. He ended up coming back to my place that night and we slept together, before jumping into bed with me though he told me he was a virgin, because i was so drunk and couldnt get my eyes off him i practically threw myself at him, I had been with other partners before and could definitely tell he was NOT a virgin, even though he adamantly(still to this day)said he was.

After that night we were inseparable. We had gone from being complete strangers to a full on couple practically overnight.. Here I was thinking "Wow everything is working out fantastic for me!" Little did I know what would happen in the next 6 months..

I ended up losing my friendship with my then awesome flatmate because of Q, he always saw my flatmate as trash and never really had anything nice to say about her so him and I decided to move out into our own place and thats when it all turned upside down. He introduced me to his family 3 weeks into us dating and they came across as the perfect bunch, extremely kind to me and his mother welcomed me with open arms. They shared a lot of their family history with me too, telling me stories about how they struggled financially and got their family out of the "dumps" as they called it, and into a stable, happy life. I was nothing but happy for them and it made me fall in love with Q more. During this time he had met a few of my friends, all of which thought he was very attractive but there was something not right with him.. It was almost like to them he was "too perfect". I soon found out after overhearing a conversation between him and his mum that his entire family thought i was the devils child and i was not the right girl for him! I could not believe it! What had i dont wrong to deserve such treatment?! Being so vunerable and naive and listening to Q twist it around put me at ease with his family and i basically knew i just had to "suck it up and move on" if i still wanted my amazing man. Q also knew how to get me, I could be a very insecure girl at times and i often found myself comparing me to other woman and whilst i thought that would of been annoying the shit of him, after reading these posts i can now see he was probably loving it. I can also be a massive drama queen at times so anytime we would argue and he would turn it around on me, I would think.. "Your so right, no man will ever put up with this, My poor Q!"

We literally lasted 3 months in the new place we shared together before I built up the courage to ask him to leave after all the emotional abuse, mind games and the constant lies and deceit. Within the 3 months we lived in this place, I quit my job, he quit his and we literally lived in our own world, living off loaned money from the bank to survive. Because I was so into the relationship at this point, I thought nothing of it and just thought "I don't care what I'm doing or where I am he will always take care of me". When i finally decided to snap out of fantasty land and managed to secure myself a fulltime job, I knew our time needed to be done.

I've read in some of the posts that narcs will make you dependent on them for control, I can definitely say Q was the king of making me feel dependent and like I could not live, breathe or speak without him. He had no good friends which I found so odd because here I was, two same best friends for years who meant the world to me and a massive network of other friends and family and he wanted it all about my friends, my family and never his own!

When I finally plucked up the courage to kick him out of our place together, the following 6 months were an absolute nightmare. He punished me through not signing his half of the lease over, never contacting me, ignoring me, putting me down to mutual people we both knew and he even went out of his way to update all Facebook, Instagram and social media platforms with photos of him and a new girl! I could not believe what was happening to me. I lost 15 kgs, became physically ill and my mind was so unhealthy that anything I did, whether that was sleep eat or talk to people, revolved around thoughts about him, what was he doing.. thinking.. dreaming about.. It was like I had taken a drug which I became so addicted to that once I couldn't get it anymore, my whole body shut down and my mind became extremely weak.

After 4 months off this nightmare roller coaster, I decided to start making myself get better, there was no point moping around and hiding myself away from ever being happy again so I decided to get my groove back. For starters, to help with the weight I had lost I decided to join the gym, started eating better and started making myself LOOK better. Compliments were flowing in from all my friends and family about how fantastic I was looking and my confidence boosted big time! That girl who once thought she could not live with Q, was finally living without him! I would sit there and think "if only he saw me now, so strong, so confident! hah! he would never run over me again".

I had made the decision to move back overseas to my hometown to be with my family for awhile as my grandfather became very sick.. With that decision also came relief that I was finally leaving all the bad memories behind that i made with Q and could start fresh as this new, confident sexy girl.. Then a week before I leave the country and while im at home about to go out with my girlfriends, I receive a phone call from Q which changed everything. "The I miss yous and the sorrys" were like music to my ears, everything that I used to imagine him saying to me was being sung to me like I song I never wanted to stop listening to.. I did not want it to end, ever.

I invited him to my house that same night, weak willed me decided to feed into his needs and we slept together. That night I told him I was leaving to go back home in a week and he assured me we could do long distance. That week we got back together, he had told me that he had broken up with a girl that he was involved with while him and I weren't together, I knew about this girl of course (through Facebook) and all the random times he would contact me sporadically during our break up just to keep me on that string. I made a deal with him if we were to get back together, cut her off altogether and be done with her so he did and i had finally thought, "Wow, he had really changed".

Once I had come back home, we started skyping everyday and I started to fall back in love with Q.. "This is our time to change, Ive changed and he has too! That 6 months was what we needed", thats what i kept telling myself.

Q decided he wanted us to be back together fulltime and made the plan to move to my hometown and be with me.. i couldnt believe it! This guy, who i once could not stand was coming back and giving up his whole life to be with me, All the hurt, struggle, tears and heartache i felt in that 6 months just washed away and I had thought "Finally! I knew there was a reason i held on".

My family disliked Q from our very first relationship as they saw what he put me through emotionally so trying to get them to come around was not a easy as i expected, but after speaking to them and Q apologizing to them, they finally decided to make it happen and accept the fact we were back together.

I had started back at a job i used to work at when i came back to my hometown so i already knew alot of the people i worked with and friday night after work drinks started becoming frequent. Q moved to my hometown and was unemployed for a month but through me pulling a few strings i managed to get him a job at another place i worked which was right next door to my current job so we were working relatively close to one another. He had also moved in with me and my family at this point(I think that was my parents way of protecting me) and we had become inseparable again.

He started coming to my work drinks with me and would constantly tell me and my work friends about how much he hated his job, people he worked with and how he wishes he worked with me and my work friends. I couldnt believe alot of the time that he "hated" his job as much as he said he did.. I truly believed everyone there at his job could just see right through his fake lies and all the rest.

4 months went by and everything seemed to be going smooth, the arguments, insecurities and all the rest were still at a high but once again, Q and I were back in our own world. Until one day, our arguments started becoming physical on my end, it first went from throwing things at him when he would comment on other women or say things to provoke me to close hands slapping his face. It became so repetitive that he started going to work with scratches and bruises on his face and I would email, text bombarb his phone with constant Sorry's and I love you's just to see if he was ok, I literally felt like i had lost my mind and had no idea why.

We moved into another new place together this time with two other flatmates and only lasted 3 weeks there before he decided our arguments were enough and i needed to start learning my lesson. It was weird, because while I knew what i had done to him physically was wrong and horrible, I didnt feel as sorry as what i thought i would. I ended up leaving the new flat and going back to my parents, the last week before we ended things the mind games were at a all time high, I had never seen him like this before, There was one point he texted me 10 times to call him and each time he never answered his phone. We also went to couples counselling together and the whole time we were there, he laughed it all off and told the counselor he knows he "provokes" me but i can get out of control. After this session, we decided to go back to the flat which was now classed as "his flat" because i was no longer "living there". We slept next to one another and I told him i did not want to have sex with him which he didnt. We may as well have slept on different planets that night, not once did he hold me, kiss me or touch me. He kept his cellphone in his bag that entire night and I kept asking him where it was but he just said "I cant be bothered getting it".

The following morning he promised to meet me to have coffee and sort things through and instead he stood me up and was extremely rude to me when i called him so i lashed out, I went around to his place and completely lashed out. He took the day off work and here i was going to work as if nothing happened. That night, he had decided he wanted to drink with a really good guy friend of mine who he had only met ONCE and hid the whole thing from me(the only reason i found out was through the guys girlfriend), He then decided to post a picture of him on facebook showing he was heading out to get drunk. I then decide to start stalking through his facebook and instagram and through instagram I find the girl he was involved just before him and I got back together and what do you know! He had been liking and commenting on her pictures the past week and everything in me broke, I burst into tears, got extremely angry, called him, dumped him, blocked him off everything and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up the next day feeling different... It wasnt the same feeling i had in the first breakup, the "Omg what am i going to do without him" or "I cant even get out of bed".. It was one feeling that I can describe plain and straight forward... I had simply, had ENOUGH. I didnt contact him the whole weekend, only once in a text message to ask how i was getting my things back where lucky enough one of the flatmates he lived with helped me with that so there was no further contact from there on my end. I monitored his social network usage over that weekend and boy was it at an all time high! He had made it very clear to everyone and anyone that he was single and was very keen to start meeting new girls, I just thought to myself "YOU LOSER".

The last time we spoke outside of work was over a week ago via email and that me basically saying goodbye, he didnt reply with much just pretty much "Take Care" and that was that.

I have spoken to him through work everyday for the last week about work related things, I guess you can kinda say the "no Contact" isnt working in that favour but outside of work, there has been no contact made. I walked past him a few days ago and he started at me directly whilst i turned my head and looked the other way.

He has now deactivated every social media thing he has ever been connected to, probably to block me out of course and I feel like it is sort of helping with my healing process. I guess after my massive story i want to ask any other ladies who have been through something similar along the same lines of this, WHAT happens from here between him and I?

I havent had a problem rebuilding my life back up, my family have been super supportive and my friends have been great but I feel like something is going to happen.. Something bad :( He hasnt left my hometown, he is still working at the same job AND living in the same place. Is he doing this to torture me? I feel like this is a further game and him deleting everything is his way of me contacting him.. Could it be?

I know this is a MASSIVE novel and there is more emotional stuff but i would rather get it out there in the open in hope it may help whoever needs to answer my questions and gives you a bit of back story. I am keen to take control back of my life and finally shut Q out once and for all - and i would really appreciate YOUR help! Especially people that have been through the same thing.

Until next time, xxx