Reality list for me- to not miss N

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#1 Dec 13 - 6AM
N2muchpain
N2muchpain's picture

Reality list for me- to not miss N

My reality list- when I get weak /will refer to this
1. 1st several months love bomb me “ soul mate”/intense attention and connection
2. Shortly after, still involved with me but N decreased the compliments, texting/calls and eagerness
3. 4 months into relationship I was attacked physically/mentally by ex-gf who bragged she had just had sex with my N bf
4. Broke up with N but told him if he could give me security I would give him another opportunity
5. During 1 week breakup- he did not check on me see how I was doing- I called finally he said “ Oh, I haven’t called because I’m working on forgiving myself- which was total BS was actually still hanging out with Ex-gf contemplated her biz offer
6. N finally called 1 week after wanted to work it out, I gave him several guidelines needed to give me security such as phone call to ex-gf to set records straight no contact etc but he refused after to do it along with other broken promises such as deactivating facebook his whore seeking validation resource, remove all pictures of his ex gf on computer files-he made excuses got mad when I finally deleted it – I begged forever to take care of what he promised he refused with all the excuses
7. My marathon began when we got back together I began constantly trying to please him with gifts $7000 spent on his gifts/our dates/his biz advertisement to help him even though I was financially successful I was still a single parent of 2 with no child support, I even would clean his house, cook, prasie his looks/charms- spoiled him with verbal validation, quality time, endless sex/affection all the 5 love languages 100%. So afraid constant anxiety if he was not happy and
I felt short he would cheat again
8. Emotional coaster began feeling Bipolar – insane obsessed with worry what he was doing. I would beg for more connection text/call me in the morning and when he’s away at work like he did in the beginning, but he felt forced and controlled to do it
9. My day revolved around receiving a text or call from him to validate he was thinking of me. If he did not take time to connect with me and go about his day the result was my entire day was ruined and I felt sad, anxious and angry
10. Caught N constantly checking woman out in front of me. Even at church!
11. 1.5 yrs later I find out he was lying and still interacting with ex-gf getting business referrals and even having lunches to talk about “biz” because his company was slow and he needed ex-gf help even he promised prior to have no contact/interaction
12. Broke up again with N but he begged to make it right and wanted to marry me had it planned when was going to propose and even have a tattoo band on his ring finger
13. Before we were going to shop, I had a brief injury after hitting my knee on his truck pulley, the shock of pain caused me to start to black out and faint- N helped me come to. I told him I needed to lie down in his truck and would probably be okay –suggested he shop however I really didn’t want him to go. He quickly agreed to leave me in his truck and went shopping to buy something with his $15 gift certificate. He stated, “ If something happens just call me” WTF if I fainted I would be out cold and unable to call, my life was worth $15
14. Birthday day was extended during the entire weekend. Tons of money spent on his gift and party. Next day his official bday and he wanted me to take him out to lunch to once again celebrate his “official birth day” regardless that I spent oodles of money the night prior on his bday . Day of his “official birthday”, his ex-gf was in his neighborhood selling a home and we saw her. I had a panic attack and when we drove away I expressed my anger, sadness and anxiety. He immediately got mad and said , “ It’s my frickin birthday, really can you not bring this stuff up about your feelings. Your killing my special day”
15. One night, I began expressing the mental stress I had of being insecure and how it consume my life. I began crying not knowing he fell asleep on me over the phone. WTF how can any human being fall asleep when another human being is crying in pain- A robot- emotionally unavailable
16. Famous line after cheating and lying again with his interaction with ex-gf N stated“ Don’t worry I won’t cheat again. Whenever I lie, I get caught anyway so what’s the sense of lying knowing I’m going to get caught”. WTF whatever ever happened to the belief system “ I will not lie again because it’s wrong and cause you pain and doubt”
17. N last year helped a lady in minor accident and posted on facebook how proud he was of himself, such a good Samaritan, risking his life for another person, wrote an elaborate story and even posted the picture of the lady a side profile of her sitting in her that slightly crashed into a store. She was not hurt at all, all he did was check on her and call 911. Extreme exaggeration and extreme need for validation he is a good person ughhh
18. Loves to rub elbows with politicians at fundraising parties pays $500 just to be in their presence
19. Focuses on fancy cars, restaurants’, how much money his own company makes, always wanting bigger and better. N has a Beautiful home that’s paid off but wants a even bigger home
20. Feels his unique one of the best at what he does for leaving, “ I blow everyone in this field”
21. Feels not just God’s gift to woman but God’s gift to humanity
22. Goes to church every week, but the moment he leaves no morals, tries to sneak same day as church into the movies for free and laughed when he got caught
23. Super cheap and deceitful, found a painting brand new on the side of the road tag was still on with price. Went to the store it was bought for and demanded “ his money back” without a receipt cashier said it was only worth $3.00. He got mad and demanded to see the manager and complained he spent “ a lot of money for the painting and deserved full price back” but the fricking jerk did not spend a cent!!!
24. Frequently, would state to me, “ Come on college grad honor roll, what the heck look at you! You sometimes lack common sense for simple basic things. Exercise that brain. Probably told me this at least a dozen times even though I told him it made me feel bad
25. Bottom line, I will not miss being on a marathon trying to improve myself to be the best GF he ever had, so he does not cheat on me or hurt me, I will not miss the roller coaster- hope and let down – hope and let down sick repeated cycle for almost 2 yrs, I will not miss the anxiety/obsessing, sadness, anger, resentment and hatred toward N and myself, I will not miss losing my hard earned money on him. Most of all I will not miss this toxic drug that alter my personality, sanity and feeling that I need to improve myself to be loved and have security- ughhhhhhhh