My Story a New Life

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#1 Dec 13 - 4PM
A new life
A new life's picture

My Story a New Life

Hi everyone I'm new to this site and feel fortunate to have found you guys, but unfortunately not new to the torturous pain of having a N in my life. I've managed to say enough and end the relationship, even moved house to safeguard myself from his habitual turning up and luring me back with all the lies and empty promises. Also because I don't really have any friends I've always failed and allowed the roller coaster of pain continue as I hate being alone, even though the reality is I spent more time alone after all the let downs and false promises when he was in my life, foolishly kidding myself something was better than nothing...REALLY!
So how did I; a smart, intelligent, independent woman who's dealt with her fair share of crap before he ever came along let someone into my life, give my absolute all, heart, body, mind and soul and fall completely in love....with the most heartless, cruel, lying, devious, controlling, manipulating, evil piece of work. Like most of us on here I fell hook, line and sinker, believing and buying in to it all. I feel such a fool and the damage he's caused me is so incredibly deep, how do you ever recover and move on.
So after all the hurt, heartache, pain and absolute devastation, I'm struggling to take the final step of turning off that mobile phone to stop the endless manipulating that he still has the ability to cause me. I know I don't want him in my life and would never let him back in or lure me back to living in such an anxious state, feeling sick, not sleeping, not eating, all the doubt, insecurities, lack of trust (all of which was justified by his actions). He's not only torn my heart to pieces and destroyed me, he's totally got inside my head to the extent of still feeling anxious and controlled when I see his name come up on my phone or read his texts. He's never outright nasty, just devious and knows what buttons to press, knowing how I would react. But he's not a nice person and he doesn't deserve any space in my mind never mind my heart either but with all that said, why can't I take that final step. It's as though I know once I do I've accepted the past three and half years of hopes, dreams and the life I wanted so much were a waste and all my love and everything I believed in has been ridiculed and meant nothing. How did this happen and when did I give up my entire life and make one person (who was so undeserving) the centre of my universe!
I've read some of your stories and it's as though they've all read and followed an N's instruction manual of how to cause maximum devastation without any sign of a heart or conscience. Help me please to find the strength I need to turn that phone off for the last time. I've tried so many times, but I've always given in and regretted it. Don't get me wrong I never text or call him, but he calls and texts (when it suits him) which still affects me... I know it's self torture. I spoke to him a few weeks ago (unintentionally) when he caught me out by calling me at work and still he spewed the same BS and lies about how much he loves and misses me and how he'd sorted things out so this time things would be different and we'd have that wonderful future (he always promised) together, still he took no accountability..really it was all for a reaction from me and to make sure he could still manipulate me. How many times I've heard it all before. I asked him to please not contact me any more and tried to reason with him but he's too selfish to do that, it doesn't meet his needs if I'm not in his life to control, manipulate, pick up or drop, and tear apart as and when it suits. No matter how many times you beg or try and reason the circle is vicious and always goes down the same path. I still haves times when I kid myself he loves me, but it's about the loss of control that hurts him, not the loss of my love, care and all I have given to him, or because he loves me...well not in a normal healthy kind of mutual love... I never knew people like this existed and I wish I never did.
I need to find the strength, self esteem and self confidence I've had knocked out of me.

Dec 29 - 9AM
9641dharma
9641dharma's picture

I'm new too!

Dec 14 - 1PM
bella2013
bella2013's picture

Hang in there!

Dec 14 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
A new life
A new life's picture

Thanks Bella

Dec 13 - 9PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Thank God it doesn't take

Dec 28 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Janie53
Janie53's picture

Agree

Dec 13 - 6PM
Renay
Renay's picture

Hey there, It sounds like you

Dec 14 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
A new life
A new life's picture

Thanks Renay