Maya3's story

Hi all, I'm going to keep this quite short.

In Summer 2012 I went to a work conference in Europe which is where I met my narc ex. He was a speaker. I didn't actually have any romantic interest in him (he was 54 for a start, I was 32). Anyway, we spoke briefly and cut a long story short, at the end of the conference, to my surprise he gave me his business card. I was pretty flattered by this and I emailed him when I got home, thinking this could be a good networking contact. He'd also mentioned he was going to be in the UK in November that year.

I emailed him, not thinking anything of it, just to say thanks for his talks (he is a great speaker) and I'd look out for his talk in the UK (he's from the US). He came straight back to me and I left it at that. A couple of weeks later he said he was going to be about in October and would I be around.

I realised this was possibly a little more flirtatious than I'd considered and by October I'd decided that I'd just meet up and see what happens - maybe flirt a bit, it would just be a bit of fun. I hadn't really dated or seen anyone since a previous relationship 2 years (!) before. So, we hooked up in October and then in November.

From November onwards he love bombed me. It was initially confusing as my logic was that noone looking for a serious relationship would go for a long-distance one intentionally. (How true!). I also was in a vulnerable position - I'd lost my job and I thought ok, well, I can't have a proper relationship right now anyway, so this could be pretty cool and once I'd got a new job I'd be able to make some better decisions and plans about this. But it was lovely and awesome and he started saying stuff like 'blah blah blah in a couple of years' - suggesting that he was looking at this long term. I went along with it but didn't encourage at first because of obvious obstacles. But of course, the tables eventually turned. What was weird was the way that he needed my praise of his work a LOT. As well as just telling him generally how great he was. It was odd - the weirdest bit was when I had to say what a great speaker he was in front of one of his best friends we were having dinner with (who then also bigged him up... honestly, these men are in their 50s. I've never hung out properly with 50yr olds so it was all a bit weird!).

Anyway he came over again in February for a week; he had another business meeting. It went ok. He wasn't as affectionate as he had been; I think he also withheld sex (he even said at one point that he's probably only got a couple of years of sex left in him - talk about putting in distance). I wasn't on best form either and stuff happened which I do feel bad about. I 'ended' it in April: I had been trying to organise our next opportunity to see each other and he basically suggested we needed an excuse to see each other e.g. a business meeting, research - i.e. anything but seeing each other. When I said to him - 'do we need an excuse to see each other' - he went quiet and about an hour later he sent me a picture of himself when he was a child! At that point I said, we should just be friends. It was really hard as I was pretty much in love with him at this point. And he seemed to take it hard too. We chatted more and he later said he didn't see himself settling down again (he's been divorced for 14 years). He said he's got kids and enjoys 'his freedom' and playing his beloved sports.

So I guess I had it coming. However, despite 'ending' it, he then proceeded to carry on as normal. Continuously emailing and texting me. I tried to break it off to get some space to transition from a romantic connection to a friends one, but he ignored that request (having said, 'fine, whatever you want'). This went on, I tried to back off and he stepped up the attention, i.e. he blew hot and cold. He then did the whole - 'you're overthinking', 'you take everything I say the wrong way' etc. He strung me along until mid September when he found his new supply. A gorgeous looking girl - also young - he flaunted her on facebook once I'd found out about it and made some thinly veiled attacks at me. That was really hurtful. I was pretty much spared the devalue bit (though I imagine he slated me to his friends) - the worst I got was that I was 'vicious' - of course in a jesting way - but by this point his attitude was beginning to change.

There were so many red flags - the worst was the uncertainty and the confusion, the questioning of my own judgment, and just the draining and exhaustion of trying to work him/it out. I haven't gone through it all here as it's almost 3 months since we broke up so I'm through the worst of it, I just still have some residual stuff that I haven't been able to bore my friends with (who think I just need to get over it). Truth be told, I've been missing him over the past few days. It's also that point where it's really over, rather than there being an ongoing awareness of the broken relationship. I don't think he'll hoover. He has once (and I broke contact after 6 weeks, wihch didn't go so well) but I'm pretty certain he won't again. Or at least not for a long time. I've deleted everything.

I know I've dodged the worst of this type of man, and in many ways I feel a bit silly being on here - the experiences I've read of others - married with kids - makes my year long misadventure feel a bit pathetic. In that sense I feel lucky, but wow, the discard was utterly unexpected and just so hurtful and totally bizarre. I didn't deserve it in the slightest: I had emailed him saying I didn't want to be friends anymore - i.e. I wanted more - and that we needed to break off completely and properly this time, at least for 6 months or something. I was fantasising (as I knew it wouldn't happen) that he'd turn around and say, fine, let's give it a go - that of course didn't happen. That same day I found out about the new supply and I then basically said forget it, you're obviously dating someone else, I hope it goes well. I think his horrible reaction to that, the flaunting of the new gf and the veiled attacks on facebook etc, is what has shocked me most. How can a man of that age behave like that?! Anyway. He did/they do. They suck.