So grateful: thank you!!

Thanksgiving 2013

A year ago, I was in hell. Standing beside a man (N/P) who didn’t truly love me, watching him go through withdrawal on a vacation that was supposed to be our Great Romantic Trip together. I had lost myself completely: nowhere to be seen was the strong, confident woman I thought I was. All I could contemplate was how to help him bear his own pain and how I could numb myself to my own so I could just get through another hour, another day.

Today, I sit here rejoicing in the difference a year can make. No longer am I broken. I am strong, I am determined, I am loving, and I am whole. He made me wake up to the gifts that I had all along; by breaking me down to nothing, he forced me to choose. Was life going to be a series of painful experiences, all pertaining to someone else’s well-being? Someone else’s destiny forever taking precedence to my own? Or, would I stand up and reclaim my right to life? My right to happiness and fulfillment?

I stood up.

I am so grateful for every helping hand that I grabbed along the way. I revel in my strength, my clarity and my ability to endure and overcome. I will never look to others to define my worth or who I am. I will never allow their love to validate my existence. I will always love myself first and foremost. I love myself deeply, which means that I accept all my foibles and all my strengths with equal compassion and understanding. This love is my perpetual gift to myself, never to be lost, minimized, or rejected again.

This forum and Goldie’s support group has played a pivotal role in my finding my way again: I am eternally grateful. If you are struggling now, trying to decide whether to end things with a Narc or to keep no contact, all I can say is you will never regret choosing yourself. This is a decision I wish I had made as soon I as realized that my ex was disordered. It takes all of your strength to rebuild your life, but the rewards are great. I've experienced joy that I don't think I've ever felt before: joy just in simple moments, not the heady euphoria of chaos and passion.

A year ago, I would have never imagined that I could be where I am today. I was a shell of a person. Please have hope that you can get to the other side, if you go no contact, if you utilize all the resources this site offers, if you believe in your own goodness and strength and worth. I stood up and so can you. xoxo