Gaslit?

right now I am so confused. I have always had some anxiety problems - but now I am not sure what is the result of this relationship and what was already there. He has called me crazy so many times and there is some truth in what he says because when he ignored me in the past I found it very hard and sent him lots of mails. But when I looks back part of me feels manipulated. This is v long and even that leaves out a lot.

Am I crazy? I have started to question if I am a Narc... my therapist suggested he was after I explained some behaviors but I went back to him...

We met 2.5 years ago while I was on vacation, I fell for him very fast - we slept together the first night. He was a musician and designer, we liked the same things, had both been in relationships that didn't work out and wanted something more. Both wanted to go to Canada

I have never in my life felt so connected so fast.He told me he wanted to take it slowly but he also told me he thought about me everyday and wanted to have children with me. I made it clear I was looking for something long term we spent hours talking about everything. On the night I left we were talking in a bar and he got suddenly furious with me and walked out. It was late and that country is not safe for women alone at night, sometimes even in taxis , so I followed him trying to calm him down. We talked it through and ordered a taxi. I should have realised then something was not ok.

I went back 4 months later and met his family. I was blissfully happy for a few weeks. but again he seemed happy but he also got very angry with me saying me expressing my feelings was pressuring him. I was staying with my friend but we had had an argument about me spending so much time with him. I tried to sort things out with her but he encouraged me to stay with him. He said she was not treating me well. I did but he would get angry with me about my physical affection for him, which a few weeks earlier had been ok. I was confused, he told me I had no common sense, that it was frustrating having to explain the same things to me many times. If I was upset by what he said he would tell me to stop acting like a victim. Eventually he threw me out.

I left the country. He sent apology emails saying he had been wrong. We talked every day on skype for a year. I missed him terribly but we would have a lot of fights. He sometimes got in rages and sent me messages calling me names. After he would say sorry and tell me it was the distance. He was also an alcoholic but still drinking, I suggested he go back to AA. I booked a ticket to see him again but right before I was due to go we had an argument and he told me he had slept with 2 women while he was drunk on two separate occasions. He didn`t tell me this in a nice way apologizing he told me in a cold cruel way in the middle of an argument about the fact that I was visiting. he told me details, he told me while I had been recovering from a minor operation he had been out with women. I was so hurt and more hurt because he told me "you are not my girlfriend" - He had been telling me he loved me, could see is with children but that while I wasnt physically there we were not exactly a couple. All his comments minimized my feelings he said things like " yes I did something bad but it was in the past and anyway technically we are not properly together." We had agreed that long distance was not good but he had given me the impression he wanted something. I cancelled my ticket. But still I went back...

We continued to talk but I started seeing a therapist to try and understand why I could not move on.He had also told me I was sick - obsessed with him. He told me he had met someone, and described her as very pure -a quality he had not valued in me as I had been very honest about my sexual past in my 20s, now in my early 30s I was very clear that I was looking for something to end in marriage but he had continuously used this as grounds for questioning my loyalty and bring jealous if I even mentioned male friends.

He told me "how great she was how special and unique and that we could be friends but that me pressuring him and disrespecting his boundaries when he asked me to stop made him angry. That my attachment problems and innaility to give space was what triggered him." We stopped talking.

I guess she was not interested. I tried online dating but I missed him and the connection. I didn`t want to jump into a new relationship until I was more healed. Until I could understand what stopped me moving on and until I could trust myself to pick someone loving.

We started talking again but I was more often than not crying because he would swing from telling me he loved me to accusing me of being with other men but when I tried to discuss practical ways that we could be together he would accuse me of pressuring him or of not understanding his world. I felt that there was something seriously wrong with me - he would say that too - you have so many opportunities why don`t you meet someone else, but later - "Im sorry - I`m just insecure bb ". It was not practical and I should just let him go but later he missed me. I was walking on eggshells and completely disoriented not knowing what he truly felt or wanted. But I loved him and wanted so badly to believe the bits I wanted to hear.

I decided we needed to try and be in the same place for a bit - I needed to see what part of this as about the distance. I had saved enough money to go there for a few months. Within the first 2 weeks he told me he didnt love me. He made many comments about my appearance - comparing me to women from his culture, saying i had a moustache even though he knew I was sensitive anout that, asking me why I didn`t wear more makeup that I had a "small ass " and that I looked old. He often made jokes or comments aimed at "helping me ""and if I said anything he would tell me I didn`t understand his culture.I went away for the weekend and when I got back he told me he had read my diary and was sorry he had treated me very badly and wanted to try - that he knew he had problems which is why he kept pushing me away because he was scared.I had read about emotional abuse but the cycles were so small there. And I trusted him but didn`t trust him too. I was constantly edgy and confused and I wasn`t familiar with the cultural norms.

Long story short he kicked me out again. The day I left I was crying and he sat with his finger up at me saying " fuck you "if I tried to talk. I was so confused all I wanted was to be with him but as soon as we goo close he would get angry with me - tell me it wasn`t working then expect me to adjust right away. He told me I had attachment problems and that I was not respecting him because I was crying a lot and the only thing that calmed me was a hug. He knew about me getting molestation memories too and that sex was a complicated issue for me as I sought comfort and a feeling of calm from it. One night he got angry with me and backed me into a wall, he pointed his finger in my face saying he wanted me out by the next day.

I wanted things to end calmly. It was my birthday a week later he sent me a message saying happy birthday and asked if I wanted to say goodbye nicely. I met up with him, he sat there and told me he hated me that I was the worst thing that had every happened to him. That he had slept with someone else and she was coming to meet him. He had said this like this before (not the 2 women it did happen with ) he had often talked about women to me.I waited - No one came he told me he was a mess and needed help. That he couldnt deal with is anger. I stayed with him, he came to church with me where I tried to introduce him to some men and a support group. We were not together anymore but I still loved him.

I went away, while I was away he sent me abusive messages calling me many horrible names. I met another man while I was away. Nothing had happened for 2.5 years with anyone else but I had a two night stand with this man. It was a mistake for me because he had been very persistent and I had clearly said I did not want something physical but I chose to give in to my loneliness and honestly it was nice to have another man find me attractive as my self esteem at this point was very low. But it was also not with love and I cried after knowing how much I still loved my ex. He had been sending apology mail and telling me he knew he was abusive and needed help - that he had found a center and was in a program. But he asked ( as always) if I had been with someone else. I don`t lie about things so I told him, he asked lots of details and then said it was partly his fault. I left the country.

We didn`t say goodbye he ignored all my many many messages.We talked later on skype. He told me he had planned to go to councelling with me and had booked an appointment. We said goodbye but he continued to put things on social media about how happy he was and how he was ready or a new relationship. I was very hurt. I blocked all media. We had sporadic contact but it kept ending with him calling me a "cunt" etc and he most recently insulted my mother (who has mental health problems) and every personal struggle I have had he used that to imply I am unstable and told me things like "my psychologist old me you put articles on twitter about emotional abuse to get my attention".I put them up because I want other women to avoid what i had.

This was about a week ago we agreed nc calmly and I was convinced this time he would just move on but he sent me a message saying he missed me and he apologized specifically for the things he has done. He says he wants to heal and needs to be alone dealing with his own abuse (received from his family)

I still love him in spite of everything but I have up my stabililty to see if it would work with him. I don`t know if he is a narcissist or just very damaged - his story changes so much and it has let me so confused drained and questioning my own part in this cycle. A good friend I had reached out to 2years ago but who was not aware that i had been to see him told me she was concerned that I was stalking him, because he had told me to stop contacting him she is not his friend so I was surprised but the truth is I do feel obsessed a bit - otherwise why would I not want something better?.

He did ask us to stop many times but we both continue to talk. I also felt that this was a manipulation tactic as he would sometimes ignore me on purpose, he also told me in his apology that he had lied to people about me and told them I cheated on him which is not true. His version of things at times has been that I couldn`t let go and because of that he just ended up blowing his top and calling me names. I am so confused - is he a N or just hurt, his apology seems sincere and he is in therapy but I don`t know if I am the one with problems. I tried to move on so many times, but am so weak if he writes but like so many people have written words can be empty so I am going to try NC and focus on my own things. Its very hard imagining being able to trust again after this. while I was away I just seemed to deal with it but now I am so sad, confused, disappointed and angry with him but also with myself.

I started to change my email but he sent me a sweet message with this video saying -"its never to late to say this http://youtu.be/uWi5iXnguTU "

I continued to say I need to heal and need nc but am not out and out ignoring him. He seems sincere in saying I was his best friend and he misses me but he can flip back to the story of me being obsessive etc even though he is the one who has been sending me mails for 2 months now. The last mail said : I'm tired of all this , goodbye :3 I see D and D patterns, I see deliberate manipulation, baiting, crazy among but I fall for it every time because I want to believe he's changed, that he's not an N but the truth is this relationship has poisoned my mind. I left my job for him and am now jobless and crying a lot trying hard to look at myself and move on.