My N Story

Well lets see. I met my now exN exactly a year and a few weeks ago (just before last Thanksgiving). I met him through a friend at work. I asked my friend, a male co-worker why his friend was still single (my exN is 31 years old, very attractive and successful, and I had just gotten out of a relationship with a 32 year old man. The other x was certainly not a narcissist and now I see that he had a good heart, was just selfish as many men are but not evil like the exN). My co-worker said that his friend had "mommy" issues and has just had trouble finding the right woman.

RIGHT. Well I was certainly about to find out what that meant.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was coming out of a relationship and was desperate to find someone new. now I actually see that my exN was a way for me to avoid the pain of my other ex-relationship and it was so easy because he was so charming and attentive and attractive.

I don't even know how to begin my story. My exN was very successful but very stingy with his money. I watched him take advantage of his own friends and family just to make a few bucks, even though he would brag about how he was making 6 figures. and please don't think I am some uppity girl who likes to spend all kinds of money. I wasn't asking for much at all. it is hard to tell my story without it making me sound like a spoiled brat (which in the end is what he said he turned me into). I don't care about fancy clothes or nice restaurants. I just sometimes wanted to be taken out and have a break from all the cooking and cleaning and tending to his every need.

I am 24 and am getting and paying for my Masters so we were in completely different financial situations. We only went on 3 real dates throughout our year relationship because he would have rather have stayed home and saved money. Well I certainly played the part and I cant lie, in the beginning I loved it. I loved cooking for him. I loved doting on him with affection and attention. I loved cleaning up at his house. I loved writing him little notes and taking care of his dog whenever he was gone. Unfortunately I began to realize that he could not reciprocate love or affection. It was all about him and if I ever brought up the fact that I didn't feel appreciated, he would call me unappreciative and list all the things he had done for me (which typically consisted of connections he had through work or family- we would do nice things, but they were always taken care of- he didn't have to make a single effort on his part).

he would take hits at my family (as we all do, I come from a very dysfunctional and non-supportive family). when he realized that this was my weakness, he found a way to use it against me and make me feel "lucky" that he would "love" me the way he did. I overcame a lot, but he would make it feel as though I didn't really deserve him and I should be grateful he stuck around. he told me he was glad I didn't have a dad in my life because he didn't want to deal with a father figure. he didn't want anyone to hold him accountable.

my mom is my only strong relationship. he tried to pull me away from her. he had a terrible relationship with his mother growing up. I really do believe that she was bad to him BUT that is not an excuse for a 31 year old grown man to hate and distrust all women. he was immediately suspicious of my mom and tried to belittle her in any way he could. I had just moved to his town for graduate school so I didn't really have many friends and no family where I live. he told me countless times I needed no one but him and that he didn't want us to have to answer to anyone.

anyone we met was beneath him. he thought everyone was jealous of him. he was obsessed with money, power, and success, but kept all these things to himself. If I would ask if we could go somewhere and if it cost money, he would tell me I was spoiled rotten and "didn't I know he was saving every penny to buy me my dream house and big ring?" well the truth is I don't give a damn about a big house or a big ring. when we would look at houses I was always the voice of reason and asked if it was necessary that we had such a huge house? I didn't care if we lived in a shack. I loved him that much. I didn't care about a ring either. He was more concerned about the size and cost than I ever was.

I ended up becoming really good friends with the wife of the co worker who introduced me to him. She ended up telling me of an incident where she watched him hit his ex girlfriend. He was so controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive that although he never hit me, I always expected it. My coworkers wife told his dad about that incident (that is why I love her, she is no BS and doesn't run from the truth) and he got his ex to convince his dad that she woke him up in the middle of the night and she scared him so she accidentally hit him! it was a lie!!! he tried to get me to lie for him multiple times and I would. and then he would act like I didn't have his back. there is a difference between standing behind someone when you don't agree with them b/c you love them and blatantly lying for them.

he would be so mean to me and would terrify me that I broke up with him over 4 times of our year long relationship. somehow he would always talk me back and make everything my fault. his ultimate fear was rejection so he would always hold it over my head that I left him. somehow he managed to escape talking about why I left him- because he was emotionally abusive and I had never been so terrified of someone in my life.

he pulled some manipulative bs the 2nd week of October. I was so upset that I went to his house (he lived only a mile down the road) and gave him his key and all his stuff back. I was raging with anger and knew that if I didn't leave him then that I wouldn't have left him later. he continued to tell his friends and family that we were seeing each other for weeks because he thought I was going to come right back (when I didn't show up to events he would say I was at home doing homework. when we were really together and I would tell him I had homework, he would tell me that I would figure it out and if I really loved him I would put him before school and make sure he was happy. he would demand that I go places with him because he was so concerned about our image to his friends and family. he used my homework as an excuse only when it benefited him. )! my coworker's wife told me of all the stories he would fabricate when she knew the truth because me and her communicated on a regular basis. it wasn't until I sent him a letter confronting him about his issues (about a month later) that he began to tell everyone the truth.

I have never seen someone so obsessed with living a lie. if I said something he didn't approve of he would whisper in my ear that I would be in trouble later but to put on a happy face now. There were many times we would go to friends' houses and he would be a complete self obsessed jerk on the way there in the truck, but as soon as we were in front of people he acted like I walked on water.

I guess I can say I am lucky because I think his family is starting to pick up on his unhealthy behavior. I think they all thought he would straighten up when he found the right person. if anything I think the more strong the woman is the worse he is because he is more vulnerable.

I am so thankful I got out. I still struggle every day and I miss him like hell. the first 6 months were complete bliss and at the moment I am struggling to accept that those 6 months were not real.

its weird because since we met I always said he was too perfect. even before he started sending red flags. I just knew in my heart something wasn't right. it wasn't possible for someone to act that perfect and really be perfect.

It will be months and maybe even years before I get serious with someone else. for the first time in my life I am going to put myself first and really take care of myself and find out who I am.

I am very grateful to have found this site.