This story

I have encountered many narcissistic people. The story was similar each time. It felt like running around in circles. A maze without an end.

It started up with my father being a narcissist. My mother was kind and gentle, so she was the abused one, with me, the child. My father was himself abused in his childhood, a narcissistic mother and an alcoholic father. The wound, that we will call generational trauma, was passed on from generation to generation. Without making the efforts to heal themselves, people passed on the pain. My father was selfish, self-centered, abusive verbally and without empathy. He was cold and distant, providing no support. The family was dysfonctional and I left home around 20 years old with no self-esteem, no friends, and the belief that I was shameful and worthless. Because my father projected his shame and pain on us.

I moved from home to live with my boyfriend. Whom was also narcissistic and abusive. Abuse was what I was used to, so I didn't notice. We were together for 6 years, lived together for 1 year. He was abusive verbally, lying, manipulating, mocking me in front of his friends, had strange sexual behaviors, various addictions and more. He was aggressive and would destroy things. He liked men and women and slept with prostitutes. At the end, he was doing drugs every day and even considered criminal acts. He left and immediately hooked up with another person the same week. Even if I was devastated, his departure was the best thing that I had happened. Not once I wanted him to come back. I was happy that he found someone else and left, because back then, I was too weak and I was unable to kick him out myself.

I had never lived alone before. I was scared. I was depressive and very much alone. Not to mention all the wounds that had cumulated from the beginning of my life. The wound from the abuse in the family and the abuse of the boyfriend. I couldn't even think clearly, I was the walking dead. Not knowing that to do and having no friends for support, I found refuge online. The pain was overwhelming and like a lot of people who are under trauma, I tried to numb it. My way to numb the pain was to play games and to talk to people online. During those years, I almost died. I was barely eating, barely sleeping. I started to make friends with people online. But online, I found horror and the cycle continued. I have met various people who were also abusive. If I count them all, 4 people were definitively narcissistic, 3 others were abusive, and some more, I lost the count. My relationships or friendships were bleeding. Always. I kept being abused and the story repeated itself over and over.

I started to do a lot of reading, blogs, psychology, self-development, books and more. That's how I started to see the light. After a lot of reading and searching, I understood that the people whom I thought as "friends" were actually narc and that the story was repeating itself mostly because of the roots, because my father is a narc and it all started there. Since then, I have started to grow and heal, I am not the same person anymore, not at all. I am not online anymore, I quit games. I went NC with abusive people. I cleaned by social circles and got rid of anything negative. I am in low contact mode with my father. The list of the actions I did to walk away is long. I said goodbye to people, habits, ways of life and more. So many goodbyes. I closed the doors and made sure I would not walk back.

Today, I continue to read and to progress. I want to heal and to be free. To heal and to remove the roots and rebuild the person that I am. Completely. Because since the beginning, I was crushed and abused. I have never really known who I am until today. I know the "trauma me", who I am under abuse and trauma, but I don't know the kind of person that I am in peace and freedom. It's only recently, that I started to live. I believe in healing, but I have also a lot of things to mourn. The time that was lost, what could have been if my family had been normal. Everything started there, at very young age. And now, I have to heal and recover years of trauma.

The title of this post is "This story" because this wasn't my story, My story starts now.