Predatory Professor OR Mentor Madness

Hi from Sally--

Here's my story.

I'm married to a non-narc, but gradually got involved with a something. Narc? Psychopath? Sociopath? He was my first professor when I decided to return to college in 2006 (at age 37). He taught me lots about writing and sent me occasional notes encouraging me to pursue a graduate degree after completing my undergrad.

He knew my full time job was in child care. When his twins were born in 2010, he sent me an email asking me if I could help with them. At first, I said I couldn't because I'd have to close my daycare, but--and I'm not sure how this happened--eventually I agreed to take them on and do some writing on the side. Before long, he was scheduling me to help out when he was home alone with the kids. To make a long beginning short, he showed lots of concern for me when my best friend was dying and he learned through chats (while the kids were napping) that my marriage was troubled. Understand: I looked up to him already as the mentor he'd set himself up to be. I'd taken two classes under him in the past, and after a year of caring for his children, I still had trouble calling him by his first name. He praised my writing and spent time researching phd programs he felt were right for me.

Then, after hinting around for a while (lots of hugs and attempts to spend more time with me), he told me he loved me. Said he knew we both loved our spouses and weren't leaving them, but that he believed I felt the same way. By this time, I was flattered and infatuated, and said that yes, I did. Cue storm.

After that, he tried to see me every day, and it felt nice. I told him I was only interested in being held (hugged--made clear) and talked to/with. He said he was ready to get a hotel room. I said I didn't want that. He soon told me he was obsessed with me, then that he could never kiss me, which he often repeated. He said he couldn't hurt his kids like that. He started talking about how he fantasized about suicide to end the madness he felt over wanting me and knowing that if he let it go that far, he would lose his family. Soon I began to feel there was something wrong with me, since he didn't want to kiss me (though I initially never wanted that). He said we were best friends who could help each other heal our marriages. He told me his wife rages at him, drinks too much, is too harsh with the kids. He dehumanized her in my eyes. Gradually, I compromised pieces of who I am. I had been listening to his stories about other women on campus, how one (who he pointed out has big boobs) was so infatuated with him in the past that her husband came looking for him with a shotgun. He said some of his friends had to hide him once to keep him safe. Who knows what's true. I guess these kinds of stories were meant to confirm his desirability.

Anyway, he did eventually kiss me, among other things, though we never had sex. He said it was better that way, because we could always make that claim honestly to our spouses. Not long after kissing me, he told me his wife was being forthcoming with some of her history, and that he felt an increasingly overwhelming need to be honest with her about us, though he said that might be five years down the road. In the midst of all this, I felt the push/pull that was slowly diving me mad. The first day he kissed me, for example, he told me I'd shown him something beautiful and that he was going to go home and have sex with his wife (for the first time in six months). My best friend died that day while i was with him. The next day, my n called I thought to check on me. After I told him about how I felt I'd honored my friend with my eulogy, he wanted to know what I was doing the next day. When I told him I was going to a concert with my husband, he went berserk, raging at me because he would be stuck at home with his kids while I was off having fun. The day after the concert, he asked me to come see him. When I did, he kissed me, then said we should try not seeing each other for three days. After I'd driven 40 minutes to see him, I learned he only had 30 minutes of time. I told him I felt like I was on a pendulum, that it had to stop. I said either do what you want to do with me or go home and save your marriage. He walked away, then the very next night knocked on the door of the bathroom I was in at a downtown restaurant. When I opened the door to go out, he walked in and peed in front of me, then starting kissing me. This kind of crap went on for a while. All my boundaries and common sense and integrity and dignity were shot.

Soon, he told me that he'd told his wife, but he continued to see me and I continued to let him. He talked all the time about wanting me, about how my marriage was flawed. He was obsessed with whether I was having sex at home. I asked and he said he hadn't told his wife about any of the other issues he'd mentioned to me with women in their shared past. He said they weren't significant. That I was. Eventually, he disappeared one day. He emailed me and said he had to work his way out of his marriage and needed to rage alone. Code for "discard." He had no intention of ending his marriage; I'd figured that much out.

A month later, he started in about how he wanted me to take his class in January. (The break happened in December). I declined and he started a friendship campaign. He was relentless, saying sweet things like "don't make me carry around your absence all my life." I finally agreed to have coffee with him, which was a disaster because I cried nearly the whole time. I told him in an email that we couldn't be friends, that it would hurt his wife, who supposedly knew about us. He insisted that she knew we were friends and was okay with it. He begged. He told me I could ask any questions I needed to in order to trust him again. Apparently that wasn't true because after I asked him why he made me suffer through a break via email back in December, he commenced to raging at ME, accusing ME of being a pathological liar. The next day, he randomly kissed my ear. The next day got crazier. Let's just say if the administration knew what he did in his office, he wouldn't have a job anymore.

I put a stop to the sexual crap, which was insanely ridiculous for a few days--him talking about how his constant arousal was drug related, me being the drug. Ha. Within a few days, he said he'd randomly asked his wife about my keeping the kids (without my prior knowledge), and that she went into a drunken rage. He said we needed to lay low. He said he was sharing his email password with his wife. Code for final discard.

Soon, I saw signs that he's moved on to other students/writerly women. I did speak to one woman from his past and confirmed that he was working her in similar ways the same time he was destroying me, though he didn't take it NEAR as far. Her boundaries were less fluid than mine. We were both married, meaning we won't tell. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior.

Important to note: 1) He once told me that I would repulse him, that he would reject me, and that there would be someone else. 2) He called me his ideal, his Italy. 3) he told me about his fantasies about us. 4) He told me that he discussed me with his therapist, that he and his therapist agreed that I was a soulmate for him, that it was unfortunate we hadn't met at a different place and time. 5) he told me, during his friendship campaign, that his therapist said that I (sally) should stay and work it out.

Back to now: I sent him an email on April 21, speaking my peace. I told him I would not read another message from him. That's seven months no contact. I now work at the same university. The first time our paths crossed, he turned and walked the other way. Since, he's tried (once) the eye contact, shameful nod (as in shame on me Sally for accusing him of any intended harm), and follow up hurt but forgiving smile. I've simply tried to avoid eye contact since then, when our jobs put us in close proximity. He has taken to walking through the Writing Center when I'm tutoring there on Monday mornings. His classroom has doors from both the WC and the hall. The hall would be easier and more direct.

As for me, I'm seeing three therapists, suffering from both devastated self esteem and the guilt of betraying both my husband and another woman. I don't know how to heal from that.

Sorry for length,
Sally