backwards

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#1 Nov 11 - 9AM
libre2013
libre2013's picture

backwards

It has been 11 months since I broke up with my N husband and I go back and forth, back and forth. He has discarded me and has been with someone else, pretty much since he left the house. I have two children with him and I have pretty much had no contact, except I can't seem to stop stalking. I don't answer any texts unless it my son is with him and I don't have the urge to call etc.
We were married for 15 years and together much longer than that. We started dating as teenagers, which is probably why I stood for so much crap. He has discarded me many times before. While married, the number would be 3. As for abusive, I never really though of it that way, but yes, I was walking on eggshells, waiting for blowups, he is extremely defensive and always liked to project onto me the fact that I hated my life because he was not a good provider. He would often become depressed and just cry and make the whole house uncofortable. He would have conflict with my son over the most juvenile of things. The first time he D&D he left me with a 3 and 1 year old and I was a stay at home mom. He left and started living with another woman. Some months later he called and said he had taken pills and I went looking for him and then we got back together. The second time we decided to move away and start fresh and 4 months into that I caught him cheating and went back home for Christmas. I told him to have his stuff out and there was no argument. At this point I had begun my teaching career, which he had said a few weeks before I should quit because he couldn't deal with the kids in the morning. I refused and that is when it all happened. That lasted for about 1 1/2 years , he saw the childfren often, he had another girlfriend and then he realized he was going to move back home " to get it together" so that he could support his children. He went to live with his father, he was on drugs and ultimately wore out his welcome in that house. I knew because I was still very close to his mom and family back home. One day he called me from there saying that he really did love me and he was sorry and it had suicidal tones so I informed our friends back home.
Untimately he showed up on my door and I let him in. The children at the time were happy to see him and I guess I was too. I did love him very much. After this, he proceeded to get hot and cold and I decided that was enough. When his mom got really sick that is when he came back and that lasted till now. The past years have been tumultuous and He has gotten increasingly worse. I, like an idiot was supportive of everything he wanted to do, like go back to school. Through these yesrs, I had mood swings, outbursts, always had to be on his side about everything, him walking out of therapy because he felt the therapist and I were ganging up on him about his infidelity, breaking up and then his mother dying and he just coming back. At this point I was overweight, looking busted and just overall tired. To the outside world we were awesome and the split caught many off guard. One day we had a pretty routine argument and the nest day he was a crying mess, saying that something is broken inside and checked himself into the mental hospital where he supposedly met this new girl, 10 years his JR. which is pretty typical and henow lives with her because I suspect he is living there for free. I am fortunate in the fact that I am extremely close with his family and we have mututal friends, so his ability to trash me is limited to those who don't know me well. He broguht his new gf down to his father's house and it has caused a rift between him and his sister, she is not speaking to him, because she expressed not wanting to meet the gf right now and he made a point to try to force the issue.
As I write this story, all I want is to not care anymore. My children are teenagers and giving me issues I am rather new at and I cannot break. All the same questions coe to mind... why can she make you happy? why couldn't we make it work? Accepting that the past 20 years of my life have been a sick and twisted thing has been really hard. I want to start fresh and take care of me, which I have been doing, but I am so tired and feel like I am the honest one with ture feelings, but I will be the one to be alone. I hae enjoyed this time of reflection, but I feel like I am going backward as resentment, anger and hurt take over.
Well there is my story...

Nov 11 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville! This

Nov 11 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
libre2013
libre2013's picture

I am hoping so... I really

Nov 11 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
talktothehand
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Tram