Devastated by an Narc

I met my N through a mutual acquaintance 5 years ago. He was recently separated from his wife of 13 years. I was immediately attracted to him. He was handsome, confident, charming and successful. We began dating and soon went on a trip to Florida. It was magical. He seemed compassionate, attentive, caring ... all the qualities I was looking for in a guy. He was so generous and spoiled my daughter and I. She was 9 when I started dating him. By spoiled, I mean that he gave us lots of material things but was never generous with his time. He gave me expensive jewelry, shopping sprees, cash, bought my daughter a pony and gave me an expensive convertible sports car. The first 2 years of the relationship seemed great at the time. We had a wonderful time together, rarely argued and I really felt that I had found the guy of my dreams.

There were definitely some signs in the beginning of the relationship that I thought were odd but chose to ignore. One of the first things that I found strange was that he would never come to my house and did not like to go to anybody’s house, even his own family. He wanted everyone to come to him. So I packed my daughter, myself and my 2 dogs up every weekend for 3 years. And I would also stay at his house a night or two during the week. He came to my house 4 times in the 5 years that I have known him and stayed over once. Holidays were also a stressful. He doesn’t really like to celebrate them. He feels obligated to go to people’s houses and to be on other people’s schedules. He would rather work. I wanted him to attend some family holiday events and it always seemed like an obligation. Sometimes he would go and then get angry later in the day saying that I didn’t understand how busy he is and how much work he had to get done.
I also ignored the fact that he is a workaholic, a recovered alcoholic and genuinely likes to be alone and do what he wants most of the time. He owns a real estate development company and spends most of time working, even on nights and weekends. When he is not working he enjoys solitary things like going to AA meetings (several per day) and reading. In the beginning, he would cancel our plans at the last minute when we first started dating. That was very hurtful but I dismissed it as him needing to focus on his business, which is what he told me.
As time went on, I also noticed that he was impatient. For example, he expects to be waited on right away in restaurants and likes to be treated special. He tips the host/hostesses so they will seat him right away. He likes to do everything first class and likes the treatment that he receives. He would also talk about getting angry at work and that he had to work really hard not to raise his temper if someone didn’t agree or see things his way. And he liked to talk about himself and his work. Alot. I would say about 90% of our conversations were about his work. He would call me at night, put me on speakerphone and run calculations and talk out loud about his business deals. He said it helped him think better to talk out loud about his work.

It was also obvious from the beginning that we have very different parenting styles. We each have one teenage daughter. I raised my daughter to be respectful and caring. I set rules and boundaries and try to be consistent. His daughter was given everything she ever wanted and allowed to determine the rules of the house. She is very disrespectful and often gets in screaming matches with her dad. She yells and curses at him, purposely embarrasses him in front of others, slams doors and thinks that everyone is supposed to serve her and be on her schedule. I spent time with her doing some of the things she enjoys but I never felt that it was appreciated. And I never knew what kind of mood she would be in. There was usually a lot of drama in the household.
Things started going really bad when we had an unplanned pregnancy. He became so angry at me and blamed me. He accused me of doing it on purpose and refused to see me for awhile. It was obvious that he did not want our child and would be extremely resentful if I had the baby. My daughter was 11 at the time and I was worried what impact all of this would have on her life. I raised her as a single mom (I did not marry her dad). I remember finally going to his house and sobbing. He just sat there. He was not comforting at all. Here I thought he loved me and would at least be there for me. I was there for him through a heart attack, dental surgeries, kidney stones and various health issues (he is 14 years older than me). So I made the decision not to have the baby, which I regret to this day for many reasons. He took me to the hospital and brought me back to his house after the procedure. It was by far the worst day of my life. And it was on his daughter’s birthday, which was really ironic. He was very unemotional. I was a mess. He told me I was a strong person and then left for work. I got into bed and cried and cried. And I prayed and asked for forgiveness. He came home at 6:00 that evening and returned business calls. It was as if I did not exist at all. I felt so alone and empty. I needed to pick my daughter up from after school activities and wasn’t supposed to drive. He didn’t offer to get her. So I drove and fortunately was ok physically.

Soon afterwards he had some health issues and became even more focused on his business. But he wanted me at his house as much as possible to take care of him. So I would go every weekend and sit there. We really didn’t do much as a couple. He would work and go to his AA meetings. I ran errands. We went out to dinner and would watch tv or a movie sometimes. He never showed much interest in connecting with my daughter. He would pay for things for her but did not spend any time with her building a relationship or going to any of her school or sports events. I think that giving material things was his way of trying to make up for not spending quality time with people.

This year, I saw a side of him that I had not seen and I felt like he was losing interest in me and in our relationship. He was often very moody and I felt that I could not tell him when something was bothering me. He gets very defensive when he feels like someone is criticizing him or his daughter. Valentine’s Day was a disaster. He was angry with me for no apparent reason and did not get me a gift or a card. He often would be short with me and didn’t pay any attention to me when I was there. It seemed that the intimacy and compassion that I loved was gone. The reality check began when I found out I had cancer. I told him the day I found out and he said all the right things. And then asked if I was packed and coming over. It never occurred to him to offer to come to my house and not expect me to pack. He drove me to the hospital when it was time for me to have surgery to remove the cancer. He waited until I went in for surgery and went to work. My parents were there and called him when I was going into recovery. He showed up later that evening after I was moved into my room for the night. He didn’t offer to give me a ride home from the hospital when I was discharged. He called the next day after I went home and said he would stop by to see me “if he had time”. He never came over. I was devastated. I felt that I had so much and put in a lot of effort. Yet he often told me that he felt the relationship was one sided and that he was the one putting in all of the effort.

We went on vacation about 5 weeks later. He worked in the mornings and sometimes part of the afternoon. His ex wife and daughter were constantly calling and texting because they were arguing. They wanted him to come home early because they couldn’t stand to be around each other. So we cut our trip short by 2 days. It was disappointing because the trip had already been rescheduled 3 times because of his work, health issues and conflicts with his daughter’s schedule. We returned and his daughter decided that she was living with him full time. I decided to give them some space so that he could spend some quality one on one time with her because she was having some emotional problems.
So I did my own thing for a couple of weeks. He slowly stopped calling as much. I went over after 3 weeks of not seeing him and it was really awkward. The next week he told me that he decided to focus on his company and doesn’t have time for anyone. Yet he still wanted me to come over. I went over one last time and told him that we clearly wanted different lives. I am looking for a committed relationship where someone is open to getting married and wants a family situation. I knew that if I stayed in the relationship, one of us would not be getting what we wanted. And ultimately, I realized that I would not be happy if I lied to myself and pretended that I didn’t care that the relationship was going nowhere. He said that he knows he has not been a good boyfriend and it makes him sick to his stomach.

It’s really difficult because I often wonder if I made the right decision. It’s tough not to call to hear his voice. I miss snuggling and watching movies. But I remember how painful it was for me to realize that the relationship I thought we had wasn’t real. I wonder if he ever cared about me at all? I constantly have to remind myself that it wasn’t meeting my needs. He occasionally texts me and it is so difficult not to reply or call. I feel like I am being played if I reply because he made it so clear that he didn’t have time for me and that I am not a priority in his life. So I am not sure why he texts me. I feel like an idiot if I respond. I’ve caved a few times. My emotions run from sadness and anger to fear and regret. But I have not seen him in 5 weeks and had no texts for 7 days. I am taking it one day at a time and hoping that it will get easier.